WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD TIMES GONE????

Fayner Posts: Flash back, if you will, about a week and a half to Tony Testicle’s suite in Vegas that I and many other people chose to call homebase. Thanks again, Tony.

It was like four in the morning on Sunday. Dez was snorting all the coke. Robbye Bentley had snuck in and was yapping away about how great she is as a photographer. I was restless.

“We need to call some whores!” I hollered.

No one responded with enthusiasm.

“Listen,” I continued, “we can sit here all night powering up this whole damn hotel with our jaw movement, or we can call some fucking porno whores and get them up here to be our toys!”

Again, no one seemed interested.

Was I alone in my desire to use porno chicks as they were intended to be used by the great hand of GOD?

I think so.

So I got on the phone and began dialing whores.

Ariana Jollee – answering machine

Missy Monroe – no answer

Avy Lee Roth – straight to voice mail

The list goes on…

It’s a damn crying shame times two divided by six add seventeen when porno chicks are too good to come to a room inhabited by deviant sloths in the middle of the night and be treated just as they are expected to be treated.

I really wanted to make one of them into a coke table (ie: a whore who walks around on all fours with a pile of cocaine on her back for the enjoyment of everyone else, a game invented and perfected by the great and powerful Mystery Cock). Instead we had to use a fucking mirror.

A fucking mirror?!! To snort coke?! What the fuck is going on here!

I even tried hiding my incoming phone number while dialing up whores in case they were all just avoiding me, as Tony suggested, but no dice.

Sorry to disappoint all you porno fans who actually think these chicks are fun and easy and willing to be exploited for the fun of a hack writer and his late-night kicks, but today’s porno chick don’t play that game anymore. They want money for their time. They want to not be used as a coke table. They want respect.

Where have all the good times gone???

My guess is to the bank.

Damn.

THE FINAL STRAW

Fayner Posts: Getting a quick coffee yesterday with Stephany of HOTWAX who does makeup for the porno business. Neither of us got coffee. We just chatted for a bit.

“You look fucking exhausted!” I told her.

“You think? I haven’t had a day off since Vegas.”

“You work too much. Maybe you should cut down on your clients.”

“I did!” Stephany shot out. “I used to work for anyone. Everyone, really. Then one day on a Platinum X set for John Strong this chick shows up.”

“A chick, really? Whatever did you do??”

“Fuck off, Fayner. I was getting to that.”

“Sorry.”

“Well, this chick was fat and had no top teeth. I did all I could with her, you know? But she still didn’t look right.”

“The missing teeth?”

“Yeah, the missing teeth. How can you make a chick with no top teeth look ready to shoot a porno, I thought. Well, you can’t.”

“Was that the final straw?” I inquired.

“Oh, yeah. Now I only work for Jonni Darkko, Robby D and another company. No surprizes, no drama….”

“And no missing row of teeth?”

“Exactly.”

DUTCH SOAP-OPERA BASED ON PORNO CHICK CANCELLED AFTER JUST TWO EPISODES

IT WASN’T BECAUSE OF BAD RATINGS. APPARENTLY FOLKS DON’T WANT PORNO DRAMA ON THEIR FAMILY-ORIENTED CHANNELS…

 

FROM http://www.waveguide.co.uk A Dutch docu-soap based on the daily life of porn star Kim Holland, Op z’n Hollands (The Dutch Way), has been axed after just two episodes by television network Talpa.

A Talpa spokesman said the show has been pulled off air not because of bad ratings, but because it had been deemed unsuitable for the family channel on which it was being aired.

Production company Eyeworks said it was flabbergasted by the decision as Talpa was closely involved with the format of the programme.

For her part, the show’s star Holland also expressed surprise. “Maybe Talpa does not know what to do anymore to get high ratings,” she suggested in an interview in the Dutch press.

The porn queen expressed the hope that her show would be picked up by another channel in the Netherlands. Op z’n Hollands, in which Holland gives viewers sexual advice based on her own experience, was originally set for eight episodes.

HOW WAS I BORN? WHAT THE HELL!!!!

Junior asks his dad, “Daddy, how was I born?”

His dad sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I knew that you would ask this some
day.”

“Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.”

“Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: ‘You’ve Got Male’.”

OFF TO A WICKED SET

Fayner Posts: Nathan volunteered my amazing services on Stormy’s set today, so I guess I have to go. He even came in my room and woke me up earlier, asked if I was ready.

Guess what? I wasn’t.

But I will be soon, after I go get coffee with Stephany of HotWax Cosmetics (the chick that makes even ugly skanks look good on camera) and play with Rhiannon for a while.

The whores will be there when I get there. They always are.

I’ll report back later about my day on set. Hold your breath.

PORNSTAR OF THE WEEK…. ROXY JEZEL

She’s not just a Kendra Jade lookalike, but she has the fiire of Gauge, but she the cute side just as the girl next door. ROXY JEZEL is the definition of hot. She does it all and she does it with a smile. She’s all natural, she’s beautiful and plain old fucking sexy as hell.

