Luke Ford

FRANKFURT, Germany (AP) - Intruders decapitated three flamingos and strangled a fourth in a grisly attack at Frankfurt’s zoo, officials said Tuesday. Police said the birds were killed inside their enclosure by intruders who sneaked into the zoo between Monday night and Tuesday morning.

The zoo said three of the birds killed were more than 30 years old. The fourth was a Chilean flamingo, a species native to the South American country.

The zoo counts several flamingos among its menagerie of animals that includes rhinoceros, hippos lions, giraffes and scores of different birds, insects and reptiles.

Fayner Posts: I got this off the internet.

Pornographer Larry Flynt Fined by FAA

Larry Flynt was not all smiles Sunday night. FAA inspectors removed the famous pornographer from his lear jet as it was about to take off from a small air strip outside Los Angeles, California, citing his repeated failure to comply with FAA Regulations regarding handicap ramps, a spokesman said.

“Mr. Flynt has had ample time to fulfill a certain violation,” the FAA’s spokesman, Robert Lee, announced. “He failed to do so on numerous occasions. We had no choice but to enforce the law.”

The violation?

Failing to maintain a handicap-accessible aircraft.

Sounds strange for a man unable to use his legs for the last 30 years.

But, like expected, the outspoken Flynt had a different take on the events of Sunday evening.

“Listen, I have eight hundred million dollars,” Flynt was heard saying as police escorted him off the tarmac and into a handicap-accessible van. “If I choose to not make my many jets handicap-accessible, then that’s my own damn business. I think the FAA is mad because I hire illegal immigrants to carry me up and down the stairs of the plane. This is America, and this is my right!”

Mr. Flynt was ordered to update his fleet of planes, and is unable to fly the American skies until he completes the repairs.

Fayner Posts: Jenna Presley and Travis came over last night for our new weekly dinner party. Travis looked a little bummed out.

“Why the long face?” I asked.

“Well, you know how we recently moved? Well, before we did, Jenna made me throw away all my porn.”

“No way! You mean, the pristine, alphabetically-ordered Evil Angel-heavy collection you always bragged about? It’s gone?”

“Yeah, I wanted to tell you earlier, but I couldn’t bear to hurt you like that.”

“What are you gonna do? I mean, doesn’t Jenna give you plenty of sex?”

“Of course she does, but you know when you watch hours and hours of UFC fights and all the guy-on-guy hugging and squeezing gets you feeling a little gay around the wasteline so you toss in a good ol’ American porn flick to get you back to the hetero camp?”

“No.”

“Oh, well, ah…”

“Anything I can do to help, Travis? Find you a male lover perhaps?”

“Can you help me build my porno collection back up?”

“I will do my best.”

HEY EVIL ANGEL! JULES JORDAN! EVERY OTEHR COMPANY!TRAVIS WANTS YOUR MOVIES! CARE TO HAND SOME OVER TO A DESPERATE MAN? CONTACT ME AT faynerpornbiz@hotmail.com

Fayner Posts: A friend of mine sells cars in the Valley. He called me up yesterday.

“Hey, you know that porn chick Mia Rose, right?” he asked. “The one who drives a Nissan 350Z?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Well, she was just in here. I sold her a car.”

“What kind?”

“A red Mazda Miata.”

“Really? That’s an awesome car.”

“Yeah. She was so psyched about it, she told me she was thinking of changing her name to Mia Miata.”

“Thanks for the info.”