Luke Ford

Fayner Posts: Friday night I was itching to go out. I didn’t. Taylor and Alaura said they’d tag along with me Saturday night to Jeff Mullen’s Bradys XXX party at the Knitting Factory if I was still jonsing to get out.

By Saturday morning I wasn’t. Going to Hollywood is a big chore, not to mention that after years of attending porn parties the only things that change are the diseases and the box cover of whichever DVD is being promoted. Plus, I don’t know anyone anymore and no one knows me. I’ve come to accept HBO as my Saturday night destination these days, and for that I am a sad human being.

So, cool, I’m staying in on Saturday night. But wait, Alaura’s oldest friend is in town and her and Taylor are gonna go see her in Hollywood. Awesome! Have fun, girls!

Not so fast, Fayner.

Seems I had to go along with them. To keep them safe. It makes no sense at all if you know me. But Keith kidnapped my dogs, so I had no choice but to tag along.

Alaura said I was being fussy when they tried waking me up at 10 last night. I didn’t want to go. Taylor came in my room and handed me a vodka drink of some kind.

“Drink it up, bitch!” she hollered (420).

I did.

An hour later she was laughing about how she spiked my drink with MDMA. Sweet. We were at the Whisky Bar watching some guy in a half shirt drink wine. I was not pleased. Alaura’s friend was no where to be found, and the place was weak. So we went to the Knitting Factory for the Brady XXX party around 12:30.

These are the notes I wrote on a napkin

-Max Hardcore tells me that life couldn’t be better. After a pause he says, “except for the FED thing, that is.”

-Dean Sussman’s haircut keeps getting worse while he keeps getting nicer.

-The only porn chick I knew was Tricia Devereaux. I didn’t complain.

-Tom Byron was standing alone the whole time.

-Joel Laurence says he looks pretty good for 42 years old. I agreed. It could have been the 18 year old whore on his arm.

-Monstar was either hitting on the male bartender or ordering a drink. I wasn’t really paying attention.

-I saw Ann Marie outside and hid because I think she hates me and didn’t want to deal with it.

-Max Hardcore and his skank leave in the yellow Corvette with the top down. It’s like 45 degrees outside. She must be real dumb. Good for him.

-I’m too old for this shit

Fayner Posts: Copy cats, I think they’re called. One who imitates or adopts the behavior or practices of another, Webster’s says.

In an obvious take to the current situation in Sudan where a woman is being jailed for naming a teddy bear Mohammed, it seems former adult actress Ashley Blue is also being detained for recently referring to a bloody tampon she discovered on the ground as “cute little Kurt Lockwood.”

“Kurt Lockwood is a God amongst the porn folk, 10,000 times as much as that guy Mohammud (do I also go to jail for spelling “Mohammed” wrong?) is to the Muslims!” says the always awesome spokesman for all things Porn, Bill Margold. “No one will disrespect him, or his teachings! To name a used sanitary product after him is grounds for death! Porn is a God-fearing community, and we uphold the laws of God. It just happens our God is Kurt Lockwood! Ashley Blue will feel the sharp end of the stick on this one!”

IN OTHER BILL MARGOLD NEWS

Obviously, the above story is fake. Ashley Blue may have named a dirty tampon after Kurt Lockwood, but the rest is just the product of whatever rolls inside my head at the time. Anyways, Bill Margold wouldn’t even take my calls, that’s how important he is.

But this is so funny because I heard last night from someone either at AVN or somewhere else or I could have just made it up myself a second ago that Bill Margold is setting up a fund to help save the teddy bear from Sudan.

“Teddy Bears are our future,” Bill Margold would have said if this actually took place. “Just as the military’s motto is “leave no man behind” mine is “leave no teddy bear behind.” I’ve saved teddy bears from all over the world. Soviet Russia, Vietnam, you name it, I’ve been there saving teddy bears. I will not rest until each and every neglected teddy bear on earth is brought home to me and my loving arms!”

NADIA STYLES

VERSUS

JUSTINE JOLI

TWO CHICKS. SIX HOLES. WHERE DO YOU WANNA DROP YOUR WAD?

Vote to your right and up (look right and up dumbass) for either NADIA or JUSTINE until midnight TONIGHT Eastern time..

YESTERDAY’S WINNER!

KATIE MORGAN

(with 399 votes to HILLARY SCOTT’S 287)