Fayner Posts: Everyone remembers Kurt’s “last post ever”, his “goodbye” to the industry so to speak. It was an awesome read. I remember feeling so many emotions when I read it, recall tasting my lunch as it came up and out of my mouth and onto the floor. Yeah, it was that good.
And it is funny, ’cause for once Kurt kept his promise. He hasn’t written anything since then defending his awesomeness to the whole wide world of Kurt Fans. And don’t be fooled; they’re everywhere. One could find a Kurt Lockwood fan on every continent this planet has to offer. I’ve heard that many of his fans come from the lost city of Atlantis. No, really, it’s true.
And in a silly twist, someone claiming to be Kurt’s pregnant girlfriend has come forward to reveal that Kurt is a douche. Shocker.
I may be the only person not interested in Kurt sexually who thinks he’s not the biggest clown in Porntown. True be told, Kurt’s not the worst thing since unsliced bread. Sure, he loves himself too much and flips off the handle too easily when someone says anything bad about him, but c’mon, Kurt is an All-Star, right? He came, he saw, he came again and again and again and then left. It’s the American Dream, minus the getting fucked in the ass part.
My fondness for Kurt is why I’ve chosen to post his unborn child’s first message to the people of Earth, texted to me just this morning from inside the womb of some Spanish chick who carries the seed of a God: Kurt Lockwood.
It reads: HOW DARE ALL YOU HATERS SAY MY DADDY IS A JOKE, A FAG,A WASHED-UP QUEER! HE RULES! YOU ARE ALL JUST JEALOUS OF HIS FAME, HIS NICE CARS, HIS PILES OF CASH, ALL THE WOMEN HE’S SLEPT WITH AND THE FACT THAT HE COULD JUST WALK AWAY FROM ALL THE FAME, CARS, MONEY AND CHICKS. GIVE IT UP HATERS ‘CAUSE MY DADDY IS THE BEST! WHILE YOU’RE ALL HERE WISHING YOU WERE HIM AND WRITING BAD THINGS ABOUT HIM TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC LIVES, HE’S OUT THERE BANGING HOT CHICKS, SPENDING LOTS OF CASH AND BEING THE BEST KURT LOCKWOOD HE KNOWS HOW TO BE! MAYBE IN ANOTHER LIFE YOU’LL BE AS COOL AS MY DADDY KURT, BUT UNTIL THEN YOU’RE STUCK BEING YOUR LOSER SELVES. I FOR ONE FEEL BADLY FOR YOU. I LOVE KURT.