Fayner Posts: The good thing is there is no hell for the Jewish people. Otherwise I’d be fucked royally.

So yesterday morning I had a boner. Luckily, Lisa Marie was nearby. I asked her for a blowjob.

“Later,” she said. “I need a nap.”

“But you didn’t get me a Chanukkah gift yet! And it ends at noon today!”

After minutes of begging Lisa Marie told me to wake her up at noon for my gift. But I had to go run an errand and returned at around one. Luckily she was still asleep and didn’t realize it was past the noon deadline even though I made the whole thing up ’cause it ends tonight.

Lisa Marie was still sleepy, so I pulled the old “just stroke it” line knowing damn well she’s the kind of girl who needs it in her mouth. So she did. But me and Lisa do this thing where I say something totally funny as hell and she can’t stop laughing, and because I’m so stoned I start making jokes as she blows me. Not a good idea, ’cause all her laughing kinda knocked me off my game and I was unable to unwrap my present into her face. Damn! But Christmas is coming up and what do you know I got her an awesome gift: my dick in her face. Think she’ll love it or what?

By the way, Lisa Marie is now at Gold Star Modeling so go hire her ’cause she is quite the little cocksucker!



Fayner Posts: The phone rang. It was Lisa Marie.

LISA MARIE Hey, isn’t it the Jewish New Year or something?

FAYNER Yes it is.


FAYNER If you want, you could light a candle. Or a joint…Or a cigarette…Or a crack pipe.

LISA MARIE Funny you should say that, ’cause I did all of them today!

FAYNER Of course you did.

LISA MARIE Does that make me a Jew?

FAYNER Do you want it to?


FAYNER Then sure, what the hell! I now pronounce you Jew.


#1: Lisa’s biggest fan is a mentally challenged grocery bagger at Gelson’s. Lisa gave him her number and he always calls her and speaks retarded to her.

#2: At TR’s birthday at Spago, I told Lisa beforehand that the place is classy and for her not to dress like a whore. She was. Her excuse? “Hey, I’m wearing panties! Now that’s class!”


new haircut, influential friends in pink and popular drugs: is this enough to get laid?

Fayner Posts: Yesterday I was bragging about how Lisa Marie was coming over for movie night and I was sure to get laid. Shit, I even cancelled the blow being delivered so I’d be in peak form to ravish her fine backside.

I asked you to suggest some movies I could put on to guarantee me getting some. Here is what some of you thought.

1) Gotta go with a tried and true movie.
Chasing Amy
Can’t go wrong here, it’s a chick flick with
lesbians!  Better bring a few condoms, 1 won’t be enough.

2) Watch Requiem For A Dream (excellent fuckin flick, loves it) and then make her re create the scene at the end…ASS TO ASS!


3) a. Crash (Not the Haggis one, but the one starring James Spader)


I decided to go with one of my favorites, Summer of Sam by Spike Lee. There is something so hot about Adrian Brody’s huge nostrils I just wanna bang him sooooo badly. (sorry). I couldnt find it, so I picked Philadelphia, but knowing Lisa’s tendecy to cry I went a little lighter on the sorrow and put in Mystic River.

Lisa wanted some wedd, booze and xanax. I understood. Fucking me must be an ugly task. So I joined her. Then she took another quarter bar and I matched her. Then I was too tired to do anything sexual.

So I took her home. She was pissed off royally cause her vagina didnt get penetrated. I promised the next time I’d lay off the xanax. I felt as though I let her down by not getting my dick hard, even though it remained erect for pretty much the three hours we hung out. Not bad for a druggie in his mid 30s, huh?

If I get another chance at movie night I’m popping in something either with Brad Pitt or Spinal Tap. If that doesn’t work, I’m turning gay. 


Fayner Posts: I was thinking about doing some drugs tonight cause TR keeps hounding me to do some updates and the only time I ever feel in the mood to write about porno these days is when I’m good and fucked up. Funny how that happens, huh?

But I was flapping around the internet just before now and came across Lisa Marie’s myspace profile and low and behold the site of her fine almost perfect backside made me begin thinking I’d rather have sex with her than do drugs.

Wait a second, is this Scott Fayner we’re talking about?

What a fucking pussy.

Anyway, I set up our weekly Movie Night that Lisa and I try and do once a week. We began this new weekly thing about two months ago and this will only be the third movie night we’ve done. We’re lame.

So, I want to make sure I have sex with Lisa tonight. Despite what you may have heard, there is in fact only a 92% chance of getting sex when Lisa Marie is within a mile radius, down from a whopping 99% just last year.

I don’t want to screw up this chance. Email me what movie you think I should pick tonight that will guarantee me getting laid. If i pick yours and I get laid you’ll win a bunch of porno.

Friends and family of Lisa Marie are not able to enter this contest.


Fayner Posts: I’m finally going to Lake Havasu! Dez and Staci, who go every year, I guess felt inclined to invite me since they asked Taylor while I was standing next to her. They probably didnt want me to go, I understand that, but they felt like they needed to out of kindness for the less fortunate.

Not knowing exactly what to expect when I go, I thought inviting Lisa Marie along couldnt hurt the whore-slut-cocksucking-department. She accepted. Good whores usually do

So when Memorial Day comes around, we’ll all be hittin the boat and dong whatever people do when they’re in Havasu. For me, that means blowing coke. For Taylor, that means smoking weed. For Dez, it means playing videogames.

And for Lisa Marie, that means sucking a lot of cock.

"I really think I can get to 100!" she says to me over the phone. "My mouth is ready, my tongue is too. I just need to work my throat out a little bit more of the next week or so and by the time we get there I’ll be well on my way to giving 100 blowjobs! The only downside is that I have to give Fayner one!"

Its sure to be a good time had by all, especially Lisa Marie. I for one will not be sharing a toothbrush with her at any point of the weekend. Smart, aint I?


Fayner Posts: Cable was out the other night in my neighborhood, so in need of entertainment I decided to call Lisa Marie ’cause she is pretty much as fun as TV…more fun than The Cosby show but less fun than MASH.

I bet Alan Alda sucks a mean cock.

That was wrong to say.

Tisk tisk.

But as we were sitting there on the couch watching American Psycho, I thought I was in the mood for a foot job.

Lisa Marie’s the type of gal who’ll do mostly anything…I mean, she was at my place without me having to drug her. So off went her socks, and off she went.

Then I discovered that this young hottie has not one but two amazing talents that she can somehow do at the same time!

This gal can light a cigarette lighter with her toes, and, now this is where it gets tricky…while simultaneously talking about lighting a cigarette lighter with he toes.

I for one was amazed.