Opiates For BreakfastDCypher posts: Bill Maher, one of my favorite people on planet Earth, is coming out with a new movie done by my friend Larry Charles about how religion makes people crazy. I like Bill a lot but I don’t let him do my thinking for me. Sure I agree with much of what he says, or am at the bare minimum entertained by his opinion and approach to life, but when it comes time to do the heavy lifting I prefer to rely on my own abilities of reasoning as well as my intuition and past experience.

Along comes the Jesus pancake phenomenon. ZOMFG.

Why on Earth would the white Jesus popularized by medieval fabrications appear in your pancake, tree, or grilled cheese? Historically Jesus was a black Jew who wandered around with prostitutes and lepers. Chances are the brother had some seriously nappy dreads. Most scholars agree that he was olive skinned and looked more like the people that flew the planes into the Twin Towers than a tall Nordic warrior. Ironic huh? The people America fears most are the descendants of their personal Lord and Savior, the one that taught them to turn the other cheek because Heaven on Earth belongs to the meek. SEE ALSO: TYPICAL CHRISTIAN HYPOCRISY, IRAQ, PREEMPTIVE WAR.

The Jesus that appears in people’s food looks more like he inked by Matt Groeng or Lalo Alcarez.

It’s funny too that the first thing people do with their miracle appearance is to sell it on eBay. Dana O’Kane of Port St. Lucie, who has dystonia, a movement disorder similar to Parkinson’s disease, said she was about to sprinkle some chocolate powder on a pancake when she noticed the image of Jesus and Mary and stopped dead in her tracks. Her mother, however, thought what her daughter saw as a divine image looked more like a Bedouin and Santa Claus. God bless her mom.

O’Kane’s first attempt to sell the pancake online fell through despite bidding that reached $450. O’Kane eventually accepted a $29 bid by Stephen Kosmach of Wood Dale, Ill. O’Kane says she’s going to donate the money to the Dystonia Foundation. Maybe next time Jesus can appear on a hundred dollar bill. It would sure save a lot of time and energy for his true believers.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to go all hypothetical, political, lyrical, miracle whip on ya. Go about your business.

Leave a Reply