WHAT’S THAT SMELL????

This was a letter posted in a San Francisco Magazine called Craig’s list.  The subject is a little foul but I could not stop laughing, enjoy!!

Dear person in the Islanders Restaurant bathroom, While I don’t make a habit of calling people out on their movements I need to put this one out there. YOU SIR, need to start each and every day with a bran muffin. Do you have the bird flu? In 26 years on this planet I have never heard, heard of, had or otherwise experienced as violent a shit as you took in the Islanders bathroom. It sounded like you were pouring out a 5 gallon bucket of ice water from 10 feet above
the toilet. My ears have never heard so horrific a sound as your liquid fecal being fired downward
between pockets of pressurized methane gas.

I was only there to wash my hands  before eating my lunch…but my appetite was foiled by your
ass-disaster. Moaning and wheezing in your stall while wave after wave of dysentery ran from your bowels.

What had you consumed?! Raw chicken, 2 bowls of chili, 1 bottle Ex-Lax and a gallon of milk? You single handedly ruined every molecule of oxygen in the room. 30 minutes later back at work it still seemed like someone had wiped a log of shit under my nose.

DCYPHER’S WONDERLAND GARNERS 4 1/2 A’S FROM AVN

TITLE: WONDERLAND
GENRE: FEATURE
DIRECTOR: DCYPHER
CAST: Violet Blue, Charlie Laine, Trina Michaels, Candy Summers, Katie Morgan, Steven St. Croix, Herschel Savage, Evan Stone, Eric Masterson, James Deen, Kris Knight, George Kaplan

STUDIO: CAL VISTA / METRO INTERACTIVE
RUNTIME: 112 MINUTES
RATING: AAAA 1/2

A new love or new lust is a second chance, a door that opens places in your heart that you had shut away. It’s very like a drug – addictive and potentially lethal, but the right drug at the right time can cure one of the ills that matter. That change can rip a person into a new, whole thing, and director D. Cypher captures that life shift brilliantly here.For family man/office drone Steven St. Croix, that lust/love arrives in the form of nubile temptress/hustler Violet Blue. St. Croix is in an ideal marriage to busty Katie Morgan, but he thwarts that by imagining her cheating on him in the vid’s hottest moments, with Evan Stone banging Morgan hard.

St. Croix’s daughter Candy Summers brings Blue into his life – she’s a roommate from college left alone for the holidays. Blue’s also a girl who turns tricks with older men, such as Herschel Savage, who wants her to call him daddy and brush her hair after their fuck. Nice and pervy.

St. Croix’s journey to his life-shattering girl is a compelling one, and in his opening fuck with Blue he is very vocal; he releases out loud and into her all of the fantasies he’s feared having.

Cypher leaves doubt in the viewer’s mind what the true turn of events is between the star-crossed fuckers, which is fair since any true lust is up for interpretation, between the parties involved, anyway. Whether what St. Croix had with his Shakespeare-quoting temptress was true or not, it was most definitely worth it for the feelings it brought back into his life and for the fine load bustin’ that occurred.

Barely legal girls are clearly the vehicle for freedom, so retailers should be aware of that for stocking purposes – oh yeah, it’s got that appeal in spades. Fans of the young girl genre have a great plot-based feature to hang their heart on with this.

Pre-noms: Best Video Feature, Best Director – Video to Cypher, Best Screenplay – Video to Cypher, Best Actor – Video to St. Croix, Best Actress – Video to Blue and Best Editing – Video to Sammy Slater.

Retailing: Your feature section – it’s not for every couple – recommend this with Cypher’s other excellent Metro feature, Prisoner.

 

I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING BRILLIANT!!!

TMFR WRITES:

Scott Fayner is a huge scumbag!!!! He is not your clean cut typical LA WANABEE!

He actually claims to be a “ROCKSTAR”! So I guess you can consider him LA! ROCKSTARS WILL DO ANYTHING FOR CASH OR DRUGS OR FOR THE FUCK OF IT!

The fuckin point is I actually thought of a genius idea for Scott Fayner! He doesnt do jack shit during the day expect sleep, play with the dogs, make grilled cheese sandwiches, get HIGH and proably jacks off at some point of the day!

I thought why the fuck not, lets go put Scott Fayner on the streets as a BUM!!! He already acts like one and he complains that he’s bored. Lukeford is putting him to work!!!!

