Searching for summer saga
Brangelina birth opens door for other celebs to entertain us
By JIM SLOTEK, TORONTO SUN
Yes, we were happy with the news this week of the birth of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s baby girl Shiloh — presumably the most impossibly beautiful baby ever, if genetics counts for anything anymore.
But we were also kind of sad.
Well, sad and annoyed with our inability to remove Neil Diamond’s voice from our heads growling, "Shiloh, when I was young, I used to call your name…"
But I digress. The truth is, Brad and Angelina are finished as gossip, and the summer is about to unfold with no scandal figures to fascinate us in the coming silly season.
The birth of Bratgelina writes "finis" to the Brangelina saga, the Brad/Jen/Ange menage a trois that, over the past year, has felled a million trees in newsprint, monopolized the bandwidth of a million chat groups, and inspired a million breathless chirpy reports on shows such as Entertainment Weekly and Etalk Daily.
QUIET UNDER SHEETS
Pitt and Jolie have a baby, which means the "forbidden love" that led Brad to forsake his vows now has the smell of a brand new minivan. They’re not gonna have sex for six to eight weeks, and when they do, it’ll be the quiet kind that won’t wake the baby — as opposed to the kind that once had Jolie’s African crew running frantically in the night, trying to locate runaway wildebeest.
As for "wronged woman" Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, they’ve been promoting The Break-Up like a coy kabuki act, never coming closer than 25 feet to each other. So they might as well already be married.
Which leaves us looking for other celebrities to entertain us as the summer heats up. And the pickings are slim. Practically non-existent, in fact (God help us, it was in news yesterday that Ben Affleck was taken to the hospital for a migraine!)
Let’s see. Phil Spector’s murder trial is months away. And Britney will no doubt leave her baby on the roof of a cab that speeds away while she rifles through her purse with one hand and holds a drink in another. But in her house, that’s called Tuesday.
Herewith, a whole bunch of things that could save us from a scandal-free summer:
1. Unable to get attention any longer goading the Catholic Church, a desperate Madonna will drop the crucifixion act, put on a beard and pretend to be the Prophet Mohammed on stage. She gets attention.
2. Paul McCartney will get that notice of divorce proceedings, and it’ll be, "Gentlemen, start your court transcripts." On his website, Paul will write, "You remember when I wrote there was ‘not an ounce of truth’ to the rumours Heather was after my money? Well, I was right. It’s more like ten stone."
3. Charlie Sheen’s divorce trial will involve allegations of live porno, dingos, llamas, lamas, rubber suits, Kraft Miracle Whip and the entire cast of The O.C. Oh wait, it already does. Next…
4. Paris Hilton will release that "reggae/hip-hop album" that’s been announced. The East Coast and West Coast posses and the country of Jamaica all vow retaliation. Warned that "somebody’s gonna pop a cap in your ass," she replies, "That’s hot!"
5. The Dixie Chicks seek asylum in Canada but are informed a Conservative government was recently elected. They get turned away from Mexico for fear of scotching the illegal-worker talks. Tony Blair shuts them out on direct orders from Dubya. Finally, they’re put on a boat and travel from country to country, with hilarious results on the new Fox reality-TV series Look Away, Dixieland! 8 p.m. Wednesdays, 9 p.m. Central.
6. During a party-hearty weekend, the Olsen Twins marry B.J. and Tyler, the two hippie guys from The Amazing Race. A case of chronic "munchies" sees the girls gain a much-needed 50 lbs. over the summer.
7. Paula Abdul is arrested for stalking Elliott Yamin after increasingly disturbing voicemail messages are played on ABC’s 20/20. Randy describes the recordings as "a little pitchy, dog, I’m just keepin’ it real."
8. While in town this week for her star on Canada’s Walk Of Fame, Pamela Anderson falls for Loverboy’s Mike Reno and they’re married in swim attire on Kew Beach. The stolen video of the honeymoon turns up at Blockbuster on Canada Day weekend. And remember, no late charges!
9. Tom Cruise, Katie and Suri … well, really, I can’t think of anything Cruise could do to get our attention anymore. He could "come out," I suppose. But, nah.
10. Phil Spector shoots another waitress and says, "Put it on my tab."