Fayner Posts: Seriously, I wish I could make things like this up. But I can’t, which hurts me to no end as this site is basically me just making shit up about people.
But this is 100% true. Sad, too.
Nathan AKA Winston Burbank has announced that he will only perform in sex scenes with well-known contract female performers.
“Listen,” Winston tells me yesterday over lunch at The Ivy, “you know damn well I have the nicest penis in the business. The girls know it, too. It’s like that old saying: “All the guys wanna be you and all the girls wanna get with you.” That’s me. And knowing this every second of every day, how can I go around sticking my magnificient penis in anything other than the best? I can’t.”
But,” I interject, “not every contract star wants to be with a guy when they’re not sure if he’s white, black or hispanic. It might scare them a little bit.”
“I am the best of all worlds!” shouts Winston, “and no one can argue that. I’m non-threatening like a white guy, I got the spicy romantic edge of a Latin Lover and of course there is my beautiful black penis! I dare a woman to not fall to her knees at the sight of me!”
“So, Winston, we see you obviously care about yourself a great deal, but can you explain how when you suddenly stopped working with run-of-the-mill skanks you are no longer being called for work?”
“Listen, do you think someone like me doesn’t have a plan? I do. I’ve been stalking Stormy for many years now, giving her my shy side to nibble on, right, and by the end of the year we’ll be starring in the biggest production to date, ever! Explosions! Car chases! Death-defying stunts! My Penis!”
“How can you lose?”
“The question should be, ‘how can’t I lose?’ I am, as you know, that good.”