Fayner Posts: I was rummaging through some old shit today and came across this from April of 2004. Since most of you were still learning to read in 2004, I’ve decided to repost it for your enjoyment.
Fine, I’m just trying to fill up space…
I was up real real late last night working on some crap, still conscious at noon when my phone was ringing from a 617 number, that being Boston. Against all better judgment I picked it up. It was the little brother of an old high school chum of mine, someone I hadn’t talked to in ten years. I asked what he wanted.
“I’m taking a journalism class in college,” he told me, “and your name came up in discussion.”
“Are you studying what not to do with your writing career?” I asked.
“My teacher says he reads your shit every morning. He’s quite impressed with your writing. He couldn’t believe that I know you.”
“You don’t know me at all. I never liked you. I think I jerked off in your bed one night. That sucks for you.”
“Okay, great,” he continued. “Listen, I have to interview a reporter for an assignment and I was hoping you’d let me ask you some questions.”
I can’t understand how anyone is impressed with anything that I write. It’s elementary and repetitive dribble about people who fuck on camera for money. How on Earth can that be inspiring? Funny sometimes, maybe, but I ain’t changing the world with my words. It’s preposterous really, but I somehow felt it would be right to oblige this young scribe with his request. I’m a big softy. For my pain and suffering, I demanded he type it up right away and email me a copy so that I’d have something to post. Enjoy…
How did you come about working in porn?
When I moved to Hollywood in January 2000 and failed to become the newest writer for the Simpsons, I answered an ad for an editorial assistant job at an adult magazine. I had no idea it was for Hustler, I thought I’d be burned again and find myself in some fag magazine office like a week beforehand. “Instinct” was the magazine, and I told them I was curious about boys just to get some work. Luckily they saw right through me and passed on hiring me. A week later I was starting at Hustler. It’s been downhill ever since.
What were your job duties?
I sat around and did nothing. When I was doing something, it was walking around the block getting stoned. Eventually I got to start writing On The Set articles for Mike Albo and Hustler Erotic Video Guide. I did one a month, and some movie reviews as well. A year into the job I got promoted to editor of Hustler.com, where I was set loose to carouse with the porn chicks and get in trouble. It was a perfect fit for someone like me. I like fucking porn girls.
Have you been with a lot of porn chicks?
People seem to think I’m fucking a different slut every day, but that’s hardly the case. I’d say I’ve dropped a load with maybe twenty, twenty five starlets. That hardly makes me a stud.
Most people would kill to bone one porn chick in their lifetime.
Most people are stupid.
Who’s the best fuck you’ve had?
Hands down, Jewel De’Nyle. She tore me up. Best blowjob goes to Taylor Rain. [SORRY KEITH] Dick was meant to be in her mouth.
How do you describe your writing?
It’s not journalism, that’s for sure. I can’t handle writing like that. There’s no life to that, and I feel that the people who read my crap who aren’t in the business get a better picture of the scene and how the girls really are by my style of prose. It’s a hell of a lot easier too. And I can totally relate to people who despise me and could care less about my life, but it’s just the way that I am. I suppose it can be blamed on my childhood fascination with Hunter Thompson. I just dug the way he let me into his adventures through his writing. And although I’m no where near his caliber, I certainly have the spirit and willingness to get in trouble that he has. I mean, why interview some new chick when you can have her suck you off and then write about it?
Do you want to be a respected journalist?
I hate, make that despise, writing. It’s a horrible burden on my sanity. It’s not fun. It’s not sexy. It’s not rewarding. But it is the only thing I do that isn’t pure shit. But to be a respected journalist I’d have to care about society and the future. I don’t have the patience for things like research and the truth. Porn has crippled my desire to be a loved writer. I don’t have the foggiest idea how to run with a scoop, how to form a proper sentence, how to write. Time Magazine ain’t knocking down my door. I’ll tell you though, I’d love to be like Fletch. Now that was a reporter.
Top ten porn chicks?
Ashlyn Gere, Tori Wells, Racquel Darrian, Jenna, Monique Alexander, Monica Sweetheart, Jewel, Taylor Rain, Ashley Blue and Kira Kener. Is that ten?
How many of those have you been serviced by?
Three. Not bad.
I hate you. My teacher wants to know how much of your writing is made up.
I swear to you I make nothing up. I kinda wish I fabricated the disappointment that is my penis. Why didn’t I? That would cheapen what I do even more than it already is. I have no secrets about the drugs I do and the random craziness I sometimes find myself in. And even that’s subsided a bit. I’ve painted myself into a corner and it really does take it’s toll on the body. But I certainly don’t have time to create fiction, and I don’t need to impress anyone with how fucked up I get. Being honest isn’t easy, ’cause your serving up information about yourself to thousands of total strangers every day. It’s taxing. Announcing my split with Taylor was difficult, because it was no one’s business but ours, but I couldn’t just not speak about it. I certainly questioned the role I created with that one, thought about just reporting the news and nothing more, but that would not be me. Although I’m not comfortable when strangers approach me like they know me, I can’t deny that I want to be remembered and appreciated for what I do. Porn is a joke, that’s for certain, but despite what people think I do care about what I do. To a degree, that is.
Last question. Would you encourage a writer to get into this industry?
Would they be taking my job? In that case, yes. Seriously, it’s an amazing opportunity to be creative and free of stress. Writing about girls who accept dick on camera makes waking up a bit easier than slaving at the City Gazette writing about park openings and craft fairs. I’m hanging up now. Find a new major, will you? It’s not to late for Med School. Oh yeah, I blew a load in your bed.