Interview with Dick Bandit!!!
TMFR: How was your year 2005?
Bandit: I never caught any squirrels, didn’t get laid cuz my balls were jacked, ate lots of good though, plus I have a hot mother who smokes great weed, so all in all it was a good year.
TMFR: Any expectations for 2006?
Bandit: More steak and more bitches.
TMFR: Lets go back to the beginning, what are your earliest memories?
Bandit: Well, I remember falling into a pool when I was just 6 weeks old, I was scared shitless and you were laughing your ass off at me!! Then I also remember you and Scottie getting my nuts chopped off and almost dying, that sucked! Then you fucked with my head by keeping my balls in a jar in the house and even bringing them to the Howard Stern Show, thankfully he didn’t take them and then I had the maid throw out the nut jar!
TMFR: Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!! So, what’s your favorite dog food?
Bandit: I have no fucking idea, I can’t read… I really like the circled shape stuff.
TMFR: What do you think of the my retirement?
Bandit: Well ma, I like it so far. You stay home more, you eat more, we snuggle a lot, you smoke more weed, you’re way less stressed, you don’t have any smelly hookers hanging around with you anymore (eventhough I enjoyed the aroma). So it’s cool, just keep it up.
TMFR: I haven’t left the business, I still direct, you like that?
Bandit: Ya that’s hot. I was never comfortable watching you have sex or listening to the noises you made, I felt awkward. But I like watching you direct, everyone feeds me and pets me, and they all talk to me like I’m a 2 year old, do they realize I can fucking understand them? Plus when you shoot, it means Nate’s gonna be around, that’s my dawg!
TMFR: You like the name Bandit?
Bandit: Well, I thought it was Dick Bandit… it’s hot, because the chicks dig it Plus having a hot pornstar for a mom gets me all the cho I need, eventhough I can’t do shit with it.
TMFR: You love being a dog don’t ya?
Bandit: Hell ya, I can lick my own ass and clean my own cock in public, lets see Lee Stone try that one.
TMFR: How did you become such a good boy, so civilized?
Bandit: Duh mom, you trained me.
TMFR: You like wearing the clothes I buy you?
Bandit: No it sucks, makes me look stupid, and everyone laughs at me!
TMFR: Anything else you hate?
Bandit: Ya, I hate when Scott gets cracked out. I hate that Nate is so cheap and turns the heat off constantly, and he cleans EVERYTHING. One minute I have a ball or a chew toy, then 2 minutes later he cleans up the room and I can’t find shit. I also hate when you take shits with me in the bathroom, I may be an animal, but that REALLY STINKS! I also hate when you write on my face.
TMFR: Do you wish I ever had a personal trainer for you?
Bandit: More rules? Fuck no, I’m cool. I’m just like you, I roll with it!!
TMFR: Favorite Director?
Bandit: Mike Adams, we bond!!
TMFR: Do you like it when I leave town?
Bandit: No, that sucks!! Everyone’s afraid of me when you’re not around, they lock me in rooms, no squirrels, no car rides, no pot smoke in my face!
TMFR: Your favorite girlfriend?
Bandit: Rhiannon and Jade Marcela
TMFR: What’s your favorite animal to chase… cat, squirrel or racoon?
Bandit: Huh? What’s the difference, they’re all squirrels to me.
TMFR: Why do you not like babies or little kids?
Bandit: I dunno, I don’t know what they are.
TMFR: Any questions for me?
Bandit: Oh ya, hold on let me get my pad!!
Bandit: Do you have sex doggystyle just to piss me off?
TMFR: Yes, duh, grow up!
Bandit: Why do you insist on calling me pignose?
TMFR: Because you have a little nose that looks like a pig nose.
Bandit: Why do you call me a good boy when I’m bad?
TMFR: Because you’ll always be my good boy!
Bandit: Are you really getting married?
TMFR: Yes, oh yes.
Bandit: Why don’t I get to go to the Laurel Canyon dog park anymore?
TMFR: Because I got a house where you have an acre of land, plus another house with a tennise court.
Bandit: Any chance of me scoring with any porn chicks?
TMFR: Maybe Tiffany Holiday, that’s about it.
Bandit: Why ween’t my ears clipped?
TMFR: Because if I did, you wouldn’t be a bandit!
Bandit: That’s a stupid answer!
TMFR: Fuck you!
Bandit: Will you ever learn how to drive?
TMFR: I’m an awesome driver fuck you.
Bandit: I’m a dog with sensitive ears, must you blast the music when we drive places.
TMFR: Oopsies, my bad!
Bandit: The fucking bass kills me! I’m dizzy
TMFR: Sorry dawg.
Bandit: You don’t get me high that much anymore, why come?
TMFR: What now?
Bandit: Why can’t I eat frisbies anymore?
TMFR: Because you puke them up the next day!
TMFR: Ok, enough, THIS IS BORING ME NOW, I gotta smoke
Bandit: Cool, love ya mom!