All posts by Luke Ford XXX

Sarah Vandella Knows What Guys Are Thinking When She Gives Them Head

Blonde bombshell Sarah Vandella is having quite a month with three DVDs out last week and another two out this week.

SarahMandingosMILFs copysmall

Her first DVD is Evil Angel’s “Sloppy Head 7” with Jonni Darkko is in the director’s chair and the lucky guy who gets a blowjob from Sarah. Sarah knows what guys are thinking when she’s giving them head. Guys who are lucky to be serviced by Ms. Throated 2016 are thinking about how much they’re enjoying the view, she’s a magician with how far she can deepthroat and it must be their birthday.

The two-disc extravaganza is out now and also stars Karlee Grey, Eva Evangelina, Marsha May, Vicki Chase and London Keyes. And watch the trailer on Evil Angel’s site at http://www.evilangelvideo.com/video/5330/Sloppy-Head-7/.

“I loved doing this scene with Jonni and from what I hear, it’s one of the best ones on the DVD,” says Sarah Vandella. “I’m not Ms Throated 2016 for nothing, and with each scene I get better and better. You definitely want to pick up ‘Sloppy Head’.”

Another DVD you will see Sarah in this week is Zero Tolerance’s “Every Girl Wants to Try a Black Guy”. The catchy title and the “go Black or go home” motto of Zero Tolerance is definitely a good reason to pick this title up. Plus, Sarah offers an amazing performance with Isiah Maxwell and she has some prime real estate on the cover that features a sexy photo of her. The 2-disc DVD also stars some well-known performers including Kagney Linn Karter, Bibi Noel, and Veruca James.

Both DVDs are available at your favorite adult e-tailer and local adult stores across the country.

Get Sarah on your set by contacting her talent manager Mark Schechter of ATMLA at mark@atmla.com or 818.825.1239.

To interview Sarah Vandella for your site, publication or show, contact Erika Icon of The Rub PR at erika@therubpr.com.

 SarahMandingosMILFssmall

ABOUT SARAH VANDELLA

Blonde bombshell Sarah Vandella is an East Coaster with an ultra fierce attitude. Before entering the biz in 2007, Sarah had a three-month stint at Sherri’s Ranch in Nevada. With over 8 years in the adult, 400 scenes filmed and countless DVD covers, she has worked for every top shelf studio, including ArchAngel, Jules, Reality Kings, Hustler, Evil Angel, Wicked Pictures, Naughty America, Digital Playground and Brazzers. In 2010, Sarah was a contract star for Zero Tolerance under the name Sara Sloane, which lead to amazing projects such as Official Friday the 13th Parody, Official Psycho Parody, and Official Jersey Shore Parody. The parodies didn’t stop there, and she had choice roles Official Flava of Love Parody and Smash Pictures’Bridesmaids to name few.

Sarah has received 12 AVN Awards nominations including Best Actress and two for Best Supporting Actress and XBIZ Awards nominations for MILF of the Year and multiple Best Actress noms, in addition to an XRCO nomination for deep throating. In 2016, she won the Throated.com DeepThroat Challenge to earn the title of Ms. Throated 2016 and beat out some serious competition—in the previous year, she placed third. She has graced the pages and covers of Xcitement, Xtreme, Old Nick, High Society, Swank, Fox, and Hustler.

Sarah loves acting and has had some cherry mainstream roles including the comedy/horror flick Werewolves in Heat released December 2015 and 2012 Indie film Mancation. In 2015, she was cast in the breakout role of reporter Maggie McCormick in Adam & Eve’s original new comedy Love, Sex & TV News, which earned her multiple Best Actress nominations.

When she’s not on set, you will find her listening to Classic, Rock and Metal Music, volunteering and giving back to her community, or in Long Island with her friends. Keep with all her adventures and become a Vandella Vandal by following her on Twitter at @mssarahvandella, see her life on and off set in pictures on Instagram www.Instagram.com/RealSarahVandella, talk and text with her on Dreamlover http://www.dreamlover.com/SarahVandella and join her official website http://www.sarahvandella.com/.

 

Eva Lovia heads to Philadelphia!

