Luke Ford

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Archive for October 8th, 2007

FROM HERE BITCHES: Residents are wondering if an animal found dead over the weekend may be the mysterious creature that has mauled dogs, frightened residents and been the subject of local legend for half a generation. The animal was found near power lines along Route 4 on Saturday, apparently struck by a car while chasing a cat. The carcass was photographed and inspected by several people who live in the area, but nobody is sure exactly what it is.

Michelle O’Donnell of Turner spotted the animal near her yard about a week before it was killed. She called it a “hybrid mutant of something.”

“It was evil, evil looking. And it had a horrible stench I will never forget,” she told the Sun Journal of Lewiston. “We locked eyes for a few seconds and then it took off. I’ve lived in Maine my whole life and I’ve never seen anything like it.”

For the past 15 years, residents across Androscoggin County have reported seeing and hearing a mysterious animal with chilling monstrous cries and eyes that glow in the night. The animal has been blamed for attacking and killing a Doberman pinscher and a Rottweiler the past couple of years.

People from Litchfield, Sabattus, Greene, Turner, Lewiston and Auburn have come forward to speak of a mystery monster that roams the woods. Nobody knows for sure what it is, and theories have ranged from a hyena or dingo to a fisher or coydog, an offspring of a coyote and a wild dog.

Now, people are asking if the mystery beast and the animal killed over the weekend are one and the same.

Wildlife officials and animal control officers declined to go to Turner to examine the remains. By Tuesday, the carcass had been picked clean by vultures and there was not much left of the dead animal.

Loren Coleman, a Portland author and cryptozoologist, said it’s unlikely that the animal was anybody’s pet.

After reviewing photos of the carcass, Coleman said he was bothered by the animal’s ears and snout. It reminded him of a case years ago in northern Maine in which an animal shot by a hunter could not be identified. In the end, wildlife officials got a DNA analysis that showed the animal was a rare wolf-dog hybrid, he said.

Mike O’Donnell, who is married to Michelle O’Donnell, said the animal looked “half-rodent, half-dog” to him.

It was charcoal gray, weighed between 40 and 50 pounds and had a bushy tail, a short snout, short ears and curled fangs hanging over its lips, he said. It looked like “something out of a Stephen King story.”

“This is something I’ve never seen before. It’s an evil-looking thing,” he said.

Fayner Posts: Taylor called me this morning.

“I got some bad news, dawg,” she said between hits from a pipe.

“Oh, God, when do I have to have my shit out of the house?”

“What? No! This is much, much worse. For you, though, not me. Ha!”

“What is it?!”

“My sister’s boyfriend asked her to marry him last night.”

“What now?”

“Yeah, my sister is getting married!”

I was not pleased. You see, ever since I laid eyes on TR’s little sister, I’ve been like putty in her hands. Something about that full, soft rack of hers made me want them for myself. But to no avail, as she finds me gross. So gross, its rumored, that she was offered a new car if she fucked me and she declined. I guess I must be pretty gross.

I don’t think I can write anything more today, as my tears make it too difficult to concentrate.

Boo hoo.

October 8, 2007

MALE SAC: OCTOBER 8TH, 2007 Author: Scott Fayner

A Fan Writes In: Iam looking for a pornstar who doesn’t mind dating regular guys and sense you happen to be the expert on pornology i thought you could help me out.

Fayner Responds: Expert? Not quite. But I know a bunch of regular guys as well as a bunch of porn chicks, so I’m thinking I just may be able to assist you in your quest.

There is not much to it, really, despite the following:

You should either be a drug dealer who sells to porn chicks, the dude who works for the production company and holds the lube and C-light or a guy who brings in his naive girlfriend into the business. If you aren’t any of these things you will not date a porn chick.

Sorry to tell you this, but it’s true.

And it gets worse:

If she buys drugs from you, she’ll fuck you over.

If you meet her on the set of Whores Who Squirt #76 and she falls in love with you because you make her laugh every time you wipe some dude’s cum from her cheek, she’ll fuck you over.

If you bring her into the business and stand by her during her amazing climb to superstardom, she’ll fuck you over.

Now just imagine what she’ll do to you.

You are currently browsing the Luke Ford weblog archives for the day Monday, October 8th, 2007.

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