Fayner Posts: Ever since Jesse Jane and Rick Patrick got married and skipped off to Oklahoma last month no one has heard from them. And everyone has been worried about them. Well just her, actually, ‘cause every one was hoping Rick would get in some horrible lawnmower accident and have to spend years in rehab leaving Jesse available for a new man to come and sweep her off her sweet feet. I know I have, and Rick is one of my good friends. It just goes that way when the chick is so God-damn awesome to both talk to and look at. That’s hard to beat.

So no one has heard from Jesse Jane in some time now. I for one was getting worried.

That is, until this morning when she called me and woke me up from my much-needed beauty sleep.

“What’s up, Chicken Neck!” she screamed into the phone, or something to that nature.

“Jesse?” I asked, “Is that you? I was so worried about you. I kept getting your damn answering machine whenever I called. (the message went something like this: I’m exausted…sitting on the beach drinking all day looking at topless girls really wears you out. I think I need a vacation from my vacation. So leave a message and maybe I’ll get back to you.) Where have you been?

“Sorry,” Jesse said, “I didn’t mean to worry you. I’ve just been busy fucking my husband over and over and over and over. He’s sooooo good to fuck! Yeaahhhhhh!!!!!!”

“Get lost,” I hollered into the phone and hung up.

So anyone now wondering where Jesse Jane has been can be happy knowing she’s been busy fucking her husband over and over and over and over because he’s sooooo good to fuck! Yeaahhhhhh.

News like that makes getting out of bed to write this very difficult, muh more difficult than just watching a Jesse Jane movie and beating off. That is super easy, so easy in fact that that’s what I plan to do right now.

So go away, will you? I got things to do, places to go and people to meet in my imaginary world where Rick Patrick is in lawnmower rehab and Jesse Jane is all mine.

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