Author Archives: Scott Fayner

About Scott Fayner

Former contributing editor at LukeFord.com.

IS DAN MILLER THE NICEST GUY ON EARTH?

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Fayner Posts: Two years ago was the last AVN Award show I tried to attend. And I say try, because I was not allowed entrance into the show.

I remember it like it just happened. I approached Mike Ramone, the then main editor at AVN. He was/is a douchebag. I think it may have something to do with how he liked being punished for being a bad little boy on the internet. I don’t know.

But he told Nadia Styles I was a crackhead and no way I was getting a ticket. I was pissed, not because I wasn’t going to the award show, but because I wasn’t allowed to go.

But not this year. I called the new head editor Dan Miller, a sweet, sweet man, and asked him if he could hook up some old friends of mine who were gonna be in town for the convention. He told me he’d try. I assumed that meant no.

But then some hot sounding chick, his assistant perhaps, called me up asking if I wanted the tickets. And to make it better, she called a few more times over the week just checking in and making sure all my needs were met.

Fucking awesome, that Dan Miller is.

Now he knows how much I love him. I’m blushing.

ANOTHER THING ABOUT MARY CAREY

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Fayner Posts: So I was watching the highly anticipated Celebrity Rehab the other night, just to see what my competition would be if I got back into drugs and had to go to rehab to get clean again.

First off, the guy from Taxi is WAY fucked up, like Tiffany Holiday fucked up. Damn!

Now, Mary Carey we all know as the daughter of two retarded people who for some reason thinks she’s smart enough to one day run this country. Listen, if Hillary Clinton with her years at top-notch prep schools and social environments is having trouble getting into the White House (again) what makes a retard spawn with years of drug abuse and a history of pornography think she’ll ever be more than a great, big (headed) joke?

I don’t know why either, but she does.

But the chick must learn to conduct herself with at least a little hint of tact if she ever does want to be President, especially in front of the camera.

Now who knows if that show is pure fiction, but even so I think Mary could act a bit more concerned about her future sobriety, especially since she gave some weeping speech about how after her mother tried to kill herself by jumping out a window she was gonna quit porn and drugs and booze. But seconds after entering the rehab she’s trying to fuck that loser from Crazy Town while pulling dildos out of her bag.

Is this how the future President of the United States should act?

No.

I mean, at least get into the Oval Office before doing things like this. Right, Bill?

ULTIMATE FIGHTER #78: TITO ORTIZ VS JAMES DEEN

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Fayner Posts: Flash back, if you will, to last week’s AVN Award show. I’ll give you a few minutes, as I know how behind schedule one becomes after attending the convention. You got, it? Good.

So this is what I know happened. James Deen was sitting in the front row with his girlfriend Joanna Angel. Jenna Jameson and her boyfriend Tito Ortiz were sitting at the next table over.

James lit up a cigarette. Tito saw this, stood up in Deen’s face and screamed, “You better put that fucking thing out!”

James stood there allegedly like a deer caught in the headlights. “Me?”

“Yeah you! Put it out!”

James did.

Apparently, that was a smart move. But I wouldn’t know ’cause I don’t watch grown men rub testicles while fighting.

JENNA RETIRING? DOES ANYONE EVEN CARE?

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Fayner Posts: First off, I have to get this off my chest: Jenna Jameson looks exactly like Houston. Remember Houston? She was the one with far too much cosmetic surgery who also quit the business to do other things she never got around to ’cause too many people were scared when she left the house so she finally just stopped leaving the house. Or so I just made up…but it does seem possible, right?

Well, now Jenna has become that scary looking ex-porn chick. I know I’m scared, and I think Jenna is cool. All I know is that if I took a bunch of LSD and came across Jenna I’d think she was a monster and I’d run to the woods and probably poke out my eyes with a pointed stick.

Who amongst us even wants Jenna to spread her legs again for the camera? From what I’ve been told, her announcement to the AVN Award crowd stating this didn’t seem to bother the crowd. In fact, I’ve been told they sounded “happy…elated that Jenna would no longer be performing.”

Don’t get me wrong, Jenna is awesome and always will be awesome but apparently the years doing porn and taking drugs has fucked her up royally. I mean, look at her lately?

She looks just like Houston.

And I’m scared.

A MARY CAREY MOMENT

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Fayner Posts: Like I said before, I had my eyes and ears in Vegas while I sat back in L.A. sipping grape soda and frolicking with the dogs.

Here’s something you may enjoy: So they were doing something new with the AVN Award tickets, where you needed a special sticker or something to be able to walk down the Red Carpet. I’m told not a lot of performers knew beforehand about this, and it became a huge bummer for those who actually cared about it.

Like Mary Carey.

Apparently, Mary Carey was so upset about not having access to walk down the red carpet that she tried throwing her weight around to the hapless staff.

“Do you know who I am? I’m supposed to be on the red carpet! People expect to see me walking down the red carpet! Don’t you see how giant my head is! (okay, the last one I made up).

From what I know, Mary was never let on the red carpet. Boo fucking hoo.