This weeks Pornstar of the Week…. ROXY JEZEL from LA Direct Models

Hometown: London, England
Ethnicity: Caucasian/Thai
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Brown
Tattoos: Right Shoulderblade
Piercings: Left Nipple
Measurements: 32B-24-32
Birthday: June 5, 1982

She’s an exotic-looking beauty of British-Thai decent, and fans just can’t get enough. Roxy Jezel’s petite 32B-24-32 frame, her flowing dark hair, her model-esque facial features and her highly alluring eyes ensure that this is one porn star who will be getting plenty of work for a long time.

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THE LAST STORY ABOUT TRAVIS WE SWEAR PART 87

Fayner Posts: Travis has become a press hound as of late. He’s caught a taste of the HighLife, and he likes it. Loves it, we dare say.

And who can blame him? HIs name is splashed across this fine web site daily, his persona already a paradox of illusion and intrigue (does that even make sense??)

He’s become popular. A man of mystery and excitement. Everywhere he goes, people wanna know…

“Are you really dating Vanity?”

“Do you feel gay when you suck off Vanity?”

“Does Vanity keep an extra jar of boob creme at your place?”

It’s enough to make the most humble of men gleam with ego.

So here is the final Travis story for a while ’cause we fear he’s getting a bit too big for his britches.

We were driving back from Tyler’s earlier, back on Topanga following a quick 7 11 stop for Slurpees that almost left us dead as some tweaked out dude and the cashier began arguing heavily over $5 and Travis got us involved by wearing a Diabolic sweatshirt which sparked the tweaker’s brain into declaring his best friend does the duplication or whatever for Diabolic and Travis says cool and we’re on the road and this car full of what must have been 10th grade chicks pulls up beside us and blow us kisses and the one in the back makes the tongue moving around sexy look and Travis gets all excited.

At the next light Travis pulls up beside them and rolls down the window.

“Hi there ladies,” he says, then raises his Slurpee and nods to them.

“Are you trying to act cool with girls using a Slurpee?” I asked.

Luckily the light turned green.

“Hey,” Travis instructed me, “when I pull up beside them, start taking pictures with your phone of them. Maybe they’ll flash us!”

“But my phone doesn’t have a camera!” I shot back. “Plus, you know, they’re like 15!”

“Who cares! Just pretend to take pictures! Boobs!”

I feared for my life and did as instructed. There was no boob display.

Later – yeah it’s a long fucking drive – Travis again pulls up beside them and sees them smoking a bowl. He digs into his pocket and reveals his bag of weed.

Travis then waves it out the window.

“What are you doing?” I screamed. “Luring underage chicks with marijuana is looked down upon, and I for one want no part of this travesty of Justice! Let me out!!!!”

“Wait a second!” he hollered. “I’m gonna take a right here and they’re gonna follow us! Watch! Boobies!”

We took the next right. The car full of tenage girls kept driving.

“Now do you fel better about yourself?” I asked. “We’ve now been blown off by teenage girls.”

Travis began barking at me like a mad man. “No way, Man! They wanted us! They’re turning around! Watch! Just like that 80 year old a Jerry’s who wanted me! They all want me! Argggg!”

They never came.

And to end this tale on a high note, and to include a porno chick so that you get your moneys worth, we saw who Travis claimed to be Tayrn Thomas at Jerry’s the other morning wearing heels with her morning outfit. Hooker heels. Gotta love them porno chicks.

Sorry for everything.

WHATS UP WITH HOLIDAYS?

WHY DO HAVE ALL THESE FUCKIN HOLIDAYS???

EASTER, VALENTINES DAY, HALLOWEEN, THANKSGIVING, MARTIN LUTHER DAY, LABOR DAY, VETRANS DAY, PRESIDENTS DAY, FOURTH OF JULY, CHRISTMAS, HANKUAK AND CHRISTMAKUK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST, ALL OF THESE HOLIDAYS ARE REASONS TO HAVE A DAY OF AT SCHOOL OR HAVING A DAY OFF AT WORK. WE ALL KNOW WE DON’T REALLY NEED THEM.

HOLLER

IS MALE PERFORMER TRENT TESORO REALLY DEAD?

WE GET ONE STEP CLOSER TO FINDING OUT THE SHOCKING TRUTH!!

 

 

 

 

Fayner Posts: Up until this morning I was under the assumption that Trent Tesoso had once again fought off his destiny and ran back to Texas with his girl to quit the business and open up a restaurant.

 

 

I was quite wrong.

 

 

Today I hear that Trent is dead. I call. His machine picks up.

 

 

“Hello, you have reached Trent Tesoro, super porno star stud. The rumors about my death are true, I’m sorry to say. However, the good news is I was so hopped-up on Viagra at the time of my demise my fabulous penis will still be available for work through about the 20th of January. Leave a message and someone will get back to you. I love you all!”

 

 

So, sadly, Trent is gone. We will certainly forget him. His penis, though, will remain stitched in our hearts forever.