COCK FOR HIRE!! DRUNK JAMAICAN GUY IN NANTUCKET LOOKING FOR WORK FUCKING CHICKS ON FILM!!

Fayner Posts: First off, let me assure you that at this present moment as TR lays on a Nantucket beach practically naked with drunk, inbred monsters attempting to have their way with her young body I sit here eating cold French toast back at the house working and crying and thinking of things to write that at the very least will make you smile or cry or think or shoot heroin into your veins.

And I hate you for this.

Pretty much last night TR was down for the count. Tired, really. And full of pork tenderloin, too. The food, you sickos, not my cock. Geez…

But when TR heard that I was headed over someone’s house who has 14 bongs, she quickly jumped up and was ready to join the living.

To the story…My drunk buddy "Blurry Rocks" brought us to some bar where the people working like porno. Shocking!!!!!

I now pause to smoke half a joint. Bear with me

One guy in particular, a Jamaican, seemed quite fond of porno. He scooped up most of the DVDs we handed out and ran across the street to his place, and for some reason we followed. It could be how I like watching Jamaican guys beat off, I’m in no mood to discuss my problems right now.

Luckily there were other people there, so it was less awkward than I expected. The Jamaican guy bolted off to his room, and seconds later his sleeping Jamaican roommate appeared having just been kicked out for a little bit while his buddy jerked his jerky.

The Jamaican also liked porno.

“How can I do this?” he asked, holding up a Vivid DVD.

“What,” TR responded, “sell DVDs?”

“No, mon,” he shot back, “fuck the girls in the videos!”

“Listen,” I told him, “here’s what you do: Go find a whore and bring he back, then fuck her with all these people here watching.”

“Okay.”

“I’m not done,” I yelled. “Take this guy here and have him put his face right under your ball sac for about an hour. Okay, so fuck some whore with ten people watching and your balls resting on your friend’s forehead for over an hour. Can you do that?”

“Sure thing, mon!”

“Fine! Take it out then!”

And as he began undressing TR and I left post haste.

TR GOES SCOUTING FOR NEW TALENT

Fayner Posts: So we’re sitting on the beach stoned when the backside of some chick catches TR’s eyes.

“She’s got a great ass for porno!”

So I look. All I see is a 12 year old girl who would have a great ass for porno if she was six years older.

“That 12 year old girl?” I said loudly enough for the girl to hear, causing TR to become embarrassed. “That one right there? Great ass for porno? You think? Huh?””

“Shut up, dog!”

“No seriously, you want to hire that 12 year old for a porno?”

“Shut up, dog!”

Basically, I was trying to get even for the many times she had and will scream things like “Spunk in the trunk!” and “I love cock!” and the such late at night in our yard with my mother mere feet away. I don’t think it made a difference, but at least I had some fun.

FAYNER’S MOTHER A CRACKHEAD!!

Fayner Posts: We rented a house this year from my mother’s friend, a friend we found out enjoys smoking pot. Grass, they call it.

TR gave her a nice bud of whatever Kush she had, to which my mother’s friend proceeded to drop it in the dark backyard ground.  Soon her and my mother were on their hands and knees looking for the bud.

“You look like fucking crackheads!!” I yelled. “Sit down and relax! Oh, wait, there’s a speck!”

They both looked to where I was pointing.

“See? Fucking crackheads….”

BUSH TEAM MOBILIZES IN FORCE!!

During this time of crisis, the Bush Administration has finally decided to act, and act strong. Junior has even gone so far as to enlist Senior to aid in the relief effort. And both of them have decided to roll up their sleeves and personally take part in the effort to clean up the heaviest hit areas.

You MUST be kidding me!!!!!!!

LF.COM UNSYMPATHETIC? SAY IT AIN’T SO…

Hi Scott,

I’ve been watching the News of the Floods in New Orleans and like most people outside the US was shocked at how the US Govt could just stand around and watch as other Americans suffered. It made no sense! Then I saw your site with jokes about the Metro porn company using flood victim pictures (maybe this was a TMFR post – i don’t know) but  my point is that I now know why the Govt took so long to respond – it’s because the people of the US don’t care about their poor either. This crisis is barely a week old and you or TMFR are already making jokes about it. I didn’t see jokes like this on your site after 9/11 when all those bankers were dying.
I’ve supported you in the past because I thought you were a liberal guy who didn’t go in for this reactionary crap. if all this was TMFR and not you – please sit her down and explain that those images on the TV weren’t the latest reality game show – My big fat obnoxious drowning family!!
would like a comment on this
Simon  

Fayner Says:
I had no clue about this until you mentioned it to me, so one can assume I did not write it. Whoever did, TR or one of her slaves perhaps, they did so not out of disrespect but to maybe lighten the mood a bit following such a horrible event.  I believe Metro just could be in worse shape than New Orleans,  however, and for one find the story a bit funny.
but…
The government here sucks for one, not caring about the poor and two, not caring about the poor. But we all know that already…

COMING THIS WEEK – A LF EXCLUSIVE

Coming up this week… we’re going to bring you an exclusive look inrto the future of the Adult Industry. Lukeford is going to introduce you to some of the people who are behind the scenes, working hard at changing the face of adult and bringing it more and more into mainstream. They’re young, they’re hungry, they’re intelligent, they smoke bowls all day and they LOVE the sex industry!!

