A THING ABOUT TAYLOR’S LATEST “WHAT’S HARD & WHAT’S WHACK” COLUMN

HOW CAN ANYTHING CELEBRATED ON THE SIMPSONS BE CONSIDERED WHACK?

Fayner Posts: This is pretty much the exact conversation between TR and myself Sunday afternoon.

RAIN There’s nothing on television.

FAYNER (flipping through some of the 500 channels) What about Waiting For Guffman?

RAIN Fuck that, dawg!

FAYNER It’s a great movie. You know the same people that did my favorite movie Spinal Tap did Guffman.

RAIN Spinal Tap sucked!

FAYNER You only saw it once years ago when we had been up for days, and your brain couldn’t comprehend the advanced humor.

RAIN Whatever, dawg, it sucked. I’m gonna do a "What’s Hard & What’s Whack" using it. What should I put as a "hard" movie?

FAYNER (after hearing some of TR’s lame suggestions) How ’bout Risky Business?

RAIN Good idea!!

FAYNER Sweet! So it’s come to the point where you steal my ideas while shitting on my favorite movie?

RAIN That’s the way the cookie crumbles!!

IN OTHER WORDS, IF I WAS ASKED TO WRITE A REVIEW OF TAYLOR’S COLUMN I WOULD NOW BE FORCED TO PARAPHRASE A FAMOUS LINE OF MARTY DiBERGI’S FROM SPINAL TAP AND GIVE HER A TWO WORD REVIEW WHICH SIMPLY READS "SHIT SANDWICH."

FOR THE SHORT-ATTENTION SPAN PEOPLE OUT THERE

HERE IT IS!

THE ONE SENTENCE NEWS STORY ABOUT PORNO!!!

 

Fayner Posts: Over in Russia, that place where for 69 years until 1991 people had no rights but now it has changed and a 75 year old grandfather has taken the plunge into the country’s porn industry after walking into a porno set by mistake and being discovered, although if it weren’t for the “massive package” in his trousers he would have been asked to leave and that would really have sucked because if he was asked to leave we wouldn’t be blessed with such soon-to-be-classics as The Old Neighbor and Handyman at Work where, although not in the flicks, it has been reported by his female co-stars that before shooting scenes the elderly David Bozdoganov rubs garlic on his balls to coincide with his belief that garlic has some beneficial power.

 

 

The original story can be read HERE

ASK A BEENER

Whatever happened to the “lazy Mexican”? Now all I hear is that they’re taking our jobs.

Ronnie Racist

Illustration by Mark DanceyDear Gabacho,
Isn’t that the stupidest paradox? Really: How can someone simultaneously be a yeoman and a layabout unless he’s Shaquille O’Neal? But accusing ethnics of being both is America’s most cherished immigrant insult. Every group felt its contradictory sting: Chinese (opium smokers or railroad coolies), Irish (drunks or ward bosses), Scandinavians (oafs or Vikings), Italians (slum dwellers or Mafiosi), Jews (rag-picking parasites or international bankers) and now Mexicans. The insult’s popularity draws its venom from our Puritan forefathers, who considered life outside of labor sin: it’s a miracle the phrase on Auschwitz’s gate, Arbeit Macht Frei (Work Brings Freedom), isn’t inscribed on the Capitol Dome. What’s strange, though, is how modern-day gabachos forgot the Protestant work ethic long ago; meanwhile, immigrants continue to pick up Max Weber’s flame without forgetting to enjoy life. Bested in both works and pleasure, gabachos seethe, grow fat and elect evangelicals—and don’t get me started about faith without works and its relationship to American sloth.

LIVE FREE NOW

Ask me how: Talking taxes and trilaterals in Irvine

By GUSTAVO ARELLANO, OC Weekly

Mottahedeh. Illustration by Bob Aul
Mottahedeh. Illustration by Bob Aul

“We hold these truths to be self-evident,” droned the crowd crammed into the Irvine Atrium Hotel’s Bougainvillea Conference Room, “that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” The crowd continued through the Declaration of Independence: voices proud, Stetsons cocked, hair frazzled, suspenders and sweat pants stretched.The occasion for such oration was the 2006 Health and Freedom Conference, an annual event organized by Phelan-based Freedom Law School that invites the best and brightest conspiracists to Orange County for a weekend. Saturday and Sunday would bring speakers who would address such subjects as 9/11 (“What Really Happened?”), vaccines (“Killing Us Slowly?”), the Constitution (“Dead?”), the FBI and CIA (“Harming Americans?”), and the one-world government (“Coming?”). But on this opening Friday, about 150 people paid $60 for a seminar taught by Freedom Law School president Peymon Mottahedeh that promised to show students “how we can wipe the IRS off of Americans’ lives!”

Mottahedeh is a former Tustin resident who travels the country touting his organization, which claims to teach Americans how to stop paying taxes. Interested parties must subscribe to one of Mottahedeh’s programs, which start at $300 for an eight-CD course that includes a DVD tour of the Orange County Law Library and continue through the Royal Freedom Package, which promises that Freedom Law School will “respond on your behalf” if the IRS harasses you for not filing taxes. The latter costs just $6,000, plus an annual membership charge of $2,000—$2,500 if you live in California.

“Income tax goes at the heart of slavery versus freedom,” Mottahedeh told the Atrium crowd in his opening remarks. Short but buff, with a chin like Leno’s and hair like Sean Hannity’s, the Persian immigrant went on to attack “King George” Bush, compared the CIA to the SS, said government was “hell-bent on protecting the interests of big business” and assured listeners that “you’re the masters of government.”

If his approach seems a bit paranoid, that’s because it is. Freedom Law School, according to its website, “was founded to assist those freedom-loving and self-responsible people who are committed to living their lives free of oppressive control and taxation by governments and their agents and live free, in pursuit of happiness.”

But it has also attracted the watchful eye of the Anti-Defamation League and the Southern Poverty Law Center for some of its invited speakers. In 2004, for instance, the Health and Freedom Conference keynote speaker was Hutton Gibson, the father of actor Mel, who gained worldwide notoriety for claiming the Second Vatican Council was a Jewish-generated Masonic plot. Previous speakers have included Willis Carto, founder of the Holocaust-denying Institute for Historical Review in Newport Beach, and documentarian Anthony J. Hilder, whose film 9-11: The Greatest Lie Ever Sold alleges the United States government caused the World Trade Center attacks.

Mottahedeh and a subsequent speaker tried to talk about the IRS, but the crowd would have none of it. Some stood up and harped on a specific tax code; 72-14, which concerns the inheritance tax, was frequently cited. Others loudly debated the Constitution—the crowd booed a guy who claimed the Ninth Amendment, not the Fourth, guaranteed the right to bear arms. At another point, a man stood up. “Why are you quoting case law when it’s not law?” he demanded. “What about the Constitution?”

“That hasn’t been law since they ratified the 14th Amendment!” shouted another man. That’s the amendment, by the way, that outlawed slavery. And it continued like this throughout the weekend, with Mottahedeh smiling at all times like the luckiest bastard on earth.