We have signs made! Like for instance “WILL WORK FOR COKE”, “GIVE SEXUAL FAVORS FOR SOME CASH OR CHECK OR DRUGS”, “WILL SUCK COCK FOR THE FUCK OFF IT”, “NEED CASH TO FEED MY DOG” AND MORE TO COME!!!!!

I plan to first put him at the Coffe Bean and Jerrys deli on Topanga and Ventura!!! Thats the cool porn hang out for lunch!

Next spot will be at Fallbrook and Ventura where all the beeners hang out all day begging for work!!! We will just give the beeners free porn and they will be happy!!!!

Then we will roll out to topanga and Lassen to Country Deli so he can get hand outs from porn directors and owners of porn companys.

The first date will be on Feb.24 on Friday! He will be at Jerrys deli 12-1pm, Country Deli 2-4pm, and 7-eleven 4:20 till 5!!!!

Mondays schedule will be posted soon!!!!

P.S:Scott Fayner will be wearing a green robe with slippers!!!! Hes not very hard to miss!!! I will be there too!!! Just to laugh at him and to take some pics!!!! HOLLER 420!

Peace out!

TMFR

OWNER, WRITER AND EDITOR

MISSY MONROE INTERVIEW!!!!

TMFR WRITES:

Interview with Missy:

TR: First question!!!!

MM: Geting nervous!!!

TR: Don’t be!How big are those real tits???

MM: 34DD

TR: Do you get a lot of attention because of your tits?

MM: DUH!!!!!!

TR: Do they hurt when they flop during sex?

MM: Not really. Only when they get slapped!!! I just did Slap Happy for Extreme and they are still sore and bruised.

TR: Oh I did Slap Happy back in the day! That shit sucked!

MM: Whatever it pays my bills!!!

TR: Who did you sign for at AVN this year?

MM: JM Productions. It was cool! Ashley Blue is a funny girl and fun to work with!

TR: Thats cool! You’re known for squirting, be fuckin real, isn’t that piss???

MM: First scene I did I squirted!!! I didnt really know what happened. I actually started crying cuz I didnt know what happened! After work I went home and called my mom and told her what happened. She said ” I squirt too! Its all good! Its totally natural!”

TR: Thats funny! You can just call your mom like that?

MM: Fuck ya!

TR: SWEET! What was your first movie in the biz?

MM: “Filthy First Timers 34”

TR: How long have you been in porn?

MM: Three years!

TR: What jobs did you have before porn?

MM: Subway, KFC, JC Pennys, Pizza places, etc……

TR: SWEET! You were in “Spunk in the Trunk“, How did you like working for me?

MM: It was easy, fun and I was really stoned on set! I squirted a lot too!!!! Remember I was your “ON TIME HOOKER”!

TR: OH YA! Thank you by the way!

MM: No problem!!

TR: Do you like ANAL sex better on or off camera?

MM: I JUST LIKE ANAL SEX!!! (said it with pride) Last week I just did a 6 guy gangbang with Jasmine Bryn! For Acid Rain!

TR: Do you like DP’s?

MM: I like them better than anal scenes!!

TR: Why because you get more cheese?

MM: No! MORE COCK!!!!

TR: Thats a good hooker! Next question! Who did you do your first DP with?

MM: It was with four guys! I was suppose to just do anal but I ended up doing two dicks at the same time. “No cum dodging allowed #3” for Mike Jon!

TR: Did you ever have sex with Scott Fayner for coke or press or just for the hell of it?

MM: NO WAY! Maybe if I was really fucked up!!!

TR: Do you like black dudes?

MM: Yes I do interacial! I have no problem with black dudes!!!

TR: Off camera have you fucked a black guy?

MM: Like twice!!! I had a black boyfriend when I was 16! I brought him to my 16th party and moms boyfriend left because he was racist!!!! 

TR: My dad would too! My father hates black guys!!! Thats why I dont do interacial!

TR: How did you get in the industry?

MM: Dancing at Cheetahs in Vegas and then they changed the laws. You had to be 21 or older to dance! Looked in the paper and seen NUDE PHOTOS FOR CASH! And gave them a call!

TR: What agents have you been with so far?

MM: Model gig, Cherry Modeling and Direct Models. I really just got a lot of work by myself. I never really needed a agent. I just got sick of the phone calls and extra work!!!

TR: Any warrants out for your arrest?

