Fayner Posts: Not many people know this, but in Junior High I was given the "Peter Pan" award for my dedication to remaining young. Sure, it seems gay that I was pretty much still a boy at the time despite becoming a man within my Jewish faith, but I know look back at that award and think about how on the money whoever gave it to me was considering my fear of commitment, responsibility and becoming that old guy at the party struggling to keep up with the young kids and their hearty appetite for drugs and sex and mayhem, never realizing that part of life is growing up and ditching the trouble and providing a sweet future for your kids.

That’s not to say I haven’t curbed my consumption of cocaine in the last year, ’cause I have. And it bothers me. I believe blow acts as the Grendal to my Beowulf, the Itchy to my Scratchy, the Nazi to my Indiana Jones. I feel content snorting a few lines and battling my intellect by writing. It just feels right to me, as I’m sure it did to Sigmund Freud, Stephen King, Pope Leo XIII and Stevie Nicks.

You gotta be hooked on something, right?

So, here’s the deal: Dez and Staci (Alaura) are moving in with me into the house Keith and Taylor are kind enough to let me squat in. Both are sober. Both battle responsibility like adults.

The bad thing is, Dez is out to turn me into him.

1) He insists I start playing World of Warcraft with him 15 hours a day.

2) Dez is trying to get me to start working out daily and eating right.

3) Although he won’t say it, I know Dez is planning to halt my now once-a-week coke habit.

So one day I’m the guy you all know as the sniffling, coke-sweating freak who could die at any moment, and the next I’m a troll-trouncing gaming geek eating three square meals a day, pumping iron and never again tasting my sweet, sweet California Cornflakes again.

Is it fair? Let me know @ faynerpornbiz@hotmail.com

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