Eva Lovia Excites Philadelphia with Weekend Booking at Cheerleaders The Lee Network Presents the Sexy Adult Star for Feature Dance Performances on February 19-20!

Eva Lovia

Adult feature dance agency The Lee Network presents Eva Lovia at Cheerleaders Philadelphia on February 19 and 20. The fast-rising adult star will perform multiple dance routines each night during her headlining performances.

Cheerleaders is located at 2740 S. Front St. in Philadelphia, PA 19148.

The Digital Playground contract star brings her sexy feature dance show to the City of Brotherly Love for the first time. She will be available for lap dances, fan photos, and autographs between performances.

“I am so excited to dance for the first time in Philly this weekend and meet my fans on the East Coast!” exclaimed Eva Lovia. “I grew up in Upstate New York, so coming back to the North East feels like home, and I can’t wait to put on an amazing show and give my fans the opportunity to take a piece of me home with them, via my Fleshlights and DVDs!”

An avid dancer with a growing following, the 26-year-old performer has been thrilling audiences this winter with her playful on-stage skills, sensual dance moves, and charismatic persona. Lovia’s shows bring together heart-thumping music and sexy costumes that highlight the petite Latina’s curves and her love for performing.

“With its upscale clientele and the hottest entertainers in the area, Cheerleaders Philadelphia is the ideal club for Eva’s Philly dance debut,” said Tony Lee of The Lee Network. “Eva’s star power has been steadily rising over the last two years and shows no sign of stopping. It is only right that she should now be feature dancing at Philadelphia’s number one gentleman’s club – it was an obvious match for us to make. We at Lee Network have little doubt that this will become a regular stop for her.”

 

 

Casual dating tips for the modern man

Casual dating is no easy feat, especially when it comes to getting out there and making that first move. It can prove tough enough chatting to a woman in a club or bar but even tougher still to meet someone who is looking for a more casual situation like you. Thankfully as time has passed, the dating scene itself has evolved and made meeting women for casual sex a much easier and less stressful process.

First things first is deciding which dating site to join. There are a whole army of them out there each with their own quirks and groups of people. While you have your standard vanilla dating website you’ll also find more tailored ones for people who might like older women and men, outfits, BDSM, or even just looking to meet and fuck tonight. It doesn’t matter which you choose just so long as you’re happy with the environment. Of course the next step is then creating an online dating profile…

It may come as no surprise but honesty is key when it comes to composing an online profile. After all if everything you write in said profile is a lie then anyone who meets you will see through it instantly. Be open and up front regarding all details both big and small as it will make things much easier on yourself and anyone you might meet. If you hate talking about sports then say so. If you’re adventurous and outgoing then make it heard.

This is even more important when it comes to making it clear what it is you’re looking for from the website – whether you want a long-term deal or just a fling for example. People do not like being lied so don’t enter “looking for a long-term relationship” purely because you think it might result in more responses. When they realise you were lying about yourself and your intentions it will never end well.

So you’ve joined the site, you’ve filled out your profile honestly and landed yourself a casual date with an attractive woman – now how do you prepare?

While the term casual date might give off a filthy image where effort is minimal, that isn’t necessarily true. Being casual doesn’t mean you should completely stop making any effort at all. Sure you’re simply meeting with the intention of sex, but the road there shouldn’t be too different from a normal date. Dress smartly, go out for a drink and dinner and treat the woman with respect.

Safety is something that is often overlooked when it comes to casual dating. While it seems hardly worth worrying about, it pays to make sure you take the proper precautions especially when meeting complete strangers from the web. Meet in a place that feels familiar and safe to the pair of you if possible. That means trying to avoid bringing the woman to yours or vice versa. You do not know this person so get the chance to do so around others in a public place.

Most importantly though just remember to be yourself. After all, the woman meeting you is expecting the guy you wrote about in your profile.

Introducing Three Heads production company

“Stone, Knight, and Bartholet Announce New Production Company “Three Heads Productions” At 2016 AVN/AEE Expo In Vegas”

356832.1 evan-stone James Bartholet

Three Industry veteran; Evan Stone, Alec Knight, and James Bartholet, are very happy to announce the start of their new production company; “Three Heads”.

