About Scott Fayner

Former contributing editor at LukeFord.com.

KIM KARADASHIAN PLAYBOY SPREAD

DCypher posts: I found this article on AOL on the Black Voices Blog. WTF? I won’t even get into what would happen if AOL were to introduce a White Voices Blog. I’ll leave that kind of nonsense and brouhaha to the professionals like Matt and Trey. Good luck gentlemen. For now let’s just focus on how hard Ray to tha J slammed this girl in the Vivid best selling classic.

Good times. Slutty Kimmy is, like the brother Jimmy Walker used to say, DYNOMITE!!!

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Kim Kardashian sure knows how to make a whole lot out of nothing.

The alleged Hollywood socialite is gracing the cover of Playboy magazine’s December issue, which hit newsstands this week.

On the outside of the magazine, the Armenian beauty and tabloid mainstay is adorned in a red, stringy satin get-up accentuated by red high heels – perfect tie-in for the holiday season. Inside, she strikes a myriad of poses, which exposes her full and abundant endowments.

“It is not as revealing as some people might want,” she said in a recent interview. “I keep it classy … It was something that I was really nervous about doing at first.”Kardashian is the daughter of late OJ Simpson attorney Robert Kardashian, and the ex-wife of music producer Damon Thomas of The Underdogs. Since gaining popularity as a “best-friend’ of over-exposed hotel heiress Paris Hilton, the voluptuous pin-up girl, professionally known as a fashion stylist for R&B stars, has been romantically linked to a slew of sought after black celebrity bachelors, including football star Reggie Bush and actor Nick Cannon.

The commercial release of ‘Kim K Superstar,’ her raunchy sex tape with hip-hop soul crooner Ray-J, earlier this year, propelled her into the stratosphere of quasi-celebrity scandal.

She sued adult video giant Vivid Entertainment and halted the sale of the best-selling DVD.

On Oct. 14, E! Entertainment Television debuted ‘Keepin Up with the Kardashians,’ a far-fetched reality series following on the day-to-day dilemmas of the sexpot’s family dynamic. Surprisingly, the story-line – which revolves around her over-the-top “momager” Kris Jenner and mild-mannered, conservative step dad Bruce Jenner trying to keep up with their young son Robert and five outrageous daughters – ranked as the number one show among women (ages 18 to 34) in its Sunday night premiere timeslot.

After four weeks on the air, the series has reached more than 13 million total viewers, a network rep confirmed.

Today, E! announced the second season pick-up for the hit half-hour reality series, which is produced by ‘American Idol’ host Ryan Seacrest.

“Viewers have clearly fallen for the Kardashians,” network Executive Vice President Lisa Berger said in a statement. “This family’s one-of-a-kind dynamics and hilarious antics has made the series a fantastic addition to our prime time line-up.”

JESUS PANCAKES COST MORE BUT TASTE THE SAME

Opiates For BreakfastDCypher posts: Bill Maher, one of my favorite people on planet Earth, is coming out with a new movie done by my friend Larry Charles about how religion makes people crazy. I like Bill a lot but I don’t let him do my thinking for me. Sure I agree with much of what he says, or am at the bare minimum entertained by his opinion and approach to life, but when it comes time to do the heavy lifting I prefer to rely on my own abilities of reasoning as well as my intuition and past experience.

Along comes the Jesus pancake phenomenon. ZOMFG.

Why on Earth would the white Jesus popularized by medieval fabrications appear in your pancake, tree, or grilled cheese? Historically Jesus was a black Jew who wandered around with prostitutes and lepers. Chances are the brother had some seriously nappy dreads. Most scholars agree that he was olive skinned and looked more like the people that flew the planes into the Twin Towers than a tall Nordic warrior. Ironic huh? The people America fears most are the descendants of their personal Lord and Savior, the one that taught them to turn the other cheek because Heaven on Earth belongs to the meek. SEE ALSO: TYPICAL CHRISTIAN HYPOCRISY, IRAQ, PREEMPTIVE WAR.

The Jesus that appears in people’s food looks more like he inked by Matt Groeng or Lalo Alcarez.

It’s funny too that the first thing people do with their miracle appearance is to sell it on eBay. Dana O’Kane of Port St. Lucie, who has dystonia, a movement disorder similar to Parkinson’s disease, said she was about to sprinkle some chocolate powder on a pancake when she noticed the image of Jesus and Mary and stopped dead in her tracks. Her mother, however, thought what her daughter saw as a divine image looked more like a Bedouin and Santa Claus. God bless her mom.

