IT’S HARD TO SMILE WHEN YOUR FATHER’S A SCUM, YOUR BOYFRIEND’S DUMB AND YOUR FEET SMELL LIKE FRITOS
FAYNER First off, let me say what an honor it is being able to be part of your first interview. We’ll start with the basics, okay? Tell us where you’re from and how old you are.
RHIANNON I believe I was promised a steak first, right?
FAYNER Sorry, here you go.
3 minutes 22 seconds and 18 ounces of T Bone later…
RHIANNON Okay, where were we? Oh, yeah, I remember. I was born on December 2, 1997 in Sapula, Oklahoma, made my way via a crate to Boston, Massachusetts on February 12, 1998 and was bought by you 13 days later.
FAYNER What were your impressions of me that day?
RHIANNON I recall you smelling bad and being too skinny. Oh, wait, that was yesterday. Seriously, a dog’s most important duty is becoming the best friend of a man, and it was choice that I got some friendless scum who just got out of rehab for a serious cocaine problem as a new owner. I felt wanted, actually needed, scratch that, I’d say more like depended on by you from day one.
FAYNER That’s sweet. Care to recap your first years for us?
RHIANNON Gladly. Well, soon after you bought me I was let out while you were working and got picked up by someone heading on a train at South Station, but was tossed out onto the platform three stops away when it was discovered the people had a dog on the train. From there I was again picked up and brought to a new house. I remember it taking you days to come and rescue me.
FAYNER That wasn’t my fault. Your name tag came off your collar. I put up dozens of flyers all around ChinaTown. I went into every Chinese restaurant and asked if they had you as a special dish. I did everything in my power. Thankfully, the people that kidnapped you happened to call the Vet’s number on your rabies tag.
RHIANNON That’s true, and when you finally called the people they said they were keeping me ’cause you sucked as a dog owner by letting me roam from home. How did you end up getting me back?
FAYNER The Concierge where I was living at the time happened to also be a Boston Police officer who was also my partner in an illegal pill operation selling xanax and valium to drugged-out kids all over Beantown. For a little money, I was escorted to the people’s house by three Boston cops. Not a word was spoken when they answered the door; I just walked in and picked you up and left.
RHIANNON That was awesome, but not as awesome as a week later when we packed up and moved to Nantucket Island. We were there for two years. I enjoyed chasing rabbits at a cemetary, running legally on the beach and never being belittled by having to wear a leash. And then it all ended.
FAYNER How so?
RHIANNON We moved to Los Angeles so you could follow your dream of becoming a writer for The Simpsons. By the way, how’s that going?
FAYNER Fuck off, I got a little sidetracked.
RHIANNON Yeah, I know. The porno thing. You have no idea what it’s like being moved from Dog Heaven to Dog Hell so you could end up working in the sleaziest, most unrespected business in the world next to politics?
FAYNER Speaking of porno, share with us your opinions on the business based on what you’ve seen and the people you’ve met.
RHIANNON As a dog, I find it hard comprehending how someone like you finds joy in getting all cracked up and watching your friends fuck on the television screen while playing with yourself, but that’s just me. It’s actually sickening. If I didn’t sign the contract promising eternal love to my owner I’d have left long ago. Well, that and eating all the countless rocks of cocaine that drop from your nose on a daily basis. But I’ve met all the biggest names in porn, been to all the great parties and have my picture up on LukeFord regularly. It’s no Nantucket but I can deal.
FAYNER Who’s some of your favorite porno chicks?
RHIANNON I’ve always loved Ashley Blue. We go way back. But ever since she got a cat (Yuck!) we’ve spent less time together. Charlie Laine is super great too. So is Alaura Eden, ’cause she let me play with her bunny rabbit once. That was cool. And I can’t forget Taylor Rain. I remember thinking she hated me when she brought that damn Bandit puppy home a few years ago, what with all his biting and attacking and being an overall pain in the rump, but now he’s my main squeeze and I love him to death. This new Smokie I can do without, but I’ve learned to not blame Taylor for the dumb things she does.
FAYNER And some of your least favorite?
RHIANNON Only two stand out. The first is that girl Honey. Remember her? You had the nerve to totally ignore my feelings and take a bath with her one early morning right in front of me. And then she left what seemed to be 500 hooker eye lashes all around the bed and apartment. I thought they were spiders. I don’t like spiders. The second was that chick Taylor went to middle school who slept with us that night in Taylor’s bed with dirty-ass feet. Black, actually. I was appalled, and I don’t wear shoes.
FAYNER Anything you want to plug before we wrap it up?
RHIANNON Sure. First, I got an album of cover songs about to drop any day now. I do songs by Zeppelin, Van Halen, Skid Row, Fleetwood Mac and AC/DC; pretty much all the crap you’ve forced me to listen to over the years. I’m also going on a speaking tour to warn teens about the dangers of drugs. Seems my years of watching you ruin your life merits me an expert. I also have my official website up and running now. The address is www.dontconfusemewithrhiannonbray.com The name comes from the time Rhiannon Bray got pissed at you for writing that I’m better looking than her and has tons of exclusive pictures, videos and my daily journal about being the dog of the porno industry’s most celebrated reporter.
FAYNER Well, thanks for talking to us. We really appreciate it.
RHIANNON Arf!