The company will be helming both adult and mainstream title releases, they will include parody and original releases. The films will be seen online and on DVD. No distribution company has been announced at this time.

“We are excited about the joint venture, we have all worked together for years, and have several films in the pre production stage now. We picked the name because basically; Three Heads Are Better Than One”, said Bartholet.

“We’re carefully picking scripts and planning everything very carefully, and hope to launch production this Spring”, said Knight

“Yeah,….what they said….LOL But seriously, this is a good idea, and we think that we can bring something new to the game, and something from the perspective of the actors and performers who made so many movies for so many people in the past”, added Stone.

 

 

 

Outdoor sex: be kinky and get crazy!

Modern culture can offer multiple ways to entertain yourself and your date. However, sex remains the best one to keep as close as possible. But what if your sex life worsened? What if it does not feel as good as before? Calm down, there is no need to search for a different partner. There are a lot of pleasant ways to enliven your sex life. Some people would rather use sex toys, others would go further and try roleplaying or sadomasochistic experiences. Yet, sex in public places is one of the yummiest ways of variegating your sex life! Our team and Brides Hub decided to reveal the list of best places to have outdoor sex in. Just try not getting caught!

Park, forest, glade. Let’s start with something simple. Natural spaces are awesome to have sex in for numerous reasons. Forests are quite empty and no one would catch you being naughty. As well, innate natural spaces can edge your feelings and passion. No matter how hard humanity is trying to urbanize the world, a human being is still nature’s creature and feels comfortable when coming together with it. A city park is another kind of thing: you can easily offend other visitors with your behavior (though, such situation can be even more exciting!).

Airplane, car, train. Moving vehicles can be a nice place for sexual amusement. Sex in an airplane’s bathroom (or even with the flight attendant!) is a widespread men’s fantasy, porn industry often exploits this scenario – and it works every damn time! Though, believe our experience, your imagination exaggerates the potential rapture: bathrooms are often tiny and stinky, having sex in such place might become a mockery instead of delight; besides, bathrooms on planes are checked every 20 minutes, so you would be really short on time. A car is always a good choice; a quick blowjob is even convenient while being stuck in a traffic jam. Likewise, if your car’s windows are blackened out, you can even have a coitus right after arriving a mall’s parking. A train experience is the most complicated case, but we are willing you to try it out and tell us more!

The changing room. A few minutes ago you were looking for a new sweater and now both of you are in the fitting room having sex! You should agree, this is a music for your ears. Even so, there are some basic rules: try choosing the dressing room in a big department store with the door that goes all the way to the bottom. Employees of such huge shops do not really care what happens in the fitting room unless you steal.

Imagine such scenario: you are at a cocktail party in a fancy fusion restaurant wearing a bow tie, and her dress is red and skinny. She gives you a wink and five minutes later you meet near the bathroom. Yes, this is a marvelous opportunity to have some fun! Although, try being quiet: securities in luxurious places can throw you out for such behavior, obviously. Small tip: if you are about to have sex in a public bathroom, choose men’s – male solidarity is a thing and other guys wouldn’t mind.

 

Do you have a RedPass Mastercard? I hope not.

Remember Redpass Mastercards will be suspended at 12.00 EST on 18th December 2015.

If you have not already spent or withdrawn the funds on your Mastercard, please do so immediately as any funds left on the card will be more difficult to recover. Any pending loads to the Mastercard will be cancelled and credited back to your Redpass e-wallet later today as we cannot guarantee that you will have enough time to access the card funds between the loading mechanism completing the transaction and the cards ceasing to work.

The Redpass e-wallet is not affected by the closure of the Choice Bank Mastercards. Your funds there will be safe until withdrawn and we will get them to you as soon as we can.

Redpass and Zombaio management have discussed the final settlement of balances and jointly believe that the best way to ensure that everybody gets paid in full as quickly as possible is if we:

[a] Transfer balances originally settled from Zombaio, back to Zombaio
[b] Pay these balances out with next available scheduled payout where customer is active or
[c] as a manual disbursement where customer is no longer active.