Could this be why Mary was seen later drinking alcohol? Wasn’t she just on VH1’s Celebrity Rehab???? We’ll have more on this later…

A WOMAN CAN CHANGE HER MIND, RIGHT?

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Fayner Posts: I’ve decided to not travel to Las Vegas this year for the porn convention. There are many, many reasons why I’m not going, but to make it easier on myself I’ll just say that it is because my vagina hurts.

But have no fear, I’ve alerted my peeps and they’ll all be on the lookout for drugged-out chicks, fights and silly happenings that always go on and will be reporting back to me here at the LukeFord Headquarters.

But as always, I’ve come to believe that the things I make up are so much better than what really goes on, so I’ll be conducting interviews from the convention floor with many of the smut sluts even though I won’t be there. How will I do this, you ask? Simple: by making it up.

Why not, right?

And I am truly sorry to all of my fans for not going to the show and reporting what I see and do (like I’ve done so many years now), I’m sure it must make you day reading about all the craziness I get myself in to. But at the moment going is just not the right thing for me to do.

It’s just that my vagina really, really hurts.

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JENNA JAMESON FROM THE PORN CONVENTION FLOOR

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Fayner Posts: Yeah, I’m that good. I can get an interview with Jenna Jameson whenever the fuck I want. She moves around my schedule. It wasn’t always this way…

Back in my second year at the Vegas convention when I was just a young writer trying to fit in I got the chance to interview Jenna at the Vivid booth. I had been up ALL week doing blow, and it was Sunday morning around 10. Someone I was with asked me, “don’t you have to go interview Jenna right now?” as I snorted another line. I did.

So I took off down the elevator and down the hall and down another hall and another and you get the idea until I got to the Vivid booth.

This is when I approached Jenna, allegedly with cocaine all over my face, blood on the sleeves of my shirt and a glass of rum I’d been carrying around for days it seems.

I also had a video camera. Unknowing to me at the time, I had turned off the audio, so the whole interview had zero sound. I believe I got in trouble at Hustler for that one, but can’t remember as them were some dark dark days.

This time will be different, right?

FAYNER: Hi Jenna. How’s it going?

JENNA:

FAYNER: That good, huh?

JENNA

FAYNER What are your predictions for the award show?

JENNA

FAYNER Wow, that would be an upset! So, how’s Tito doing?

JENNA

FAYNER Wait, what, he stuck what in where? Is that even possible?

JENNA

FAYNER You two must have some crazy sex. I think I’ve actually heard enough from you on the subject, thanks.

JENNA

FAYNER I said no more, please. So what have you been doing in Vegas?

JENNA

FAYNER Oh, come on, Jenna! No one goes there anymore! I thought you knew better than that!

JENNA

FAYNER Well, I guess if there are three hot chicks trying to fuck you in the booth it could be an okay club. You’re right, sorry.

JENNA

FAYNER Okay, I can see the long line getting a bit upset with me for taking too much time, so I’m gonna take off. But thanks so much for this amazing interview. And good luck at the awards tomorrow night! I’m rooting for you!

JENNA

(In case you didn’t already know, Jenna ain’t signing autographs and meeting with her fans this year. Blame it on Playboy, her new boss. That is why I didn’t have her say anything in this interview; because she ain’t there. And neither am I!)

THINGS I EXPECT IN VEGAS

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Fayner Posts: I was really truly hoping to make this year my Second Annual Don’t Go To Vegas For The Porno Convention, but while in Nantucket a few months back TR and Alaura told some of my friends that if they came to the convention we’d show them a good time. So now it looks like I have to make the trip. I figure that until I get there and get a drink in me I’ll be bitching about it, but once that drink hits my tongue I’ll be semi-happy that I made the trip.

But seriously, how many more of these can I possibly go to before I either kill myself, someone kills me or something stops my heart? I can just imagine what someone like Mark Davis must go through since I believe the guy has been to almost everyone since it started all them years ago.

But since I missed the last AVN convention, by choice, I’m aware of how much more difficult it will be to make it through unscathed. The cigarette smoke alone can kill a strong donkey. If anything, I’m a weak donkey.

I don’t know any of the talent these days. They just keep coming faster and faster into the biz, too fast for an old man like me to keep track of. And since I haven’t even tried to keep up with the new stable of talent (if you want to call it that), I feel like I’ll seem just like another sketchy scumbag to these young sluts instead of the important journalist we all know me to be.

There will be some people there who hate me. They’ll probably tell me what they think of me. I always enjoy that. There will also be fans of mine with nickel bags of cocaine who want to give me some. Hopefully I’ll say no thanks, but I can already smell the fucking shit and I can’t say for sure if my sobriety will hold. And even if I do fuck up and do a line or thirty I’m pretty sure I’ll hate it. Sweet.

I’m gonna fuck a new hottie this year. I’m thinking Nadia Styles, but I’ve yet to ask her. Nadia kind of falls hard for my charm so it shouldn’t be that hard to talk her into having sex with me. If you see her before I do, can you put in a good word for me????