Fayner Posts: Dez and Alaura are shooting some top secret porno today in a top secret location. In order to get everyone there on time, Michelle Avanti had to come over last night and spend the night at our place. It was the first time I ever met her.
As soon as she walked through the door, I could tell she was an addict. But what was her poison, I asked myself. I wasn’t sure.
Over the course of the evening, I examined Michelle’s actions and pretty much weeded out all the mainstream drugs knowing what I do about drugs and the effects they have on a person.
Just when I was planning on giving up and just asking her what drug she’s hooked on, Michelle asked Alaura for her car keys so she could get “something” from her suitcase.
She’s getting her medicine bag, I thought. Now I’ll get to the bottom of this.
Michelle returns with a big plastic bag filled with something yellow. Vicodin? Bad speed? Frozen dog piss chopped into fine crystals?
Michelle Avanti is addicted to eating lemons. With salt on them. Her habit’s got her gobbling down two fat ones a day. She says she can’t fall asleep without one.
But she’s not hurting anyone, right? I mean, what fruit a person chooses to put in their body is their own choice, not ours. And until the FDA or the DEA smartens up and classifies lemons as a Class A drug, the sad thing to report is that lemon eating is 100% legal thoughout the world.
Shyla Stylez doesn’t see it that way.
“Michelle clearly has a problem,” Shyla tells me over the phone. “She doesn’t see it ’cause she’s always high. She leaves her discarded peels all over the house. Every door knob is sticky. It’s becoming unbearable to be around her.”
“Kick her junkie ass out!” I shot back. “She’s too far in to save.”
“I thought about that, I did, but she always tells me that if I ever make her leave she’ll find the nearest lemon tree and, well, you know the rest. I couldn’t handle a lemon-related overdose.”
“What about rehab?” I asked.
“Again, I thought of that. But the Overeaters don’t consider what she does as eating, and the narcotic people don’t classify lemons as a drug. Nobody wants to touch this with a ten foot pole.”
“Oh, I’d touch her ass with my four inch crooked pole!” I blurted out.
“Now that isn’t helping anyone, now is it?”
Anyone who thinks they can help Michelle with her problem please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org