To proceed on this basis please:

[1] Contact Redpass support to authorize the transfer of funds originally loaded to Redpass by Zombaio back to Zombaio.
You can login to your account and submit a support ticket or contact us directly through the live chat available at https://secure.redpass.com/ .
[2] provide Zombaio merchant number if you are still an active merchant..
[3] provide banking details (OPTIONAL: in the name of the redpass cardholder) if you are not.

If you do not wish to transfer your balance back to Zombaio for settlement or would like to discuss alternate methods of getting your balance paid out, please contact Jesper or Michael at our support.

Best regards,

RedPass Accounting Department
support@redpass.com
Phone +1-650-963-5556

Nica Noelle trashes the adult industry and more!

On September 8, 2015 Nica Noelle did a podcast with Dragon’s Lair with Colleen’s Dragon.

Dragon’s Lair with Nica Noelle 8 Sept 2015

In the many years I’ve been in this industry I don’t think I’ve seen a single person who is actively working in porn go out of their way to so openly trash every single aspect of it and be just such a negative person in a single interview.

I couldn’t help but wonder just how fucking sad this person’s life must be that they could drone on and on, subject after subject with such negativity. It really didn’t matter what the fuck this chick talked about, it was negative.

When asked about LA Nica Nolle had this to say … “same weather all the time”, “same scenery all the time”, and “all the shoot houses are shot out”. Of course those are just some of the highlights of the negativity towards LA.

Next she made mention about the people who are in adult movies, you know the porn stars who make her living of making movies fucking possible. This chick had this to say “the performers are uneducated”.

What about the industry as a whole “we aren’t responsible in the adult industry”.

She also hates on the entire female gender and the political movement on feminism. She goes on about how women shouldn’t complain about being held back because they are women, that it wasn’t really the reason they were being held back.

Clearly the whole gender equality thing at work was just fucking pretend. I mean forget the fact that it’s proven that women make $.76 per hour for every $1 per hour a man makes for the very same job. But hey, fuck women and their demands to be treated equal, right?

She actually said, “we don’t really want equality — women want to oppress men out of revenge.”

I fucking am not making this shit up.

But what are her thoughts on the industry as a whole?

“Porn is completely racist”. Now just 60 seconds to this statement, she mentions how you should be able to think what you want. You should have the freedom to have your own thoughts of opinions. But apparently that doesn’t apply to her.

Because then she calls any female who doesn’t want to do something for whatever reason, wrong.

She calls out all females who don’t want to have interracial sex as racist. This goes completely against what she just said regarding feminism in porn.

How dare a women decide who she does or doesn’t want to sleep with. What the fuck is wrong with a girl for making her own decisions? Fuck her.

She also supported the concept of shaming girls into making them do interracial. Let me repeat that. She supports shaming people into doing something they don’t want to do.

How about another great Nica Nolle soundbite – “Porn is very unapologetic for showing the worst in human nature”.

Again this is someone who makes their living in porn. She’s biting the very hand that feeds her.

I can’t help but wonder why someone who hates so much about her job and the industry as a whole, why the fuck is she even doing it?

is there nobody she even likes?

How can one person be so fucking negative?

When talking about making porn she said … “Having to put sex in the movie, holds us back. ”

I had to #FacePalm myself on that one. I mean what the fuck is a porno without fucking?

The host of the pod cast went down a list of porn stars to get Nica Noelle’s thoughts.

  • She personally doesn’t get along with Julia Ann.
  • Jessie Andrews is so adorable it’s creepy and as the conversation went on Jessie Andrews somehow got compared to Bride of Chucky. WTF?
  • Lexi Belle she called another menacing cute little blonde and she apparently wasn’t happy with her performance, saying she is a little porno. Seriously? A porn star performing in a porno is a little porno?  Fucking duh! WTF is she supposed to be like?
  • About Nick Manning, she said “I had this impression of him being a super over the top cartoon” after claiming her “begged” her for work. He however was I think one of the few people she didn’t trash. She said he ended up being a great performer and that her initial impressions of him were wrong. I happen to know Nick Manning and he doesn’t book his own work. You have to book him through his agent LA Direct and he’s always pre-booked well in advance so I have a hard time believing he had to beg her for work. Anyone who knows how LA Direct works knows that they have a very strict can’t book your own shit policy. In fact, I called LA Direct to book him for a b/g scene in early July and he was fully booked for the whole fucking month, so I really doubt the legitimacy of her story. In the end she did have this to say about Nick Manning, “He was fantastic and I went on to use him in so many movies. I just loved him.”
  • About Seth Gamble “I love him. I love Seth Gamble.” Shockingly she was so positive about someone.

