When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
FAYNER Posts: Playing phone tag with the stupendously sultry sex siren Jesse Jane makes me sad. I love that damn girl, but not in the “man I would love to douse her face with ball batter” way most men do. Well, not anymore. I used to though, but she’s the kind of chick that once you get to know her and spend time with her flying back from Vegas while sitting next to Mr. Belding from Saved By The Bell you forget how you desperately want to plow her from behind and just see her as the kick-ass Oklahoma Girl who’s goofy and loyal and a pleasure to be around for long periods of time.
So I finally got her on the phone today, as she was getting ready for bed at her home in Oklahoma, and had an unrecorded “interview” that went something like this…
FAYNER Just wanted to know if you’re freaking out yet about getting married to Rick Patrick in like a month and a half? I know that I was when Taylor and I got married. Sure, I ate a piece of pizza with crystal meth on it three hours before the ceremony, but at the time I thought we’d last longer than two months and had I eaten that week I’d of shit my pants in fear of what marriage brings.
JANE No, I’m not freaking out. I just want to get it over with already. It is a bit stressful, though, ‘cause we basically live 2000 miles apart from each other. I think I just need to get laid!
FAYNER Are you planning on sewing your wild oats one last time before taking the plunge?
JANE I would, but you’re good friends with Rick.
FAYNER I understand. But you can always pleasure yourself while thinking of me…
JANE Not today, ‘cause I already did it four times!
FAYNER You’re lying.
JANE No I’m not. I was real bored.
FAYNER Do you use toys or your fingers?
JANE Mostly just fingers. I did use my pink pocket rocket once today just to switch it up.
FAYNER I usually go lefty on Monday, Wednesday and Friday just to spice it up a bit. So, one must ask what the girl so many men fantasize about thinks of when she needs a fix?
JANE Usually just a really hot girl.
JANE And what?
FAYNER And Fayner.
JANE Oh yeah, and Fayner.
FAYNER Thanks. So, is Barrett still marrying you guys?
JANE Of course! We want to dress him up like a priest!
FAYNER And who are the Bridesmaids?
JANE Kirsten Price and August.
FAYNER Guess I won’t be getting a Bridesmaid in bed. But I’d love to see people’s reaction if they see Barrett dressed like a Priest making out with a porno chick. You should keep your son away from him, though, ‘cause Priest’s have a sweet tooth for young boys.
JANE Shut up! So, how was your vacation in Nantucket?
FAYNER Fucking great. Lobster and steak and swimming in the ocean every day is quite a change from my normal routine.
JANE Ocean? Isn’t Nantucket in Kentucky?
FAYNER Are you serious?
JANE Yeah. It is in Kentucky, right?
FAYNER Sure, my Jewish family and I all get together every year for a week in Kentucky. You’ve been riding your tractor in the hot sun for too long and fried your brain. Now I’m scared, ‘cause that leaves Rick being the smart one in your relationship. GOD help us all!
JANE I think my son has him beat!
FAYNER How old is he?
FAYNER Yep, he’s smarter than Rick. Does he have his driver’s permit yet?
JANE He’s only five!!
FAYNER Yes, but all them Midwestern states let kids drive so early so they can drive tractors and cotton pickers and combines and crop shredders and crop balers on the farm, right?
JANE What’s wrong with you?
JANE You know, I have a John Deere riding mower!
FAYNER Really? That is so fucking hot! You have to get me a picture for the site of you mowing the lawn naked on that thing.
JANE Okay, I’ll get right on it.