Courtesy of Brad Yung
First off, let’s set out the criteria : a BAD porn movie title does the opposite of its intention, which is to arouse your interests and convince you to buy the tape. Nope, these titles work against them — they disgust, confuse or just plain turn you off. I’ve divided them up into 5 categories : 1) Gross, 2) Groan, 3) Stupid, 4) What The Hell, and 5) The Porn Store Clerk Laughed At Me. I’ll elaborate later.
There are a number of exclusions. Foreign titles are out because a bad translation is out of the original namer’s control. Ethnic videos were also excluded because they’re all pretty offensive, so “Chicken Chow Mine” and “Sushi Girls #24 – Stir Fry Snatch” are not on the list, as well as pretty much all the black videos. (I have never seen so many uses of the words “ho” and “booty” in my life.) Gay is out because the titles always make me giggle or extremely uncomfortable. Also, any movie titles describing a disgusting sex act were disqualified because that’s a personal bias. So you don’t get “Bust A Nut In Grandma’s Butt” because some people like old women. Really old women. Yikes. “Edward Penishands” was immediately out because that one pops up on EVERYBODY ELSE’S Best Porn Movie Title list because it is actually an awesome title. I saw that movie. That had to be the worst porn shoot ever for that poor guy.
To research this article, I used the online database of over 70,000 movies at http://excaliburfilms.com. They’re all real titles — look them up if you want to. (I’m not linking to each one of these !) I have not seen all of these films. Actually, I have not seen any of these films. And I don’t want to — hence, this list. It is certainly not definitive, I simply could not review every single porn movie title ever. You have to draw a limit somewhere. The list is numbered, but it is not ranked because I can’t be bothered. You may also disagree with my choices because the title actually turns you on. I don’t care. You’re sick.
1) GROSS – these are disgusting titles that should turn you off completely :
1. THE ANAL GIRLS OF TOBACCO ROAD 2 : VAGINA SLIMES – The title that started me on this list. “Virginia Slims” becomes “Vagina Slimes” ? That’s disgusting ! You get the idea.
2. LET’S PLAY STAIN THE COUCH – And then invite all our friends over and watch them try to guess what that smell is !
3. CRACK WHORES OF AMERICA – Because nothing turns a guy on more than needle tracks and missing teeth …
4. PRIME CUTS – YO QUIERO TACO SMELL – I know when I get down there, I want to smell refried beans !
5. AMATEURS ONLY #129 – I’M A BROWN SHIT-HOLED WHORE – Some people like poo, so maybe I shouldn’t have included this one. What can I say, it just has a certain poetry to it.
6. SEX STARVED FUCK SLUTS #22 – STINKY WHITE WOMEN – Why would you want to have sex with somebody who is stinky ? You are a puzzle, sir.
2) GROAN – bad puns, horrible plays on words, stupid Hollywood movie name adaptations :
7. DUDE, WHERE’S MY DILDO ? – Bad movie, probably a bad porno based on a bad movie.
8. ULTRA KINKY #79 – BOWLIN’ IN HER COLON – Bowling balls and colons, such a pretty image.
9. ASS-HOLE O MIO – You’ve got to be kidding.
10. HOMEGROWN VIDEO #489 : FUCK THE CANUCK – Trouble rhyming “bitch” today ?
11. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE VAGINA – Kurt Russell should be so lucky …
12. GOOD ASSTERNOON – I want to see a porno with really amazing dialogue. This won’t be it.
13. BACKDOOR ADVENTURES OF BUTTHEAD AND BEAVER – Too obvious.
14. HINDFELD – A porno about nothing.
15. TEA BAGGER VANCE – Did anybody see the original movie ? Yeah, whatever.
16. MUSIC TO FUCK TO – ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES A LABIA – I would watch this if they actually got Lionel Richie to sing the new lyrics with a close-up shot of him crying.
17. GERANALMO – Sure, why not ?
18. BRASSIERE TO ETERNITY – You’re reaching …
19. TIG OL’ BITTIES – Spoonerisms can be fun. Sometimes not.
20. MOULIN SPLOOGE – You saw this one coming …
21. TITS OF FURY – … but not this one …
22. GERMAN WHORE FARE – Well, I groaned …
23. SHE’S NOT A LESBIAN … SHE’S A VAGITARIAN – Sigh …
24. TOOKIE RAIDER – Tookie ? Tookie ??? You’re just making up words now.
25. MUFFUGNUGEN – That’s just lame, man.
26. PRIME CUTS – ONE FELL INTO THE POO-POO’S NEST – You went to college for this ?
27. FILTHY FUCKERS #184 – POKE ‘ER MON – Who exactly is your target audience ?
28. RIMMERAMA – It does kind of roll off the tongue, though.
29. HOOTERS AND THE BLOWJOBS – Sometimes the music in porn movies is kind of interesting. Not this time.
30. HUNG WANKENSTEIN – Two, count ’em, TWO bad puns in one title ! I want this job !
3) STUPID – poorly chosen titles for various reasons :
31. SEX – This is so wonderfully descriptive, there are TWO movies with this title.
32. THE SPLENDOR OF HELL – Nothing gets me going more than the thought of the sin I am committing at the time and the eventual suffering I am bringing upon myself.