This fucking interview goes on for nearly two fucking hours. After so much negativity I just couldn’t finish listening.

When she said “Everyone is a cartoon in porn”, and then “There are a lot of reprehensible things that go on in porn”, I just gave the fuck up. I couldn’t continue listening to her ranting on and on about how much she hates porn, she hates LA, she hates porn stars, she hates everything.

WTF are you even doing in porn then Nico Nolle? Seriously? FFS do yourself a favor and find a new fucking job already, clearly you aren’t happy with the one you have.

 

 

 

 

The who’s who of …. say fucking what?

If you read Mike South’s website you might hear him occasionally talking about some fucktard named Uncle Peg.

The story gets a tad fucking confusing sometimes because the guy has many names and aliases.

Michael Whiteacre is also known as Ari Scott Bass.

Michael Whiteacre is also known as Uncle Peg.

Sean Tompkins is not Michael Whiteacre, however they are friends and apparently created the site, therealpornwikileaks (TRPWL for short), where they often talk trash and bash people in the industry they don’t like, which is apparently just about fucking everyone.

If you are a female, either Sean or Michael have no problem threatening violence against you.

Michael Whiteacre is in a long term relationship with a girl named Christina. We are talking like 5 or more times here in just the last two years alone.

Michael Whiteacre has been arrested numerous times for beating said girlfriend and is apparently wanted by the police for failing to show up for one of his 20,000 fucking court dates relating to his multiple domestic violence cases.

Sean Tompkins to my knowledge has not been arrested for beating up his girlfriend, or to my knowledge even has one. But he is just as much a crazy psycho has his friend, the wife beating Michael Whiteacre.

So now you know what the fuck Mike South is talking about when he refers to this Uncle Peg fucker on his website.

 

Jenna Jameson is not worth $30 million

While the world is going on about how much weight Jenna Jameson has gained, after seeing her on Celebrity Big Brother UK, I’m confused by something else. I could care less what she weighs. What I want to know is how the world still thinks she is a multi-millionaire. Trust me, she’s not.

Here is a comment I’ve heard many times over, or see on various news sites talking about Jenna Jameson … “I still can’t believe she cams on MFC when she’s worth $30m!”

Could it be more fucking obvious? If some chick is worth $30 million bucks you think she’s going to show you her tits and ass for $100? Of fucking course not.

Jenna Jameson is not worth $30 million. She probably isn’t worth $150,000 at this point.

I’m not being a dick here. I’m just being honest. What money she might have had for selling her company was split with her now ex-husband Jay Grdina and then she spent the rest over the last 10 or 15 years, including a mountain of legal bills, clothes, cars, trips, having two kids, etc.

She wrote a book and that didn’t go well, so there was no extra money from that.

Those few companies who will book her at her going rate of between $5,000 and $25,000 per appearance are now extremely far and few between.

The only thing she really did have to her name was a house she bought with her last husband and apparently she lost that in the divorce as well and is currently in the middle of a lawsuit regarding that piece of property.

So why people think she still has all this money and would be willing to shake her thing for pennies on MFC is beyond me but no, you can bet your ass she doesn’t have much to her name anymore. Which is why in fact she was on MyFreeCams in the first place.

Dill Bill Asher of Vivid pull a Bill Cosby?

When I read the story that Stefani Morgan was making a return to porn, I was quite honestly shocked. I know they say everyone eventually comes back, but fuck if this one didn’t surprise me.

Last I heard of Stefani Morgan she was leaving porn when her then relationship with Vivid co-owner Bill Asher,  and Ivy League-educated MBA and former executive of Playboy – ended in a very ugly way. And by ugly way I mean, apparently he fucking raped her ass (as Stefani herself put it).

Then if raping her wasn’t enough, and yes apparently there was a witness to this rape, he tried to strong armed her into signing agreement (according to the rumors back then when it all went down), stating she not only could not talk about the rape but that she couldn’t come back to porn.

