Luke Ford

DCypher posts: What do Bree Olsen, a guy in a chicken suit, luchadors, serial killers, male strip dancers, fluffers, Evan Stone, twenty-four hour cable news feeds, genies, divisive partisan cat fight grudge fucks, alt-porn, and lesbian pillow fight orgies all have in common?

They are just the tip of the iceberg in David Lord’s new feature sex comedy for Adam and Eve tentatively titled BREE OLSON’S SLUMBER PARTY.

David hired an all-star cast that included Penny Flame, Kayden Kross, Aiden Starr, and Roxy Deville. Since I wrote it I demanded to play the guy in the chicken suit moshing to Mexican speed metal. You’d do the same thing if it were up to you so don’t talk shit.

Bree has like six personalities and devours Starbucks like she sucks dick. She fucking rocks!!! Not only can she deliver dialogue inspired by Noam Chomsky without batting an eye or stopping for breath she literally fucks like a wild animal pumped up on crack rock and adrenaline. Adam and Eve really scored when they added her to the team.

Penny Flame is, well, Penny Flame. She’s a nonstop riot. Her infectious and non sequitur humor keeps everyone going making the hours fly by. I will never get tired of watching her fuck and in a political debate that girl can hold her own.

Aiden is like a slutty little smurf. Evan Stone fucked her literally senseless and no one could figure out how he got his whole dick in her tiny little body. I’d call her precocious but that would be underestimating her.

Kayden is a dirty, Nietzsche loving, vegetarian, objectivist with weird ab muscles who doesn’t like boys with tattoos. Every crew member had about a zillion tattoos they were trying to cover after hearing that heartbreaking news. She’s a little piece of heaven though. God only knows how Vivid let her get away.

Roxy Deville has an amazing ass. She easily outfucked her partner. I almost felt bad for the poor guy.

Overall the movie was a lot of fun to make, even if we had to give up partying on Halloween weekend to do it. There is a fourway girl girl scene with Aiden, Bree, Kayden, and Penny that started out with the best pillow fight porn has ever seen and devolved into a no holes barred lesbian orgy. Delightful!

Check out all the action in the photo gallery I put together. It seriously took me like an entire day to clean, crop, upload, code, and host them so I hope you enjoy them. Suits kill art, baby! Remember that I told you that? Suits kill art.

Bree Olson Slumber Party Pix

DCypher posts: Sandee Westgate is hands down the biggest lesbian I know…which believe it or not is saying a lot. She’s also a regulation hottie, as they say. We’ve been involved in a cat and mouse game of leaving each other funny Myspace messages about dog poop for about a year now. I am patient though, and I will wait her out, and eventually win, and get her to send a new copy of GIRLFRIENDS to me. You wait and see.

Danni Dot Com keeps sending me these phenomenal hosted galleries of girls like Sandee and most of the time they just go to waste, rotting in my inbox, instead of being shared with good porn loving folk like you.

I’ve thought long and hard about it, meditated in silence with Zen monks underneath waterfalls, read The Way of the Peaceful Warrior, played Stairway to Heaven backwards, smoked DMT with Shamans, consulted with Rabbis, and even watched a couple episodes of Bill O’Reilly. I’ve lost sleep to be honest. I want to do the right thing but I’m weak. I know that enabling behavior is not compassionate, I get it, but I still feel deep in my heart that no matter what Fayner has told you FREE PORN IS WONDERFUL!!! Does that make me evil?

Maybe we can just call it sample porn then? Just think of it like that first vial of crack cocaine that gets you hooked and makes you come back for more of the expensive kind as your habit grows. Look on these exquisite pix of my dear friend Sandee Westgate as your gateway drug if it makes you feel better, the precursor to the hard stuff.

DCypher posts: Halloween rules. I love this time of year. In between drunken summer beach parties in Dogtown and Hermosa and frosty winter board sessions in Tahoe and Mammoth, nestled in the calendar’s hefty cleavage, lies the greatest holiday of all.