O’Kane’s first attempt to sell the pancake online fell through despite bidding that reached $450. O’Kane eventually accepted a $29 bid by Stephen Kosmach of Wood Dale, Ill. O’Kane says she’s going to donate the money to the Dystonia Foundation. Maybe next time Jesus can appear on a hundred dollar bill. It would sure save a lot of time and energy for his true believers.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to go all hypothetical, political, lyrical, miracle whip on ya. Go about your business.

YOU CAN BE A PART OF HISTORY

Fayner Posts: I was thinking the other day about how much of my life has been spent writing for this site, something like 15% or so. That’s a lot.

And then I was walking down the street and TheRealLukeFord drove by in a Rolls Royce with like five naked chicks hanging out and he’s throwing out stacks of $100 bills to the poor folk and laughing all the way…

“Hey, Luke,” I panted after catching up to his $200,000 whip at a stop light, “How can you afford such wonderful things and have such naked women around you at all times?”

“Listen, kid,” Luke said, handing me a $100 bill, “I write books. Lots of them. And its the easiest thing to do, you just search through your web site’s archives and pick some good stuff, then go flirt with the guy at Kinkos and before long you have a book you can show your friends! You should try it!”

And then he was off in a cloud of success and disposable income.

So what the fuck, right? I have like five years worth of writing on this site and there has to be a hilarious book in here somewhere. I just want what TheRealLukeFord has: fame, success and piles of cash.

If you remember any great articles I’ve done here over the years I would love to hear about it ’cause I prolly don’t remember writing it. Maybe I’ll put it in the book. Send suggestions to fayneralmighty@gmail.com

JASMINE TAME ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE NEXT WANKER WANG

 

*****WANTED*****
Are you my PORNOJACKASS?
Think you have totally sick ideas?
No big penises necessary.
All benefits included til death due us apart
If you have what it takes to be a total goofball,
Apply yourself 2 satisfy Jazzez Azz
www.myspace.com/jasmine_tame

Fayner Says: I know, I know, I’m an asshole for even giving Wanker Chico Wang any press after what he did to Haley, but c’mon, the guy is dead, right? I can give him all the press in the world and he will never reap the benefits. In that case, I say what the fuck, hook the Fat Asian Nigga up!

I don’t know Jasmine Tame. I’m sure her vagina is warm and her mouth a suction full of life. Apparently, she cared for Chico’s warped sense of pornography. But seriously, can you blame her with all the old man Roy Karch’s of the world bringing boring to the movie set instead of making it fun. Chico made his sets fun, at least for himself. Sometimes that rubbed off on the girls he was shooting. Jasmine is one of those girls.

I think I would like to apply for the job after reading Jasmine’s “All Benefits Included” line. I need a total dirty slut to service me and get nothing joyful in return. I think that’s what I’ve been missing my whole entire life.

[INSERT PUKING SOUND HERE]

102-year-old pensioner Nora Hardwick poses topless and becomes one of the oldest women ever to appear in a nude calendar.

The former-councillor, from Lincolnshire, became Miss November to raise cash for her local football team, Ancaster Athletic.

News of her picture has raced around the world – with stories as far a field in Bosnia, Australia and New Zealand.

And above we can exclusively reveal the snap that’s making all the headlines.

Pub regular Nora – who covered her chest with a strategically-placed scarf – downed a small glass of whiskey before getting her kit off.

She told us: “I’d never done anything like it before – and I doubt I will again.

“I just thought ‘go for it’ and I’m so glad I did!”

Landlord at the Ermine Way pub, Donna Moodie, added: “Nora’s such a good sport.”

TITO ORTIZ ON CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

Tito Ortiz & Jenna Jameson DCypher posts: E! Entertainment reported today that Jenna Jameson’s lover UFC Fighter Tito Ortiz, made the cut for Donald Trump’s The Celebrity Apprentice, along with 13 other stars and super stars in training.

Things just keep looking up for these two lovebirds, don’t they? It sure is nice to see Jenna truly happy in a relationship. Watching the way they dote on each other is enough to put even the most bitter cynic into a diabetic coma.

According to the article the list includes Nashville warbler Trace Adkins, actor and reality-show regular Stephen Baldwin, former model Carol Alt, former Taxi star Marilu Henner, former Sopranos star Vincent “Big Pussy” Pastore, former heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis, former Olympic medalist Nadia Comaneci and KISS rocker, reality star and professional self-promoter Gene Simmons. America’s Got Talent judge Piers Morgan, 2005’s Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon and original Apprentice baddie Omarosa also made the cut. Rounding out the players: Olympic softball gold medalist Jennie Finch and Nely Galan, the creator of Galan Entertainment, who has created more than 600 English- and Spanish-language programs.

