Luke Ford

Fayner Posts: I was thinking the other day about how much of my life has been spent writing for this site, something like 15% or so. That’s a lot.

And then I was walking down the street and TheRealLukeFord drove by in a Rolls Royce with like five naked chicks hanging out and he’s throwing out stacks of $100 bills to the poor folk and laughing all the way…

“Hey, Luke,” I panted after catching up to his $200,000 whip at a stop light, “How can you afford such wonderful things and have such naked women around you at all times?”

“Listen, kid,” Luke said, handing me a $100 bill, “I write books. Lots of them. And its the easiest thing to do, you just search through your web site’s archives and pick some good stuff, then go flirt with the guy at Kinkos and before long you have a book you can show your friends! You should try it!”

And then he was off in a cloud of success and disposable income.

So what the fuck, right? I have like five years worth of writing on this site and there has to be a hilarious book in here somewhere. I just want what TheRealLukeFord has: fame, success and piles of cash.

If you remember any great articles I’ve done here over the years I would love to hear about it ’cause I prolly don’t remember writing it. Maybe I’ll put it in the book. Send suggestions to fayneralmighty@gmail.com

*****WANTED*****
Are you my PORNOJACKASS?
Think you have totally sick ideas?
No big penises necessary.
All benefits included til death due us apart
If you have what it takes to be a total goofball,
Apply yourself 2 satisfy Jazzez Azz
www.myspace.com/jasmine_tame

Fayner Says: I know, I know, I’m an asshole for even giving Wanker Chico Wang any press after what he did to Haley, but c’mon, the guy is dead, right? I can give him all the press in the world and he will never reap the benefits. In that case, I say what the fuck, hook the Fat Asian Nigga up!

I don’t know Jasmine Tame. I’m sure her vagina is warm and her mouth a suction full of life. Apparently, she cared for Chico’s warped sense of pornography. But seriously, can you blame her with all the old man Roy Karch’s of the world bringing boring to the movie set instead of making it fun. Chico made his sets fun, at least for himself. Sometimes that rubbed off on the girls he was shooting. Jasmine is one of those girls.

I think I would like to apply for the job after reading Jasmine’s “All Benefits Included” line. I need a total dirty slut to service me and get nothing joyful in return. I think that’s what I’ve been missing my whole entire life.

102-year-old pensioner Nora Hardwick poses topless and becomes one of the oldest women ever to appear in a nude calendar.

The former-councillor, from Lincolnshire, became Miss November to raise cash for her local football team, Ancaster Athletic.

News of her picture has raced around the world - with stories as far a field in Bosnia, Australia and New Zealand.

And above we can exclusively reveal the snap that’s making all the headlines.

Pub regular Nora - who covered her chest with a strategically-placed scarf - downed a small glass of whiskey before getting her kit off.

She told us: “I’d never done anything like it before - and I doubt I will again.

“I just thought ‘go for it’ and I’m so glad I did!”

Landlord at the Ermine Way pub, Donna Moodie, added: “Nora’s such a good sport.”

DCypher posts: This is Bella from Ass Traffic. As Wyland from Stone Temple Pilots fame would say, her name is what it means.

She gets taken apart by two very lucky guys in the clip. From watching just a small part of the sample video it’s clear that she doesn’t have a lot of sexual hang up’s. I can tell you that. She may have some boundary issues though. She might want to check with a therapist.

If you’ve got a few minutes to spare you should definitely check it out. It is extraordinary.

Enjoy your Monday…unless you’re reading this on Tuesday, you lazy bastard.

DCypher posts: E! Entertainment reported today that Jenna Jameson’s lover UFC Fighter Tito Ortiz, made the cut for Donald Trump’s The Celebrity Apprentice, along with 13 other stars and super stars in training.

Things just keep looking up for these two lovebirds, don’t they? It sure is nice to see Jenna truly happy in a relationship. Watching the way they dote on each other is enough to put even the most bitter cynic into a diabetic coma.

According to the article the list includes Nashville warbler Trace Adkins, actor and reality-show regular Stephen Baldwin, former model Carol Alt, former Taxi star Marilu Henner, former Sopranos star Vincent “Big Pussy” Pastore, former heavyweight boxing champ Lennox Lewis, former Olympic medalist Nadia Comaneci and KISS rocker, reality star and professional self-promoter Gene Simmons. America’s Got Talent judge Piers Morgan, 2005’s Playboy Playmate of the Year Tiffany Fallon and original Apprentice baddie Omarosa also made the cut. Rounding out the players: Olympic softball gold medalist Jennie Finch and Nely Galan, the creator of Galan Entertainment, who has created more than 600 English- and Spanish-language programs.

“This will be the most exciting season of The Apprentice yet—maybe even better than season one,” Trump said in typical understated fashion as he introduced the seventh installment. “Our 14 celebrity contestants are incredible individually, and as a group they will make The Celebrity Apprentice one of the hottest shows on television.”

This time around, the would-be apprenti will compete not for a chance to serve as Trump gofer, but for the chance to win $250,000 for their designated charity. Each challenge will also revolve around fundraising tactics, for which the celebs can use their connections and cachet to earn money for various charitable organizations.

The new season kicks off Jan. 3 on NBC. Good luck to Tito and congrats!

DCypher posts: Sophie Monk is ineffably beautiful. A golden halo of light gently kisses every radiant inch of her silky skin at all times. I know this for a fact because I ran into her one night at my grocery store with her fiancé from that band that doesn’t always suck but whose albums I never buy. She was wearing JUICY sweats and had no makeup on. She still looked fucking hot. It was hard not to stalk her around the aisles and come up with reasons to talk to her.

Turns out she’s got a moral compass too, even though she is posing “nude” to promote it, which may mean it is slightly damaged. I will have to check with the authority on such issues. Now all I need to hear is that she is Buddhist too and close personal friends with the Dalai Lama and I will know she is indeed my soul mate.

Do me a favor? Keep your fingers crossed.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Australian pop singing sensation and actor Sophie Monk is as compassionate as she is beautiful. That’s why she jumped at the opportunity to speak up for animals by shedding her clothes and posing nude in a bed of chili peppers alongside the tagline “Spice Up Your Life—Go Vegetarian” in one of PETA’s sexiest vegetarian PSAs to date.

As a longtime vegetarian, Sophie wants fans to know that giving up meat is one of the best things you can do to “spice up your life.” Eating a diet of vegetarian foods will give you more energy, help you stay trim, and improve blood flow to all of your body’s organs. “If you are going to take your clothes off for something, it better be a good cause,” says Sophie in her interview with PETA. And a good cause it is! Going vegetarian will not only help spice up your own life, it’s the best thing you can do to help the environment and save billions of animals from suffering in factory farms.

DCypher posts: Days go by but a steady stream of delightful content just keeps pouring out of Met Art like a river of sweet girly nectar. Their archives are deep and they keep updating and updating.

I know some of you think I’m biased at this point, despite adding tons of other free content to this site, but Met Art continues to amaze me. From the response that I’ve gotten it continues to amaze many of you as well.

Where on earth do they find all these hot ass young chicks with perfect breasts? Fuck me sideways. Only Met Art knows.

This lovely lady has a name that is virtually impossible to pronounce. In fact, her name looks more like the town Saddam Hussein used to summer in when he was in his early teens than the moniker used to identify a human being.

I renamed her Lucia. I’m sure it won’t slow your stroke.

Enjoy the set.

Click Here For Full Gallery