Luke Ford

Fayner Posts: So I guess Britney Spears has lost custody of her children. Bummer. ‘Cause even though Brit may be in some people’s eyes an unfit mother, there is no way she could be worse than K-Fed. Sure, he seems like he loves his children, and he doesn’t show the world his genitals every time he gets in or out of a car, but c’mon people, this is Kevin Federline we’re talking about here: The world’s biggest donkey.

An example? Sure. Here are some of the lyrics from his Lose Control song. This should have been used in court against K-Fed they’re so horrible and immature.

Closet full of…kicks
Garage full of…whips
Vegas crap table got the pit boss pissed
They ain’t never seen a kid win like this
So rich that I tattooed the dice on my wrist
And my girl too, it’s no coincidence
That the SRT got all black tints
Never been to Denver, but I rock them nuggets
One earring cost more than your budget
And I ain’t here to brag
I’m just here to pop tags
My Ferrari cost more than your little S-Class
Look man, I’m in a whole ‘nother tax bracket
It don’t matter what you blow
Boy, you can’t match it
40 grand’ll take the whole crew to Miami
Then we pop Crys off like we won Grammys
I take care of my own, that’s my family
Magazine’s talk ’cause they don’t understand me

GIVE BRITNEY BACK HER KIDS! IF NOT, THIS WILL ONE DAY BE AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN KEVIN AND HIS SON.

Kid: Daddy, how do you earn your money?

K-Fed: Well, son, once a week, Daddy walks all the way over to the mail box, way out there across the lawn and pool area, way past the ten car garaqge, and takes out a check. It’s really hard work.

Fayner Posts: Unless someone is playing what can only be described as an horrendous act of cruelty, Haley Paige is dead. It’s a total shame, too, because underneath all her years of pain - and a killer rack, too! - lay a wonderful person; sweet, funny, giving to an extent that one might ask why. I really liked her.

I first met Haley when she was working in the office at LA Direct. She said she was fucking Avy Lee Roth and gave me the scoop about how Avy came up with idea to tell people she was the daughter of David Lee Roth. Come to think of it, I think she still is saying it. Is it really true or not? Whatever.

So Haley and I used to flirt when I’d call or stop by the office. One night I asked her out to some porno party as my date. I think we probably snorted some coke (Actually, I’m sure we did), but throughout the night she was the perfect date and remained coherant and sexy. I fondled her chest many times that night, much to her delight. From there I only saw Haley sporatically, but each time I did we’d hang out for a day or two straight doing drugs or whatever and then she’d once again disappear.

In January of 2006 I did the interview I reposted the other day. I knew that beneath all her jokes and smiles was a very sad person. The mexican guy cleaning the dishes at the restaurant we ate at knew it. So did some guy passing by in his car who was changing radio stations. It was so obvious a blind guy could see it. Yeah, that’s pretty obvious.

But it’s not like I’m in any shape to save anyone, especially when they don’t ever ask you for it. That thing they say about people bottling up all their pain and then one day releasing it all, my guess is that’s what happened with Haley. At least with the heroin. A human can only take so much pain before looking to end it.

I hope Haley isn’t remembered as just some porno chick with sweet tits and a killer blow job mouth who died from drugs. Drugs didn’t kill Haley, no matter what they say. Years of abuse did that way before she ever thought about taking drugs. At least that’s what she told me.

Fayner Posts: When you’re on vacation in Nantucket for two weeks with two beautiful women and two amazing dogs, it’s sometimes hard to catch up on all your television shows. Actually, come to think of it, since I don’t have sex with either of the two beautiful women I went on vacation with, wouldn’t you think I’d have plenty of time for the good ol’ boob-tube? I guess not.

And although Weeds has been somewhat of a disappointment to me this season, I was anxious to see my friend Kirsten Price’s cameo on last week’s episode. Since I just got back late Friday night, I didn’t get a chance until last night to check out the episode.

What I felt is that the writers had three porno performers to utilize and did with them something so retarded and out of character for this business I’m a bit ashamed of being associated with it for the first time in a very long time.

But it has nothing to do with the actual acting of the sleaze actors; I think they all did a wonderful job with what they were handed. But c’mon, how sexy can Kirsten and Jessica be when a black man with a giant penis is farting uncontrollably? Not so much, right.

And when did guys on a porno set start actually shaking hands? There is an unwritten law in the smut racket which maintains that males MUST bump elbows as a form of greeting when on a porno set. But Lexington shook hands with the dude on the show. Also, talk of penis between men should never come up during conversation at any time ever on a Straight porno set. That happened too.

Doesn’t the old stereotype of a porno dude eating food naked seem a bit old, even for mainstream television? I think so. In towels, still soaked from the scene; sure, that always happens. I think I got that one in my film script. But no one in their right mind would stand next to another guy asking what is on the menu while completely undressed, would they? Or am I just that out of touch these days?

The uncontrollable farting just flat out sucked. The writers of Weeds must have been smoking too many props.

All in all, Kirsten and Jessica are fine actors. Lexington, too. But the skit was poorly written and even poorly researched. I guess that’s what happens when you got a big hit on your hands.

Fayner Posts: Spoke to Lisa Marie last night. She said she is going to make Sloppy Joes for all of us tonight. I’ve heard that one before.

“I’ve heard that one before,” I told Lisa Marie.

“No! This time is different! I swear!”

“Listen, slut. The only way it’ll ever happen is if I change my name to Joe and you give me a sloppy blow job!”

“That’ll work!” she screamed. “It’s a lot easier to clean up, too! It just goes right down the throat and into the belly!”

“Shut up!” I screamed. “Here you go getting me all excited to eat Sloppy Joes and then you go off on swallowing cum? I mean, I know it’s my cum and all, and I’m positive I’ll truly enjoy it, but enough with the visuals and all, okay?”

“So, ’round eight o’clock sound okay for you?”

If the video is real, it could become the most sought porn movie on the Internet.Eva Longoria has been panicking the last couple of days because her sex video started circling the Internet. It has been rumoured that the “juicy” video contains explicit sex scenes between Eva and her husband, Tony Parker.

If the video is real it could become the most sought porn film on the Internet after the well-known “One Night in Paris” with Paris Hilton in the lead role.

Currently the video is available for viewing only on some American web sites for a fee.