It’s hard to put your finger on just what makes it so amazing.

Could it be all the hot girls dressed up like sexy pirates and dirty cops and slutty pixies? Could it be pumpkin spiced lattes and festive accoutrement? Could it be scary moobies, haunted houses, ghost stories, and pumpkin carving? Could it be the mind-boggling cultural phenomenon of celebrating a pagan holiday in a radically Christian nation by dressing up in clever disguises and extorting candy from each other? You’ve got to admit, that’s pretty cool…but for now let’s get back to the pumpkin carving.

I’m pretty much the master of creative pumpkin design, no joke, which is why I decided to step back and allow Ava Rose, of Adam and Eve contract fame, to take a swing at it. She’s pretty feisty, and I admit I was a little nervous to let her have the knife and all, but I was in a good mood after visiting with my brother Keith so I figured what the hell. Still, you never know what kind of industrial accidents might occur when you give a porn girl a blade so I donned my tequila drinking hat and allowed the sweet liquid anesthesia to numb the potential pain I might be subjecting myself to then put on a protective cup for extra measure.

Ava doesn’t really cook, as far as I know, unless that’s just a clever ruse for escaping kitchen duties, so I was pretty surprised by how quickly she gutted the pumpkins and started carving them up. She’s good with the steel, like Dexter from Showtime, quick clean cuts, all logic - no emotion.

Don’t turn your back on her…that’s all I’m saying.

Check out Ava Rose’s cool pumpkin pix gallery by clicking the link….suckapunch!

http://dv8cultx.com/pumpkin2007.html

DCypher posts:

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG’S LIST (New York)

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.

I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment, banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

DCypher posts: This is Serena. I have asked her repetitively to keep her clothing on but she never listens. I keep telling her that no one wants to see her running around all barely legal and naked showing off her perfect young breasts and freshly shaved kitty all wet and dripping with girly nectar. I’ve done all I can to let her know that the kind of attention men will give her for flaunting her nubile body, supple breasts, and baby soft skin, isn’t the kind of attention she really needs and that it can lead to all sorts of problems in life.

I warned her that men like Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women. She’s so crazy that she stripped while we were talking and did her best to blow me mid speech.

See if you can find her funny birthmark. It looks like presidential candidate Mitt Romney arm wrestling Senator Barack Obama over Florida State. See for yourself if you don’t believe me.

I think you will find the journey to be far more interesting than the destination.

See More of Serena By Clicking Here

Fayner Posts: So I woke up this morning around seven like I do these days to let out the hound dog before she shits on the bed. But I had trouble getting up, as my whole right side was sore as hell.

I went out into the living room. Bianca Dagger was sitting on the couch drinking tea. She had slept over last night in the guest room.

“How are you?” she asked me.

“Fine, except my right arm kills! It feels like I was fingerbanging some chick all night!”

“That’s so funny!” she replied, “’cause I had a dream where I was just laying there and someone stuck a finger in my pussy.”

“Was it me? I don’t think I came in and fingerbanged you. Did I?”

“I don’t know.”

I then walked to the kitchen, where I saw tons of whipped cream all over the counter.

“Oh, that’s why my arm hurts so much!”

“Why?”

“Because Taylor demanded I make fresh whipped cream for the apple pie last niught, and I had to whisk the fucking thing myself. It took like 15 minutes.”

“That’s too bad,” Bianca said, “’cause I sure could have used a good fingerbanging last night.”

DCypher posts: I’ve often contended that Carli Banks is one of the most beautiful women ever to enter the Adult Entertainment Industry or AEI to you civilian folks.

She has a smile that can melt a glacier, eyes that pierce through to the heart of whomever she stares at, and the most wonderful big big titties you’ve ever seen. She’s definitely fine, even if she steals all the blankets at night, farts in her sleep, and makes cute little whining noises with her nose when she cums, theoretically speaking of course.