33. COCKLESS 19 – All-girl videos are okay if not kinda dull, but I get a sort of castration vibe from this one …
34. WET AND FROSTY – Are you talking about sex or beer ?
35. WHY THINGS BURN – It’s called a venereal disease …
36. AMATEURS ONLY #131 – HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS GOING TO TAKE – Guys love it when girls ask that question.
37. BABY GIRL – A big disappointment for pedophiles.
38. ANAL CHIROPRACTOR – What, in case your ass is out of alignment ? Yeesh.
39. HUSH ! MY MOTHER MIGHT HEAR US ! – More of a turn-off for women viewers …
40. S.I.D.S. – SEXUALLY INTRUSIVE DYSFUNCTIONAL SOCIETY – Not Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, which always gets me hot.
41. PRICE IS RIGHT – “Hey, let’s name our new porn movie after a game show whose host wants to neuter your family dog !”
42. SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE DWARFS – You’re only calling attention to the fact that you’re ripping us off to the tune of four dwarves.
43. ABS OF CUM – That doesn’t make any sense.
44. DEAD MEN DON’T WEAR RUBBERS – You could get AIDS and DIE !!!
45. SEX IN THE COMICS – This one actually looks pretty interesting. It’s porn stars made up to look like cartoon characters having sex. Normal people probably don’t want to see this, though …
46. TOPLESS BRAIN SURGEONS – No, I want you concentrating on my BRAIN during the operation …
47. YOUR QUIM IS MY GYM – Stupid, nonsensical, you are an object to be scorned.
48. THEORY OF RELATIVITY – That Einstein, what a hottie.
49. FELANALINGUS – “I made up a new word !” “Wow ! Let’s hope it catches on !”
50. K-FCK … THE ONLY THING MISSING IS YOU ! – A five year old retard might think that was funny or clever, but only out of pity.
51. BRIANNA LEE’S RED HOT WEINIE ROAST – Nobody is roasting my weinie. Go away.
52. UNBALANCED CHEMICALS – Psychotics can be sexy too !
53. STRAIGHT A STUDENTS – Why would I want to watch a porn movie where nobody gets to have sex ?
54. LET’S PLAY ANAL TWISTER – That sounds somewhat painful. I’m glad you’re not my friend.
55. TUG BOAT – “Hello ? We make porno movies here. P-O-R-N-O. Do you understand ?”
56. HEROIN – In answer to the question, what is wrong with the lead actress ?
57. HAMLET : FOR THE LOVE OF OPHELIA #1 – Your average porn movie consumer will have no idea what this is a reference to.
58. ACID SEX – It burns ! It burns !
59. ADULT MOVIE (A.K.A. PORN MOVIE) – Whew, thank goodness. I didn’t know what this was. I’m glad that’s all cleared up.
60. RI DICK U LOUS – CHOCOLATE CAN HARDLY HANDLE IT ! – When you named this movie, you were contemplating suicide, weren’t you ? You should.
61. FAT THE BALD AND THE UGLY – Well, at least they’re accessible …
62. SANDWICH OF LOVE – Nobody ever got laid using this phrase. It’s just not possible there’s a woman this stupid out there.
63. PERVERTED ADVENTURES OF SUPER DAVE #1 – It’s a different Dave, not Super Dave Osbourne. But that’s who you’re thinking about right now, aren’t you ? And is it turning you on ? Huh ?
64. AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A FLEA – Yay ! My girlfriend is infested with tiny mites ! I am so happy !
65. FRYSTIX – Who approved this ? Some porn producer who needed a tax shelter, that’s who.
66. ALL ANAL ON THE WESTERN FRONT – Not a good pun, not even a bad pun.
67. HITLER SUCKS – Next time you have sex, when you’re close to cumming, think of the Holocaust. Oh yeah, that’s it.
68. MASK – Not the movie with Cher and that weird-looking kid. But it might as well be.
69. SKID ROW – Which mental image is worse, the worst section of town with all the drug dealers and hookers, or the band ?
70. ANAL FIREBALL – Oh, ouch.
4) WHAT THE HELL … ? – No clue, no idea, no sale :
71. AIRTIGHT GRANNY – What is an airtight granny ? Why is she airtight ? Is that a good thing or a bad thing ? I don’t want to know !