“This will be the most exciting season of The Apprentice yet—maybe even better than season one,” Trump said in typical understated fashion as he introduced the seventh installment. “Our 14 celebrity contestants are incredible individually, and as a group they will make The Celebrity Apprentice one of the hottest shows on television.”

This time around, the would-be apprenti will compete not for a chance to serve as Trump gofer, but for the chance to win $250,000 for their designated charity. Each challenge will also revolve around fundraising tactics, for which the celebs can use their connections and cachet to earn money for various charitable organizations.

The new season kicks off Jan. 3 on NBC. Good luck to Tito and congrats!

BELLA @ ASS TRAFFIC

Bella @ Ass Traffic DCypher posts: This is Bella from Ass Traffic. As Wyland from Stone Temple Pilots fame would say, her name is what it means.

She gets taken apart by two very lucky guys in the clip. From watching just a small part of the sample video it’s clear that she doesn’t have a lot of sexual hang up’s. I can tell you that. She may have some boundary issues though. She might want to check with a therapist.

If you’ve got a few minutes to spare you should definitely check it out. It is extraordinary.

Enjoy your Monday…unless you’re reading this on Tuesday, you lazy bastard.

LUCIA @ MET ART

Don't forget to breatheDCypher posts: Days go by but a steady stream of delightful content just keeps pouring out of Met Art like a river of sweet girly nectar. Their archives are deep and they keep updating and updating.

I know some of you think I’m biased at this point, despite adding tons of other free content to this site, but Met Art continues to amaze me. From the response that I’ve gotten it continues to amaze many of you as well.

Where on earth do they find all these hot ass young chicks with perfect breasts? Fuck me sideways. Only Met Art knows.

This lovely lady has a name that is virtually impossible to pronounce. In fact, her name looks more like the town Saddam Hussein used to summer in when he was in his early teens than the moniker used to identify a human being.

I renamed her Lucia. I’m sure it won’t slow your stroke.

Enjoy the set.

Click Here For Full Gallery

SOPHIE MONK POSES NUDE FOR PETA

My future wife...DCypher posts: Sophie Monk is ineffably beautiful. A golden halo of light gently kisses every radiant inch of her silky skin at all times. I know this for a fact because I ran into her one night at my grocery store with her fiancé from that band that doesn’t always suck but whose albums I never buy. She was wearing JUICY sweats and had no makeup on. She still looked fucking hot. It was hard not to stalk her around the aisles and come up with reasons to talk to her.

Turns out she’s got a moral compass too, even though she is posing “nude” to promote it, which may mean it is slightly damaged. I will have to check with the authority on such issues. Now all I need to hear is that she is Buddhist too and close personal friends with the Dalai Lama and I will know she is indeed my soul mate.

Do me a favor? Keep your fingers crossed.

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Australian pop singing sensation and actor Sophie Monk is as compassionate as she is beautiful. That’s why she jumped at the opportunity to speak up for animals by shedding her clothes and posing nude in a bed of chili peppers alongside the tagline “Spice Up Your Life—Go Vegetarian” in one of PETA’s sexiest vegetarian PSAs to date.

As a longtime vegetarian, Sophie wants fans to know that giving up meat is one of the best things you can do to “spice up your life.” Eating a diet of vegetarian foods will give you more energy, help you stay trim, and improve blood flow to all of your body’s organs. “If you are going to take your clothes off for something, it better be a good cause,” says Sophie in her interview with PETA. And a good cause it is! Going vegetarian will not only help spice up your own life, it’s the best thing you can do to help the environment and save billions of animals from suffering in factory farms.

CARLI BANKS REDUX

Carli Fucking Banks DCypher posts: Do you ever feel like you’re experiencing déjà vu?

I swear that we ran this set once before but even thought I search and search and search through the archives I cannot find it.

That’s strange. I feel like I’m on a bad episode of Ghost Whisperer.

Do you ever feel like you’re experiencing déjà vu?

I swear that we ran this set once before but even thought I search and search and search through the archives I cannot find it.

That’s strange. I feel like you just read that twice in a row. Lol. Suckapunch!

Now go enjoy this amazingly beautiful set of one of the most beautiful women in the whole wide world.

Click Here For Full Set