In retrospect I feel really bad about (imaginarily) kicking her out of my bed for spilling some cookie crumbs between the sheets. It wasn’t really her fault and I know that now. I could have easily asked her not to eat them in bed, to sit her beautiful naked ass on the cold tile of my kitchen and munch away to her heart’s delight but I felt sorry for her. No use crying over spilled milk now.

At least we will always have this pictures that I (did not) shoot of her from our (totally fabricated) wedding day. Sigh. Just don’t ask me why she was wearing black mere hours before the (make believe) ceremony.

If you see her tell her that the kids (we don’t have) miss her so much and to please come home again…and be sure to check out this set.

FROM HERE: As avocados and flowers continue to shrivel and wilt from the intense heat in San Diego County caused by wildfires, a spokesman for the American Society of Sex Workers and Models (ASSWAM) said today that not only are these fires affecting the state’s agricultural production, but they are also having an effect on the state’s multi-billion dollar porn industry.

“Wildfires have affected our actors and actresses,” said industry spokesman, Peter North. “They don’t want to go outside and do those shoots in the sun anymore.”

A number of measures have been taken to help relieve the actors and actresses and make them more comfortable. They have included: applications of Noxzema skin cream, Atomic Balm and Icy Hot to the actors and actresses bodies before shooting, using Hollywood wind machines to cool them off while filming and doing more inside scenes.

But actors and actresses alike complain that while the cream does have a cooling effect on their bodies, it also has a tendency, when mixed with sweat and other body fluids, to run down into nether regions where active ingredients of camphor and eucalyptus oil, to quote one actor, “burns like hell.”

“This always produces a ‘cold shower effect,’” says film producer Jolly Hymen, “causing an almost instantaneous loss of sexual desire. We’ve ruined hours of footage that way, not to mention the hopes of several young actors as well. With a higher tolerance of pain, and, well, obviously different ‘equipment’ than the men, it’s harder to tell about the women.”

The wind machines, while effective at cooling the actors and actresses off, also affected the women adversely in drying them out. Huge amounts of KY Jelly have to be applied, cutting into film profits. As a result, all scenes of actors “going down” on females had to be cut.

A number of San Diego County hospitals have reported treating porn industry models for second degree burns on their buns and chemical burns inside.

“This situation really has us in a dilemma here,” said California governor, Aaaaanald Schwarzenegger. “Our porn industry is a multi-billion dollar industry out here. We’re already losing millions with our farm loses. To have the pornography industry shut down as well would spell catastrophic losses for our state.”

The governor is looking to the possibility of sending crews to Mexico to film the outdoor shots and converting California’s old school buildings to film studios to pick up for the slack in the extra indoor filming. No further word has been made.

Fayner Posts: Information is sketchy at best, but from what I have been told, LA Direct Models owner Derek Hay could have undergone extensive plastic surgery to hide his identity amidst the recent investigation into his company’s dealings with escort services.

Allegedly, Derek snuck into Mexico over the weekend and underwent a grueling 17-hour operation to drastically alter his once-perfect face. The source says Derek now looks nothing like he used to, and even went as far as to cut off part of his once large penis so that he couldn’t be identified by it. You could catch him eating out of your trash and wouldn’t know it, the source says.

Fayner Posts: I’m talking about Jenna Presley, not Jameson.

You see, as I wrote at the beginning of last week, Jenna Presley made her fiance Travis throw away all of his porn a couple of months ago. And although the two have a wonderful sex life, Travis, like all men, needs in addition to a real vagina a bunch of porn DVDs to further satisfy himself.

But for months he had none.

This made him sad. Overstocked in semen, too.

Bummer.

But all that has changed thanks to TeraVision, who happily contacted me days later asking for a mailing address to send some porn to.

Well, last night Travis and Jenna came over for our weekly big dinner and Travis left with his box of TeraVision porn under his arm and a huge smile on his face.

He may have even had a boner. In which case I have been asked to thank TeraVision from his penis for helping it please itself.