72. SECRETARIA EJECUTIVA #1 – BROAD OF DIRECTORS – Ejecu-what ?
73. SHRIMPIN’ LOBSTER SAUCE – What does going to Sizzler have to do with porn ?
74. A HORSE’S TAIL – It’s not a bestiality video. If it was, it would be a good title. But it’s not.
75. E-THREE THE EXTRA TESTICLE – There is SO much wrong with this one …
76. SIRLOIN TITS – What were you thinking ? I’ll bet there’s an A-1 Sauce joke in there somewhere.
77. BIG AS THIS BOX #1 – What exactly is “big as this box” ? And is it the same rough shape … ?
78. TITALLICA – MASTER OF PUPPIES – Puppies ? Puppies ?!!
79. MEAT LOAF – TV DINNER BOX BIG, HUGE, MEATY COCKS – And I am out of the porn store like a bat out of hell …
80. ONION PLANET – I have no idea what this means. Something to do with onions, perhaps. And a planet.
81. WHITE MEN CAN’T IRON ON BUTT ROW – Can’t … iron ? What about folding shirts ? Can white men do that ?
82. SUPER DRIPPING WET SERIES #3 – CARNAL CASSEROLE – Yum, reminds me of mom’s !
83. KID VEGAS WATCH ME CAMP BITCH ! – This one’s actually about going camping. If I were a woman, yes, you would have to threaten me to get me to watch you camp.
5) THE PORN STORE CLERK LAUGHED AT ME – titles that are so stupidly funny, you can’t stop laughing and enjoy the movie :
84. CLIMAX SHOTS #70 – MY BROWN EYE, NOT THE WINKER, THE STINKER – Rhyming is fun. Hey, what rhymes with “loser” ?
85. BUMPIN DONUTS – Uh, which body part is the donut again ?
86. H.R. MUFF N’ STUFF – Confusing childhood, was it ?
87. AMBER THE LESBIAN QUEEFER – “Queefer” is just a funny word.
88. MAY THE FORESKIN BE WITH YOU – Geek ! *cough cough*
89. RED HOT CHO CHOS – I don’t know what it means, but I heard some other kid on the playground use it …
90. WILLIE WANKER AND THE FUDGE PACKING FACTORY – Your fantasy life is sad.
91. PRETTY LIL’ SISTAS #1 – BEAUTIFUL BLACK POPOZUDAS ! – Nobody talks like this. Nobody. I hope.
92. BEEPING MISS BUFFY – Coyote’s after you …
93. BACKDOOR LAMBADA – A taste for bad porn and horrifically out of date. Why hasn’t some woman snapped you up yet ?
94. WALL TO WALL #24 – HELLO TITTY – “Good evening, sir. Ah, I see you have the erotic tastes of a young Japanese girl !”
95. ACAPULCO #1 – MALIBOOBIES – Hooters ! Headlights ! Ta-ta’s ! Grow the fuck up !
96. BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE ULTRA MILKMAIDS – Oh, let me guess — this is an art film ?
97. AFRO-CENTRIX #36 – PUMPIN’ THE PO-PO – Don’t even try to tell me that’s ebonics …
98. WHAT’S THE LESBIAN DOING IN MY PIRATE MOVIE ? – She’s trying to earn enough to feed her crack habit.
99. LUSTY LIFE #89 – SLIDE YOUR LONG LOAF IN MY HOT OVEN – What … what is wrong with you ?
100. ADVENTURES OF THE FART BITCHES – Ha ha ha ha Fart Bitches.
New Additions :
101) Jerk Your Cum Crayon And Color Me White – You kids play nice, now …
102) Beverly Hills 9021-Ho ! – I can rhyme, too ! 9021-NO ! See ?
103) I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus – which caused the severe childhood trauma which led to a lifetime of doing nothing but watch pornos …
104) 21 Hump Street – let me guess, starring Johnny Deep ?
105) Butt Nuggets – I can’t find any info on this one, but reader Tricia swears it exists. To find out what a “butt nugget” is, go here : http://www.rame.net/library/misc/glossad.html
106) Sperms Of Endearment – Chick flick.
107) Yank My Doodle, It’s A Dandy – I have three problems with this one : “Yank”, “Doodle” and “Dandy”. Otherwise, this title is fine.
108) Hairy Honies #11 – Furburgers – My cousin-in-law was telling the family about how when he was in university, someone discovered that for only $5 you could get a steak with all the trimmings at the local strip club. So if you went to the club, you could see a row of young guys cutting and chewing away, completely ignoring the stripper gyrating on the raised walkway in front of them. To which I had to reply, “Boy, I’d hate to find a hair in my food at that place.”
109) Indiana Joan and the Black Hole of Mammoo – Six thousand years of human civilization and that’s the best you could come up with ?
110) Big, Brown, Bomb Boo-Yow Booty, Brazilian Bitches – My soul hurts.
Please stop recommending :
a) Shaving Ryan’s Privates – It’s a gay film. As I said above, I did not include any gay titles because they always make me giggle or extremely uncomfortable, and it would have doubled the number of titles I would have had to sort through. I am not gonna open the floodgates …
b) Edward Penishands – Everybody recommends this one. As I said above, it pops up on everybody else’s Best Porn Movie Title list because it is actually an awesome title. Stop e-mailing me and saying, “Dude, I can’t believe you missed this one ! I bought a copy and watched it ! It’s the best porn movie title ever !” Well, this is a list of the WORST porn titles. The OPPOSITE. Stuff you WOULDN’T buy or want to watch. It’s a heavy concept, I know.
Have anything you’d like to add to this list…. email faynerpornbiz@hotmail.com