Indeed my comments on your newly-cropped mane might have sounded rather homosexual in nature, yet I couldn’t help but admiring your new and improved bright, clean-cut look. And, even though I found myself fighting back a melancholic tear as I reminisced about your long-gone cherubic golden locks, I still found you stunningly attractive. Please understand that men in Italy are just as passionate about soccer and pasta as they are about bonding with their male friends, and I can guarantee you that there is absolutely no gayness involved. I say that only because I noticed that you stiffened a bit when I grabbed your perfectly round buttocks, and I must assure you I did it only as a sign of deep friendship and admiration. So, Scott, please forgive me if I mislead you into thinking I had any sexual interest in you. Just because I slipped a tiny bit of tongue in your mouth while saying goodbye doesn’t mean I carry a fistful of rainbows in my pocket.
In totally unrelated news, Sunny Lane and myself were just interviewed for the Geraldo At Large show. It airs tomorrow on FOX.
All my best,