Luke Ford

DCypher posts: Hillary Scott pretends to be the real diva in Britney Rears 4: Britney Goes Gonzo, which came out yesterday from X-Play and LFP Video.

The DVD boasts over four hours of pornological goodness, with nine complete sex scenes and well over an hour of extras like behind the scenes and bloopers.

Shot prior to Scott’s exclusive contract with SexZ Pictures, the fourth installment in director Will Ryder’s popular series co-stars Jamie Elle, Daisy, Veronique Vega, Sativa Rose, Kissy Kapri, Serena Marcus and Jessica Sweet. James Bartholet plays a non-sex role as a “zany television reporter” from all initial reports. Zany, in this case, does not mean Zicari related. No reason to start boycotting or marching around in front of the big black towers of LFP’s hive with signs and chanting catchy slogans.

Apparently the plot revolves around the device of aphrodisiac lollipops called Britney Pops that turn sweet and innocent young girls into that one chick we all knew in high school who ANYONE could score on. Oh yeah, you knew her all right. We all did. Good times.

The director Will Ryder told me he wanted to up the ante big time since the real Britney, the not so hot MILF who wishes she looked like Hilary Scott, has been off the rails lately jamming God-knows-how-much man meat into her fatgina on a nightly basis. So Ryder threw in ball scorching threeways and some zesty anal and really cranked the heat up. He said he knew that Hilary knew just how to handle some rough and dirty fucking and that the results were amazing. He said he’d take the Pepsi challenge with those other gonzo companies any day of the week then began cursing at me in Italian slang so obscure, so dialect heavy, that I pissed myself in fear like a little girl and told him I wanted to go home. I vowed that I would pass this message on to you, the loyal readers of this site so that’s what I’m a gonna do, capice?

You see I believe that in this life all you have is your word and your balls, and you really shouldn’t break them for nobody. Please check out his free gallery so I don’t have to go through that again. Thank you for your compassion and understanding.

Click Here For Full Gallery

Fayner Posts: Lexington Steele is everywhere: in porn movies, on Weeds, in my dreams…

Did anyone happen to catch Lex on last night’s episode of Nip/Tuck?

I did.

In the episode, one of the doctors takes his chick to a swinger’s club, where rich white women get pounded by young black pole. Lex was one of the guys fucking the white chicks. Good for him.

40 acres and a fat white mule…

JENNA HAZE (556 VOTES)

VERSUS

CHARLIE LAINE (253 VOTES)

This one is sure to be exciting folks! We got two of the hottest and sweetest sluts to ever walk in hooker heels straight to our drooling hearts.

I’m excited because I’ve decided that whoever wins this one gets to fuck me. Whatever, I’ll take one for the team, right?

So pick your favorite: the nasty little slut or the sweet innocent girl?

Vote to your right and up (look right and up dumbass) for either Jenna or Charlie until midnight tomorrow Eastern time..

YESTERDAY’S WINNER!

MIA ROSE

(with 725 votes to Ava Rose’s 659)

Congrats to Mia. She’s now that much closer to the $1,500 prize. And in an attempt to announce the winner during Porn Week in Vegas, the lukeford staff is reshifting things starting next week so that we can run multiple polls at once and speed this damn thing up a bit. K?

TOMORROW’S COMPETITORS

ALAURA EDEN VS SANDRA ROMAIN

Fayner Posts: So, that Dakoda Brookes myspaced my computer into submission and Alaura came in and “defragged” my precious computerized writing gadget, which I guess removes tons and tons of useless garbage that clogs things up, including passwords.

For some reason last night I was horny. I’m guessing it was Dakoda’s ass rubbing against my crotch every five minutes that made me this way. It doesn’t really matter who is to blame for this, just that it happened.

And since my DVD player is broken after crashing to the ground when Dakoda and Bianca had their wall-shaking fingerbanging olympics last week in the next room, I was forced to use the computer for my relief session.

But now I had no saved passwords for the sex sites I was hoping to enter. Damn! What’s a man to do? Go and ask Dez and Alaura for some porn? Use my imagination? Go to sleep without servicing myself?

