DCypher posts: Some people disappear on you. Who knows why it happens. It drives me nuts though. One minute you’re in regular communication with them and everything is hunky dory and the next they just fall out of your life…vanishing without a trace.

Usually this happens when someone owes you money or doesn’t feel like honoring an agreement. In the case of my former reviewer, CUNTINGTON MCGEE, it was much darker and more mysterious.

Perhaps he was recalled by the Blackwater Corporation to wrap up some loose ends in Iraq. Perhaps he went underground after the mob killed his family to learn martial arts and have secret government implants added to his body so he could exact revenge on those who destroyed all he cared for in this world. Truth is we will probably never know, but it’s all the same. I’m glad as fuck he’s back. I can tell you that. If you will take a moment to check out his unique reviewer style you will be too.

*** *** ***

Teen Fuck Holes 7
from Platinum X

Scene 1: Veronique Vega’s genetic makeup couldn’t be more fortunate for us chronic masturbators—she’s got all the curves and youthful good looks of a Victoria’s Secret Model with a shnozz just big enough to garner the grade-school ridicule to send her into a career in porn. Her rookie’s enthusiasm originally led me to believe that this was her porn debut, so you can imagine my surprise upon viewing the topographical map of the Alps she’s got hidden under those panties. I’m not sure if this is true for all girls from whatever country Veronique hails from, but the area surrounding her butthole looks like some kind of mesmerizing grey whale cornea. That may be the most romantic sentence I’ve ever constructed about anyone.

Barbie Cummings sports that “blue-eyed, blonde Southern cheerleader” look, the only difference being the paleness of the two simultaneous cocks in her vagina. At one point, one of her costars fucks her doggie-style with one foot pinning the back of her head to the couch–perhaps a bit more prudent when fucking a rabid wolverine than a middle-school dropout with fake tits. At the end of the scene, when Barbie turns to the camera with a mouthful of future Einsteins and asks, “Are you gonna go jack off to that?”, it really made me appreciate the fact that were it just a second earlier in geologic time, I’d still be beating off to cave-paintings of stickwomen with goat-heads.

The fact that Leah Luv has braces made it that much harder for me to acquire this film, as Woody Allen had already bought every remaining copy. Leah is the only star to be anally invaded in this feature; I guess it was part of the “every other girl in this movie is hotter than you” clause in her contract. The scene begins with a stand-up doggie followed by Slinkie-style, which is a term I just coined to describe sex on a stairway. Also included is a brief fucking of Leah’s asscrack itself, which would be the popular pastime following abstinence education classes were it not for the existence of the anus. The scene wraps up with Leah slurping her partner’s eel-vomit off a glass table zamboni-style—and they say nobody’s excited about the start of hockey season!

Divine’s star performance in Scene 4 made me lament the fact that there aren’t more young black girls like her in porn; it’s a shame they all have their hands full raising their kids. Divine, who has the honor of being voted by the Republican National Committee as the nation’s finest 3/5 of a piece of ass, does a fine job of masking her shock while a sexual partner actually performs cunnilingus on her. This cinematic tribute to the career of Strom Thurmond concludes with a creampie…or should I say COOKIES n’ cream pie? (Jesus—I could be a monologue writer for Bill Maher with zingers like that) .

I cannot say enough good things about the work of Paulina James—she may very well be solely responsible for the “smoker’s teeth” hue of the wifebeater under my bed. My favorite position for Paulina would have to be reverse cowgirl, as it gives her a chance to display her mighty clitoris; make no mistake–when it comes to clitoral matters, I won’t accept anything less than the “Facehugger from Alien” look. The traditional money-shot on the stomach at this scene’s finish is a throwback to the classic 1970s style of porn, minus the Snuffleupagus-sized yodelpatch on the girl’s privates, of course.

Well, as always, I hope you enjoyed witnessing my ongoing journey through the double-digit circles of Hell. Now if you’ll excuse me, these first grade spelling tests don’t grade themselves!