Of course all of this took place years ago. So maybe now something has changed. The question is, what? Has enough time passed that Bill Asher is no longer worried about the rape due to some statue of limitation running out?

Or does he just think we all fucking forgot about it?

I don’t care how much fucking money you have, and how much time has passed (((look at Bill Cosby))), raping a chick isn’t fucking cool. No means fucking no, dick.

Below you’ll find the detailed about the Bill Asher and Stefani Morgan relationship, including her detailed account of the rape.


She writes on MySpace (original source link):

I should have never met up with you and Andrew. From the beginning you just kept playing with my head, making you think you cared while you were out sleeping with numerous girls. I sat at home thinking maybe you’d stop, you’d realize you didn’t need that to make yourself feel better. It never happened. I hadn’t seen you in a month, and leaped at the chance to, you already had complete hold of my heart. We partied all night; everything was perfect (in a Sid and Nancy way). A few days later when I came over, we slept together; you wanted to get up early. I left so you could get to bed.

The next day I asked how you were so tired. You laughed when you told me a girl had dropped by late, and you fucked her. At that point I told myself I wasn’t going to get hurt again.

So a couple days later when an ex-fling called I decided to meet up with him. I tried to get my mind off you, I slept with him, which is completely juvenile, and I cried the whole way home because I hated myself for it.

When I told mo the next night she tried to convince me it was ok that I had. She and I started up with our own lil party at dinner, followed by her house.

You said we could stop by the next day had come over to continue our party with you, we both wanted e. everything was fine, then mo went to bed, and you asked me if I slept with JJ. I said yes, I couldn’t lie to you.

You commanded I get upstairs, then told me to “lay on the bed, I’m going to rape your ass” I pleaded, and fought, so you pinned me down and forced me to take it.

I didn’t know the man on top of me. You went downstairs and left me sobbing on the bed. I heard you ask mo something and I picked myself up, not knowing what was going on. Mo was in a daze, and I found you in the living room.

You had ME pleading for forgiveness. You had just stripped me of all my rights just minutes before and I was apologizing. I’m so glad it happened, don’t get me wrong, because of that I went to talk to mo and she started getting sick from partying so hard too long,

I was horrified, I had never seen that firsthand, let alone someone I cared about. Looking back on it I think that is the only reason why I told myself I was ok after what you did. What if something happened to mo, we would’ve just been sleeping upstairs, no one to help her. You left the next day before I woke up to avoid me. I wanted to die, I felt so dirty and guilty.

The next week we chatted, I blamed myself for everything and thought I deserved it; I was filming the following weekend after all. You went to Jay’s Christmas party, and Andrew went along. Little did you know at the time, Andrew’s date was a hooker.

She didn’t fuck Andrew, she fucked you…and since she said she always used a condom you didn’t use one. I forgave you, why not? I did for everything else up to that point. We made up, we partied together, and I missed my family’s Christmas because of it. And you let me sleep while you went out with your parents, when you came back, you were upset, and you ended it.

2 days later, the hooker from the party contacted me to say she was pregnant and it was yours, she couldn’t get a hold of you so I got the wonderful news, great. I reminded myself it was an accident, you didn’t do this on purpose, and I stood by your side.

When I saw you a few days later, you searched my text messages and saw merry Xmas exchanges between 2 men from my past and I. heaven forbid I still get along with them. You then took me to Scottsdale for new years to just make me feel guilty.

Once again you commanded me to get on the bed. Saying, “Lay on the bed, I’m going to rape your ass” I was so horrified of you.

Your eyes had even changed. “The more you fight, the longer and more painful it will be“.

Our suite was so isolated, I didn’t know what to do, what you would do, you weren’t yourself and I feared the worst. As I begged, you went to your suitcase and grabbed 2 ties, and tied each ankle to a bedpost.

How do you do that to someone? You told me to bite on the pillow and not to scream. When you stopped I lay there horrified for my life. I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t care how many times you say I did, I didn’t.

You rubbed my back and said, “mo was right, girls like you are unlovable. No one has ever cared for you, no guys in your past, but I do.” I apologized once again. A part of me felt sorry for you, you know not what you do, even at your age.