First Up… probably the brightest of them all…. they call him "ASHER"

…… stay tuned!!!!!

SPEAKS FOR ITSELF: FROM PORNOHS.COM

Conditions Worsening For Shit Storm “Kenny” Survivors Stranded At Metro; Widespread Looting, Kickbacks, And Harassment

Worst shit storm to hit San Fernando Valley since Shit Storm LFP slammed into VCA in 2003.

Tuesday September 6, 2005 Posted 4:10 AM EDT (0810 GMT) – Brad Watkins, Editor

Chatsworth, Ca – For survivors of Shit Storm Kenny, which slammed into Metro Video as a Category 4 Shit Storm, the worst is far from over. While most employees are thankful just to have jobs, their futures with the company are bleak and uncertain.

Stranded workers wondered up and down the halls of Metro, searching want ads and comforting each other in the wake of Kenny. The power of the shit storm caught many off guard.

“I told everybody I knew who still worked at that place to evacuate years ago, but honestly, nobody expected it to be this bad,” said former Metro accounts payable clerk Eric Fulton.

“By the time things got really bad it was too late, a lot of them didn’t even have resumes prepared. Even if they had, most couldn’t afford to have it photocopied or even pay postage after suffering for months without paychecks.”

“I barely survived Shit Storm Guarino back in ‘03. I swore I would never put myself or my family through something like that again. I got out, but sadly, these events often target the most desperate and vulnerable amongst us,” described Fulton.

Since devastating Metro, Shit Storm Kenny has been downgraded to an Ongoing Depression but is expected to regain strength over Lake Balboa and pummel Defiance Films as a Category 5 Shit Storm.

By Sunday the storm had officially claimed 7 jobs but that number is expected to rise dramatically as California’s Employment Development Department (EDD) begins its investigation and recovery effort.

The EDD plans to airlift job applications and unemployment checks to workers still trapped inside Metro.

“What is taking the government so long? People are dying here,” exclaimed Katie Hynes, Metro Art Department employee. “Conditions are horrible. The electricity is off, the phones are limited to local calls only, and today I found human feces in one of our scanners!”

Electrical power was later restored to the building after Southern California Edison received a payment.

Human excrement found inside computer equipment at the company is being blamed on disgruntled employee Gustavo Chavarria, Metro’s Head of Production.

“Sometimes shit storms bring out the worst in people,” said EDD spokesperson Randal Dunlap.

“A lot of the monetary aid we’re rushing into Metro is being looted, Chavarria is most likely the person responsible. There have been unconfirmed reports Gustavo is demanding kickbacks from the Salvation Army, FEMA, and Red Cross volunteers Bridgette and Skeeter Kerkove, it’s truly disgusting.”

Despite the lawlessness some Metro employees have emerged as heroes. Noel Bloom was promoted to Metro’s VP of Operations in part because of his gallant leadership in the aftermath of the disaster.

“There were reports Bloom had gathered his belongings and fled the building just before Kenny hit. While true, Bloom returned to the scene, offering hopeless employees letters of recommendation and references,” described Dunlap.

“Many wondered why Noel wasn’t called in sooner. He is an expert in post disaster recovery, having endured many shit storms throughout his career in the adult industry.”

Bloom gained national attention in the days following the March 11th 2005 LFP Black Tower layoffs in which nearly 3000 Hustler employees lost their jobs. He spent much of his 42 day tenure with the company consoling victims, before being fired himself.

Although one of the most tragic, Kenny isn’t the first catastrophic shit storm to hit Metro. Shit Storm Ken ripped through the company in May 2003. It was followed by Shit Storm Guarino in the fall of that same year. Only months later Category 3 Kenneth struck, knocking out nearly 4 jobs.

With Metro’s history of disastrous shit storms some are questioning if the corporation should even be rebuilt.

“It’s just not a safe place to work,” said Greg Alves, former Metro employee and owner of Zero Tolerance Video.

“I feel bad for everyone involved but Metro workers knew the risks associated with employment at a company that is below profit level.”

The most devastating San Fernando Valley shit storm ever recorded occurred in 2003 when Shit Storm LFP hit VCA without warning. It mercilessly pounded the company for almost two years before leaving all of VCA’s employees jobless.

Forecasters are now turning their attention to Ongoing Depression Larry churning just inside the Beverly Hills city limits. Computer models suggest it will become a powerful shit storm. Its projected path puts it on a collision course with Pulse Pictures.