Conditions Worsening For Shit Storm “Kenny” Survivors Stranded At Metro; Widespread Looting, Kickbacks, And Harassment

Worst shit storm to hit San Fernando Valley since Shit Storm LFP slammed into VCA in 2003.

Tuesday September 6, 2005 Posted 4:10 AM EDT (0810 GMT) – Brad Watkins, Editor

Chatsworth, Ca – For survivors of Shit Storm Kenny, which slammed into Metro Video as a Category 4 Shit Storm, the worst is far from over. While most employees are thankful just to have jobs, their futures with the company are bleak and uncertain.

Stranded workers wondered up and down the halls of Metro, searching want ads and comforting each other in the wake of Kenny. The power of the shit storm caught many off guard.

“I told everybody I knew who still worked at that place to evacuate years ago, but honestly, nobody expected it to be this bad,” said former Metro accounts payable clerk Eric Fulton.

“By the time things got really bad it was too late, a lot of them didn’t even have resumes prepared. Even if they had, most couldn’t afford to have it photocopied or even pay postage after suffering for months without paychecks.”

“I barely survived Shit Storm Guarino back in ‘03. I swore I would never put myself or my family through something like that again. I got out, but sadly, these events often target the most desperate and vulnerable amongst us,” described Fulton.

Since devastating Metro, Shit Storm Kenny has been downgraded to an Ongoing Depression but is expected to regain strength over Lake Balboa and pummel Defiance Films as a Category 5 Shit Storm.

By Sunday the storm had officially claimed 7 jobs but that number is expected to rise dramatically as California’s Employment Development Department (EDD) begins its investigation and recovery effort.

The EDD plans to airlift job applications and unemployment checks to workers still trapped inside Metro.

“What is taking the government so long? People are dying here,” exclaimed Katie Hynes, Metro Art Department employee. “Conditions are horrible. The electricity is off, the phones are limited to local calls only, and today I found human feces in one of our scanners!”

Electrical power was later restored to the building after Southern California Edison received a payment.

Human excrement found inside computer equipment at the company is being blamed on disgruntled employee Gustavo Chavarria, Metro’s Head of Production.

“Sometimes shit storms bring out the worst in people,” said EDD spokesperson Randal Dunlap.

“A lot of the monetary aid we’re rushing into Metro is being looted, Chavarria is most likely the person responsible. There have been unconfirmed reports Gustavo is demanding kickbacks from the Salvation Army, FEMA, and Red Cross volunteers Bridgette and Skeeter Kerkove, it’s truly disgusting.”

Despite the lawlessness some Metro employees have emerged as heroes. Noel Bloom was promoted to Metro’s VP of Operations in part because of his gallant leadership in the aftermath of the disaster.

“There were reports Bloom had gathered his belongings and fled the building just before Kenny hit. While true, Bloom returned to the scene, offering hopeless employees letters of recommendation and references,” described Dunlap.

“Many wondered why Noel wasn’t called in sooner. He is an expert in post disaster recovery, having endured many shit storms throughout his career in the adult industry.”

Bloom gained national attention in the days following the March 11th 2005 LFP Black Tower layoffs in which nearly 3000 Hustler employees lost their jobs. He spent much of his 42 day tenure with the company consoling victims, before being fired himself.

Although one of the most tragic, Kenny isn’t the first catastrophic shit storm to hit Metro. Shit Storm Ken ripped through the company in May 2003. It was followed by Shit Storm Guarino in the fall of that same year. Only months later Category 3 Kenneth struck, knocking out nearly 4 jobs.

With Metro’s history of disastrous shit storms some are questioning if the corporation should even be rebuilt.

“It’s just not a safe place to work,” said Greg Alves, former Metro employee and owner of Zero Tolerance Video.

“I feel bad for everyone involved but Metro workers knew the risks associated with employment at a company that is below profit level.”

The most devastating San Fernando Valley shit storm ever recorded occurred in 2003 when Shit Storm LFP hit VCA without warning. It mercilessly pounded the company for almost two years before leaving all of VCA’s employees jobless.

Forecasters are now turning their attention to Ongoing Depression Larry churning just inside the Beverly Hills city limits. Computer models suggest it will become a powerful shit storm. Its projected path puts it on a collision course with Pulse Pictures.

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