I remember saying something smart and you went to grab me again, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. you pound and pounded on the door as I pleaded for you to stop.

You eventually did. And I remember lying there on the cold floor half naked; I had never been so afraid my entire life. I crawled out to my purse after several minutes past, I grabbed my phone and then locked myself in the bathroom again to book the soonest flight home.

The suites at Sanctuary are so isolated I was scared to call for help. what if you heard me? I figured booking a flight was safest. When you came back banging on the door, shortly after, I thought you had heard me, I pleaded for you not to hit me, I was sorry, and you promised not to hit me.

When I cracked the door the man I knew was back, you looked horrified seeing me like that you coddled me and said you would never hit me. I remember sobbing while you whipped my tears, I wish you had beat and left me there alone rather than feel what I felt inside.

I am such an idiot for letting you talk me down. I forgave you. I am the fool. Ryan and mark were on their way; my worst fear was having people know what you had done. I honestly, to this day, know from the bottom of my heart that that is not who you are. Maybe I am in denial, but it isn’t you. I got myself ready; I was just one hit of e away from forgetting how much you hated me inside. I’ve never been so dependent on drugs and alcohol, but that was the only time I felt remotely happy.

The next week or so, you flew the hooker in and handled the abortion. It wasn’t yours in the end, and to be honest I forgave you even more so because it wasn’t.

Then we had AVN’s, the last of my journey, I was leaving, all we had to do was get through the week and for me to not have to go on that damn stage to accept an award. We had it; it was supposed to be downhill finally.

I had even changed all my contacts so you didn’t have to worry about “my horrible past” (your words not mine) you still checked my phone and altered most things out of my mouth…. you’d think after years of drugs you’d be aware of your anger and paranoia…maybe that’s just my wishful thinking though. You adored me so much when had good days, others I felt like I couldn’t go on.

The hardest part was that you don’t hear yourself speak. You don’t realize what you say, your body language. A part of me felt you knew that you had hurt me and just tried to push me away as much as possible to end it. That was your way of saving me from you. Although my moods and thought were never clear, it was drugs, withdrawals, then all over again.

And the pain I had was just getting pushed back further in my head, I never had the strength to deal with it. You had become my everything. You controlled me. I lost everything without even realize it. I never once thought of what I wanted. And that was my fault; I loved you more than you loved yourself.

My goal everyday was to make you see the good in yourself; I thought I was special enough to make you see it. But I was too naive at the time. You had cut me out almost completely by march. We had fought and made up for months, and every time was more intense then the time before. I’ll never forget when we were eating at the lil place down the street from you that we used to slip into for a late bite. You randomly said you fucked my as the night before when I was ambiened out.

“Your ass was gapping” you said. I didn’t know what to say, you smiled and said you weren’t lying. You had taken pictures of the whole thing. My body limp while you pounded my ass in my sleep. Pictures for your sick pleasure. You wonder why I cut my arm those few times. How did I let myself get to that point? When and where did I forget about me?

When did I stop defending myself and become a victim? And how the fuck could you smile through it all?? I developed this sick thought that if I could have anal sex with you and thoroughly enjoy it I could forget all the abuse you put me through.

After getting an object “lost in my body” as the nurse put it, one symptom remained. I had nausea, throughout the day, and it peaked midday. The dr. told me he would like me to call my dr. to see if I was pregnant. I told you as I left. Do you remember what you said? You told me to take some tests while you got a coat hanger.

Everything I dreamed it would be when I played house when I was young. Real, fucking gentleman. The whole way home you asked anxiously. The thing that killed me inside was when you said, ” god let’s hope not. I’d rather Vanessa (the hooker) have my child than you.” and you wonder why I lied to you saying that I wasn’t pregnant.

I hurt to so bad inside, my worst fear is that I would never get over the pain you put me through. I couldn’t look at that baby and hurt. I thought I wouldn’t be a good enough mother because of it. The thing that hurt most was that you wouldn’t change, you don’t want to. Look how long Nicole has been in your life, and you still haven’t. Why would you for this kid? You take such horrible care of yourself like nothing will ever happen.