MM: No warrants but I just got a ticket for turning on a red light!

TR: Who are your enemies? Who do you hate in this business?

MM: I dont have any enemies and I dont hate anyone!!!! Im just a POTHEAD!!!

TR: WOW!! I have tons of enemies in this biz But I am trying not to hate anyone. Its bad for your health!!! 

TR: Any company owners or directors try to fuck you?

MM: Ya, VINCE VOUYER!

TR: You and every other girl!!! Did you ever sleep with Tim Connelly???

MM: No we are just friends that hang out!!!

TR: DO YOU SMOKE WEED?

MM: NO! NEVER! NOT ME! YES!!!

TR: Do you do any other drugs?

MM: Pills!!!!! Somas are my favorite!!!!

(more to come)

TMFR

OWNER, WRITER AND EDITOR

CINDY CRAWFORD CRIES FOUL

Fayner Posts: Looks like Cindy Crawford is the latest porno gal complaining about “webmaster” Kenny Knoll.

Word is she’s thinking about suing Knoll for $3,300 ‘cause he did a piss-poor job creating a web site (that’s a real loose term for what he did) for her, basically taking Aurora Snow’s site and just changing the top banner to say Cindy Crawford instead of Aurora Snow. Then she paid him an additional $300 to do some updates… NADA… and no return phone calls, nuthin!!

This is the same dumb fucker who filed a restraining order against 120 pound Scott Lyons!!

That’s pretty shady if you ask us.

And you did ask us.

So there.

We’ll keep you posted on the developments of this. We promise.

ANYONE else have any Knoll horror stories email them to webmaster@lukeford.com

TONY SEXTON: YOU’VE GOT CHARISMA!

Fayner Posts: How was I to know, huh?

Well now I do.

It appears that Eddie Charisma, the guy I wrote about yesterday who thinks his semen tastes awesome, is none other than Tony Sexton. He just changed his name.

I got three emails yesterday about Sexton/Charisma. I’m gonna share them with you.

“During the HIV work halt 2 years ago, Sexton, who was on the list, changed his fucking name and tried getting work. What a fucking douche!”

“I was working a blow bang that he was also doing a couple years ago. The chick ws made-up to be all young and shit, had a blow pop in her mouth while all the dudes popped in her face. When it was all over, Sexton went up to the girl and asked her for a rim job. She didn’t know what it was. ‘You stick that blow pop up my ass and lick at it!’ he said. She politely declined.”

“Who does that weirdo think he is boasting about the taste of his cum? Who does he think he is, Eddie and the Cruisers? (singing) On the dark side…”

MOTHER OF THE YEAR??

Fayner Posts: Went to Orange County with Taylor yesterday to see her little brother in the hospital. Rabies. It’s a bummer. No, actually he got a sinus infection. It’s also a bummer, mostly ‘cause he’s too young to get unlimited morphine for the unbearable pain.

Stopped at Taylor’s mothers house to pick her and her other brother up.

Taylor and mom were in the backyard smoking a joint. Her brother, only 6 years old, was playing video games in the living room. I was searching the house for a photograph of Taylor taken years ago with big glasses that I desperately want. Not finding it, I made my way out back to join the gals and the joint.

“Hey mom,” I said to Taylor‘s mommy, “you know that why you’re out here getting stoned your 6 year old son is inside playing Grand Theft Auto, right?”

“That’s okay,” she replied.

“It is?”

“Sure. I don’t like to shelter my kids.”

“Have you ever seen the game?”

“No, but how bad can it be??”

“Well,” I began, “there’s one mission, for instance, where you have to go and burn down fields of marijuana.”

“REALLY???!!!!”

“I guess I shouldn’t mention how you carjack and beat people with hammers and bats and fuck hookers.”

“No,” she said while puffing away on the joint, “you best keep that to yourself.”

Later, Taylor‘s mother was telling us about how she was at his school recently while the kids were doing picture association or some shit like that. The teacher would show a picture and the children would have to say what it is. I guess that ain’t exactly picture association but…

“So the teacher holds up a photo of a pipe, the kind an old man would smoke, and my son stands up and says “my mommy has one of those!” The teacher pretended not to hear him. I was so embarrassed!”

“You should be writing this down,” I jumped in, “cause from what I hear coming up with a good Mother of the Year speech is quite difficult.”

“Fuck you Scott. Just hand me the damn joint, will you?”