Sent in by RoadBull Via MySpace: VAN NUYS, CA (AP)- U.S. News and World Report’s January issue raised a few eyebrows when it proclaimed that Bestiality Porn Fluffer was least desirable profession of 2006. The issue, called US News’ 50 Worst Fucking Jobs, is one the most anticpiated guides released every year.
For readers who are not familiar with this profession, Webster’s New World Dictionary describes a Bestiality Porn Fluffer as “A person or persons who uses their mouth or mouths to make sure an animal’s penis or penises are erect before they engage in a sex a scene or scenes with a incredibly coked-up woman or women”.
“It was a tough vote”, revealed Mortimer Zuckerman, publisher of U.S. News. “I mean, there are so many shitty jobs out there Of course most of them don’t require a person to go down on a kangaroo.”
While Bestiality Fluffer seemed to be an obvious choice for the least hot job, many other awful professions were considered. Some of these included: Coffin Model, Enema Caddy, Avian Flu Salesman, Cannibal Hooker, Stem Cell Harvestee, Urethra Masseuse, Angelina Jolie’s Babysitter, NBC Head of Programming, and of course, U.S. Secretary of Defense, which was narrowly beaten out for the top nod.
Not everyone agrees however with U.S. News’s assessment. Meredith “Lipps” Davison has been fluffing for over 15 years and loves her work. Ms. Davison used to work in ‘human’ porno films, but eventually became bored.
“There wasn’t a lot of variety in the schlongs I was fluffing. Basically, it was either circumcised or uncircumcised. Now when I go to work I don’t know what’ I’ll be working with – African zebra, tiger shark, Peruvian Pelican, —it’s like a different exotic job every single day!”
Some fluffers aren’t as pleased with their situation. Teresa Montague, a 16-year veteran fluffer, shared her discontentment, “After Viagra, porn actors didn’t need to be “prepared” as much as they used to, so the fluffer job market really dried up. Do I like going down on an iguana before he suits up for an inter-species anal gangbang? No. But what I’m I going to do? I’ll blow the entire reptile kingdom before I work at Cinnabons again.”
US News’ Senior Editor Mark L. Pauley felt that while there were several factors used in deciding the winner, some carried more weight in the decision. “Obviously jobs with low pay, lack of benefits and long hours were factored in, but any job where you could accidentally possibly swallow a gallon of donkey spooge must be, in my book, pushed to the top of the list.” Pauley revealed
Can’t work without a fluffer
Because of their profession’s unseemly reputation, some animal fluffers prefer to keep a low profile. One fluffer, who wanted to remain anonymous for this article, says she keeps her profession secret from her family.
“My husband knows I fluff, but doesn’t know what particular type of porn movies I work on.” Mrs. X revealed. “Some days I’ll come home smelling of goat feces and my husband really interrogates me. I just lie and tell him I was working with Ron Jeremy that day.”
Some industry analysts however, feel the “Least Hot” stigma of animal fluffer could wane in a few years. Mitchell Sorensen of Career Workforce Career Search Agency Group Inc., one of the Northeast’s premier staffing organizations, echoes this sentiment.
“With a few exceptions, the animal population has been growing exponentially every year, which means that amount of animals working in porn will spike as well. This translates into a bigger market for bestiality porn, which translates into better pay and working conditions for animal fluffers. Even the really ugly ones.”
This trend, however, may be a few years away. Until then, fluffers like Ms. Montague may look for other lines of work.
“Last week I was blowing a mule and the fucker kicked me right in the head. I had to go to the goddam emergency room! That’s when I decided to post my resume on Hot Jobs.” Montague confessed.
Some fluffers, like Ms. X, feel there are plenty of opportunities for someone with her unique skills
“ I think PR or something in the legal field would be a natural move from fluffing.”