I had you lying in my arms twice were you had taken too much and you had no idea you and spazming, and I remember lying there, watching you, crying. I was horrified. What if something did happen?

I lost my dad when I was 6, and it is hard. I have siblings that still aren’t over it 15 years later. All these reasons just scared me, I didn’t know what to do, and I was too scared. I was so in love with you still, and I didn’t want to blame you. I figured if you didn’t know I could only blame myself.

A few days later you got mad at me for celebrating Odette’s new show with her and the cast. I was drinking and men were hitting on me, they all knew I was in love, everyone knew about you. I had no life outside of you, how could they not? Yet you were pissed and ripped me to shreds the next morning. You altered my story, you were so mad; you didn’t even actually listen to a word out of my mouth. I blurted out I was pregnant.

And your exact words were, “well then we have another problem, it can’t be mine.” How the fuck could you say that?? I changed everything for you, just so you could cope with your own problems. I kept my mouth close so you could think what you wanted to. You were the center of my world and you accused me of cheating on you??

Do you know what that did to me? A couple days later we went to dinner and we talked about it, I told you was going to a clinic by my mom’s, I had planned on you never knowing. You said with Vanessa it is ok, but in my case it was sad. And you had the look in your eyes I never saw before. I felt that I was hurting you, so I tried to let you think I made the whole ting up.

But in the end, I couldn’t. I needed you. Every reason I had led to you, and I loved you so much I didn’t want you to hurt. That’s why I lied. If you didn’t know, you couldn’t stop me, and I couldn’t blame you the way I wanted to. You know I wanted that baby, you knew how much I love kids. But I wasn’t strong enough, I was selfish. I hurt too much. I thought couldn’t keep him/her.

The shitty thing is I will regret my decision every second, of everyday until I die. I keep telling myself I would’ve never been able to give he/she everything they deserved, but I’m just lying to myself. You asked how I felt when I came back; it wasn’t much but I am so glad you tried a little. Honest, I really am. The thing that destroyed me the most was one week, to the day, after my procedure we called Andréa (your hooker who you buy drugs from).

She had some friends with her, they partied with us. I was upstairs when you brought her up to your room. She went into the bathroom and you put your arms around me, and kissed me. I instantly had tears in my eyes. I said, “I can’t do this” you told me “don’t worry, there won’t be any insertion”.

I went downstairs and cried in the bathroom then went out to mark and the girls and numbed my pain with my chemicals. The next day when we woke up you said was weird at the end of the night, I seemed uncomfortable, you asked if I felt weird around the hookers, didn’t it remind me of the old days? You the fuck did I ever do to you to deserve the way you treated me?

That was the first time you put your arms around me since my procedure, do you know that? I remember reading a book on coping next to you, I was crying. When you shut off the light you heard me set the book down and said, “I didn’t realize you were awake.” I needed you more than anything at that point. It took 2 weeks and you asking me to never speak to you 3 times before you hugged me and said “it was sad”, that’s it.

You were partying more, your moods were worse than ever. You wanted me out of your life completely. That was it. You left me when I had nothing.

I have never felt the pain I had inside ever in my life, and it scared me to death. And you just kept ignoring me, doing more drugs. You lashed out when you found out I was coming back to work. I was trash, a whore; I was a waste of your time. I’m just a 21-year-old girl trying to get my life back, and it’s going to take a long time. I was afraid to talk about anything after you threatened to retaliate if I did. You told me I was crazy and I made things up. I wish I were.

There have been nights I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up. Everyday is harder than the last. Keeping quiet has caused the pain to become unbearable. I’m not ok, but I will be. Because if am not, you win. And you have had a hold of me too long. You know, all I asked for was an apology, you cut me out of your life completely instead. But the hard part is that I will never hear the words I’m sorry come out of your mouth. I don’t hate you.

I hope one day you see how amazing you are underneath it all and can love yourself instead of sabotaging yourself. That’s the worst pain, seeing you destroy yourself. You can’t see how much it hurts those around you even when they are screaming in front of you with tears streaming down their cheeks. It’s been months and things have only become worse. I’m glad you’ve numbed the pain that I have to feel every goddamn day.