Fayner Posts: I know most of you hate me, but you gotta atleast give me props for some of my juicy gossip pieces lately: TheRealLukeFord having bruises and looking like a porner tried to rape him, Dez modeling for gay phone chat line ads and well, I know there were some more in there somewhere but I’m too high on my high-horse right now to care…
So I was calling my old buddy "I have a tattoo of two blurry rocks" in Nantucket to let him know Taylor and I are headed that way next week and to set up a day for us to go out fishing for tuna while we’re there.
"They’re pretty booked up," he said. "It’s like a two-week advance."
"Listen," I shot back, "go down to the dock and scream that a famous porno star is coming next week and wants to go fishing naked. I’m sure one of them will be calling J.T. Pennypincher with the news that his fishing trip reservation has been lost and there’s no way to reschedule. Fishing guys rarely see women, let alone porno chicks. Oh yeah, and free porno for everyone! Try it."
"You got it!" he replied. "Oh, check this one out: Mike Tyson came here last week on a yacht. He was partying it up with all the locals. My drinking buddy even scored him an eighth of weed! But after his two-day bender he was all of a sudden gone."
"Wow. Great story."
"Fuck off! Listen! Tyson skipped out on the $5,500 boat docking charge and gave a fake credit card number with the guy! He left in the middle of the night so he wouldn’t get caught not paying!"
"That’s awesome," I yelled. "But seriously, who is gonna run after a drunk and stoned Mike Tyson demanding that he give you money? I would have taken the loss."
I hung up on him.