Fayner Posts: I’ll get more into this later when we download all the groovy pictures that go along with our wild two-week vacation, but I must write this one thing now before it vanashes from the depths of my deteriorating memory.

Our landlords at the Nantucket house we rented, Angel and Pepper, are insane. So are all of their friends. Loud parties all hours of the night. We felt right at home, right away.

We wanted to go fishing, Pepper said he knew the perfect guy to take us out: Captain Pete O’Fish. So Pepper brought Pete over to meet us one of the first mornings. Per instructions, we were told that no money should be exchanged, just some porno DVDs and five hits of X. Well, when Capt. Pete came over and began rifling through the giant box of porno, we knew we were in for a long ride.

“I fucking love porn!” he shouted, as he inspected each and every DVD cover. “I sit up at night in my truck and beat off all the time!”

“In your truck?”

“Yeah, I’m kinda homeless these days. I live in my truck.”

“Bummer,” I said, watching him sneak more DVDs into the stack we originally made for him before he came over, now closing in on 20 titles.

Pepper headed back to his house for a minute to grab something, giving Pete a window of opportunity to try and swindle us.

“So,” he said, “usually I get $500 to take people out fishing. For you guys, I’ll knock off $100. Deal?”

Just then, Pepper returned, much to Pete’s disdain.

“Pete! We already talked about this! No money! You got your porn and pills! Got it?”

“Yeah,” Pete sulked. Then he smiled. “I think the X is kicking in! C’mon, let’s go fishing!”

So we drove, ending up at a big house by a pond.

“Where are we?” Taylor asked.

“My family’s house,” Pete replied.

“What?” TR shouted. “I thought you were homeless!?”

“Well, I’m only allowed here to shower and go fishing.”

Because of the poor weather, we were told a day fishing for snapping turtles on the pond was our best bet. Pete promised Staci a turtle shell so she could dress up her puppy Lou as a Ninja Turtle for Halloween. Then the drugs really kicked in, and that plan was forgotten.

But we did catch a bunch of fish. Staci was the big winner. But only perch were caught. Fuck it, we said, let’s eat ’em anyway!

When we were done fishing, we said goodbye to Captain Pete and went back to doing our thing. Around midnight, after TR and Staci were passed out drunk in their rooms and I was knocked out on the couch, I was startled awake by someone standing above me.

“Who the fuck is that?” I screamed.

“It’s me, Pete.”


“Captain Pete.”

“What the fuck are you doing in our house?”

“I need your help finding a CD in Pepper’s car. It’s really important.”

So I got up and walked barefoot down the broken shell driveway with Pete over to Pepper’s car.

“Want some cocaine?” he asked.

“Dude, you just woke me from a deep drunk sleep, what makes you think I want some coke?”

“You could have just said no,” Pete replied as he rummaged through Pepper’s car.

“Hey, does he he know you’re going through his car?”

“Of course. This is important.”

And so I stood there not really knowing why I was needed as Pete tore up the inside of the truck looking for the important CD in the middle of the night.

“Damn!” he finally shouted. “I really wanted to listen to some Tupac!”

“WHAT?!” I screamed. “You got me up to help you find a fucking rap CD? I’m fucking out of here!” And I went back inside, locked the door for the first time ever in Nantucket history and went back to bed.

When Pepper heard about Pete walking into his tenant’s house in the middle of the night it was made clear that Pete cannot come back while we’re still staying there.

But he did. One night about a week later, fucked up on coke and drunk. He told Staci he had a turtle shell for her and for her to follow him. But I sensed foul play, as did Staci, so she proceeded with extreme caution.

Well, there was a turtle shell, but it wasn’t for her. Instead, this:

Pete: Staci, I got a bunch of girls waiting on my boat right now. You should come and meet them.

Staci: Huh?

Pete: Yeah, they wanna meet you. But just you, okay?

Staci: I ain’t going anywhere alone with you. Sorry.

And although Staci needs no rescuing, I made my way over to them and whisked her away from his plans of boat rape under the stars or whatever he had in mind.

Days later we find the truth about Captain Pete: His family is loaded, their house worth like $4 million. Pete was kicked out for two reasons. 1) He committed a crime in Minnesota where he went to college, and couldn’t return until doing some jail time. Instead of doing this, he chose to just live in his truck and fish. And 2) Captain Pete was no captain, having his license revoked months before for flipping his boat and breaking the jaw of some woman paying him to take her and her family out fishing. He was the laughing stock of Nantucket. He traded fishing for drugs, porn or whatever else people had laying around.

And that is the tale of Captain Pete.

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