Interview with Dick Bandit!!!

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TMFR: How was your year 2005?

Bandit: I never caught any squirrels, didn’t get laid cuz my balls were jacked, ate lots of good though, plus I have a hot mother who smokes great weed, so all in all it was a good year.

TMFR: Any expectations for 2006?

Bandit: More steak and more bitches.

TMFR: Lets go back to the beginning, what are your earliest memories?

Bandit: Well, I remember falling into a pool when I was just 6 weeks old, I was scared shitless and you were laughing your ass off at me!! Then I also remember you and Scottie getting my nuts chopped off and almost dying, that sucked! Then you fucked with my head by keeping my balls in a jar in the house and even bringing them to the Howard Stern Show, thankfully he didn’t take them and then I had the maid throw out the nut jar!

TMFR: Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!! So, what’s your favorite dog food?
Bandit: I have no fucking idea, I can’t read… I really like the circled shape stuff.

TMFR: What do you think of the my retirement?

Bandit: Well ma, I like it so far. You stay home more, you eat more, we snuggle a lot, you smoke more weed, you’re way less stressed, you don’t have any smelly hookers hanging around with you anymore (eventhough I enjoyed the aroma). So it’s cool, just keep it up.

TMFR: I haven’t left the business, I still direct, you like that?

Bandit: Ya that’s hot. I was never comfortable watching you have sex or listening to the noises you made, I felt awkward. But I like watching you direct, everyone feeds me and pets me, and they all talk to me like I’m a 2 year old, do they realize I can fucking understand them? Plus when you shoot, it means Nate’s gonna be around, that’s my dawg!

TMFR: You like the name Bandit?

Bandit: Well, I thought it was Dick Bandit… it’s hot, because the chicks dig it Plus having a hot pornstar for a mom gets me all the cho I need, eventhough I can’t do shit with it.

TMFR: You love being a dog don’t ya?

Bandit: Hell ya, I can lick my own ass and clean my own cock in public, lets see Lee Stone try that one.

TMFR: How did you become such a good boy, so civilized?

Bandit: Duh mom, you trained me.

TMFR: You like wearing the clothes I buy you?

Bandit: No it sucks, makes me look stupid, and everyone laughs at me!

TMFR: Anything else you hate?

Bandit: Ya, I hate when Scott gets cracked out. I hate that Nate is so cheap and turns the heat off constantly, and he cleans EVERYTHING. One minute I have a ball or a chew toy, then 2 minutes later he cleans up the room and I can’t find shit. I also hate when you take shits with me in the bathroom, I may be an animal, but that REALLY STINKS! I also hate when you write on my face.

TMFR: Do you wish I ever had a personal trainer for you?

Bandit: More rules? Fuck no, I’m cool. I’m just like you, I roll with it!!

TMFR: Favorite Director?

Bandit: Mike Adams, we bond!!

TMFR: Do you like it when I leave town?

Bandit: No, that sucks!! Everyone’s afraid of me when you’re not around, they lock me in rooms, no squirrels, no car rides, no pot smoke in my face!

TMFR: Your favorite girlfriend?
Bandit: Rhiannon and Jade Marcela

TMFR: What’s your favorite animal to chase… cat, squirrel or racoon?

Bandit: Huh? What’s the difference, they’re all squirrels to me.

TMFR: Why do you not like babies or little kids?

Bandit: I dunno, I don’t know what they are.

TMFR: Any questions for me?
Bandit: Oh ya, hold on let me get my pad!!

Bandit: Do you have sex doggystyle just to piss me off?

TMFR: Yes, duh, grow up!

Bandit: Why do you insist on calling me pignose?

TMFR: Because you have a little nose that looks like a pig nose.

Bandit: Why do you call me a good boy when I’m bad?
TMFR: Because you’ll always be my good boy!

Bandit: Are you really getting married?
TMFR: Yes, oh yes.

Bandit: Why don’t I get to go to the Laurel Canyon dog park anymore?
TMFR: Because I got a house where you have an acre of land, plus another house with a tennise court.

Bandit: Any chance of me scoring with any porn chicks?

TMFR: Maybe Tiffany Holiday, that’s about it.

Bandit: Why ween’t my ears clipped?

TMFR: Because if I did, you wouldn’t be a bandit!

Bandit: That’s a stupid answer!

TMFR: Fuck you!

Bandit: Will you ever learn how to drive?

TMFR: I’m an awesome driver fuck you.

Bandit: I’m a dog with sensitive ears, must you blast the music when we drive places.

TMFR: Oopsies, my bad!

Bandit: The fucking bass kills me! I’m dizzy

TMFR: Sorry dawg.

Bandit: You don’t get me high that much anymore, why come?

TMFR: What now?

Bandit: Why can’t I eat frisbies anymore?

TMFR: Because you puke them up the next day!

TMFR: Ok, enough, THIS IS BORING ME NOW, I gotta smoke

Bandit: Cool, love ya mom!

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