Fuck that!

Luckily I remembered my password for PornStar.com from years ago, and luckily it still worked!

I watched something titled Teen Fuck Holes and it did the trick.

Phew!

Thanks PornStar.com, for making all my dreams come true.

[ed note: and anyone who wants to send me a password to their site can do so at fayneralmighty@gmail.com. thanks]

“ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS…to have nonstop sex in a bungalow in Maldives!”

DCypher posts: What is it about striped nylons and leg warmers that seems so very Alt? Hard to put your finger on, isn’t it?

I opened my virtual mailbox this morning and was stunned and delighted to see an ample supply of hot, young, willing girls posing for Met Art once again.

This girl is named Avril, yeah, just like the rock star. Just like her punky American doppelganger she too loves to stay up late, break the rules, drink vodka straight out of the bottle, and party all the time, party all the time! Yay!

That one was for my boy Vic.

Avril never dreamed that anyone would ever ask her to model. She used to cry a lot when she was in her tweens because boys didn’t like her and she spent most of her early teens without anyone to share Valentine’s Day with. Ever since she started posing naked it seems she’s got more boyfriends than she knows what to do with.

Lucky for you she’s always got room for one more…

Click Here For Full Gallery

Fayner Posts: Travis stopped by the house last night to say hello and look through the ashtrays for roaches. Somehow the conversation turned to black chicks.

“Holy shit!” Travis barked. “You should have seen the office today!”

“What happened?” I asked.

“Three fat black chicks came in to the office to see about getting into a Black Ice movie. They were huge, atleast 350 pounds each!”

“That sucks” I replied.

“No, what really sucks is that my office was too small to fit all of them so I had to bring them to a bigger office to fill out the paper work.”

“Did you get any of their phone numbers?”

Travis insisted that he didn’t get a phone number from the fat chicks, but we all agreed after he left that he totally got one of their numbers and is planning on calling this weekend for a booty call.

Good luck, Travis!

DCypher posts: Everyone knows that it’s just poor taste to speak ill of the dead. Awarding recently deceased Norman Mailer the Bad Sex Award seems to fall into that category IMHO. I’m sure, however, that this is how the prolific author would want to be remembered.

*** *** ***

LONDON — The conception of Adolf Hitler was never going to make for easy reading. But the late Norman Mailer’s explicit rendition of the incestuous encounter between the genocidal German dictator’s parents has won the writer one of the world’s most dubious literary prizes.

Mailer, who died of renal failure last month at 84, was one of several candidates for the annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award, which aims to highlight crude and tasteless descriptions of sex in modern novels.

In a ceremony at the In & Out Club in central London, the judges paid homage to a “great American man of letters,” adding: “We are sure that he would have taken the prize in good humor.”

The excerpt is taken from one of Mailer’s last works, “The Castle in the Forest,” a fictionalized exploration of Hitler’s family, narrated by a demon. In the passage, the demon describes the moment Adolf is conceived, as Klara embraces Alois, a man the novel says was her uncle, “with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One.”

That passage, and others like it, were chosen by the Literary Review magazine, which has been embarrassing authors with its award for the past 15 years.

Others shortlisted for the prize include Christopher Rush, whose book “Will” offers a firsthand account of a sex between William Shakespeare and his wife, Anne Hathaway. The bard praises his wife’s anatomy in excruciating detail.

Jeannette Winterson was picked for her awkward love scene in “The Stone Gods,” involving a woman and a robot. Richard Milward’s “Apples” was chosen for its description of a sex scene between an adolescent boy and a woman the teen said “smelt a bit like an armpit.”

Actor David Thewlis, who appears in the Harry Potter movies as Harry’s teacher Remus Lupin, was selected for a sex scene in his novel “The Late Hector Kipling,” where a man has his nipple drenched in lighter fluid, set on fire and then doused in beer.

Earlier this year Thewlis was nominated for a “Razzie” — a prize handed out for awfulness in movies — for worst supporting actor in both “The Omen” and “Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction.”